Post # 1
But my FH does want a wedding, so we’re compromising on having a small one. Small to me is only immediate family a couple of close friends. People who have been there supporting us and have spoken to us within the past year.
It’s really easy for me to only have immediate family since all my aunts, uncles, and cousins live in Mexico. Easy peasy. For him, not so much. FMIL just gave us a list and there’s people that I’ve never met (and he hasn’t seen) in the 5.5 years we’ve been together. Is it bad for wanting to not invite those cousins, aunts, and uncles that don’t talk to him (but they probably talk to his mother)?
I understand some of them are out of state and can’t visit as often. On the other hand, we’re paying for the wedding and we haven’t ever personally recieved so much as a call/Facebook message/engagement congrats from some of them. I want to keep this small and close, especially when we’re trying to stay within a budget.
What do I do? What can I do without hurting peoples feelings?
Post # 2
When you are paying -you get to make the list. If you both agree, I’d have him speak with his mother. Also, maybe you could send an announcement to the ones you couldn’t afford to invite, with a lovely photo for your wedding day. They should understand.
Post # 3
SenoraGH: I agree…you pay, you decide. You two should sit down and create a list of the close family and friends that mean a lot to you and have been there for you and those make the list. Have your FI tell his mother “Sorry, we are having a small, intimate affair with those who matter most. SenoraGH and I will handle the guest list and preparations.” It doesn’t have to be rude at all, just straight forward and honest. Always remember…the wedding is only about the two of you. Disregard what others want you to do and do what makes the both of you happy and comfortable.
Post # 4
Did you ask his mother to provide a guest list?
You and him both need to let her know you have the guest list covered- your wedding, you know who to invite. Then stop talking about your wedding with your ILs until it’s time to check their schedule before setting a date.
Post # 5
That puts my mind at ease. Even though we’re paying, we still want to make our family comfortable. I can imagine being cutthroat, but it’s so hard to actually do it.
CurlyCue: we did ask, but more to see if had anyone missing. In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have.
Post # 6
Feeling will get hurt no matter what you do. If you’re happy with your decision then that’s all that matters.
We had a 20 person wedding, just closest family. Parents, siblings and grandparents. We heard of a few people who disliked the idea of not getting invited and FIL had to be convinced, but in the end it’s what we wanted and almost 2 year later I don’t regret anything.
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
I also had an intimate 20 person wedding. It was so perfect and you could just feel the love from everyone. I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s your wedding, follow your heart on this one. If you haven’t seen/met these people in the past 5.5 years, then who cares if they get mad for not receiving an invite to your SMALL wedding. Maybe that will be their invitation to become a part of your life again, if they feel so left out.
Post # 8
SenoraGH: You don’t have to be cutthroat at all, just make sure they understand what the two of you want for your wedding. It could even be simple and informative like “We’ve decided we want to keep the wedding very small so it’s only those who matter most to us.” and then move on. Saying what you are going to do will leave little room for argument without making you sound harsh.
Post # 9
SenoraGH: I’ve been a lurker on these boards for months now, but this post made me sign up as I’m going through almost exactly the same situation!
I have pretty bad anxiety issues and social anxiety plays a big part in that; I never really wanted a wedding, but FH does, so we agreed a small, intimate wedding as well (immediate family and close friends only)
Well we find out the other day that his mum has gone and told his relatives in South Africa the date of our wedding, and they are planning on all coming over to Australia for it, because isn’t this just a great excuse for a family reunion?!! Mind you, these are relatives that my FH hasn’t spoken to in YEARS, and he doesn’t even really like most of them.
So yeah. FH and I were not impressed and are now having to deal with the fallout of his relatives’ and mum’s disapointment. We are paying for this mostly ourselves (my mum is contributing a bit) but honestly, the money is not the issue. Our wedding is not a chance for a family reunion, and I don’t want to be meeting people for the first time on what is already going to be a stressful enough day! FMIL is upset but is trying to be understanding about it.
Plus we have a bunch of issues with my side of the family (all extremely judgemental abot every aspect of my life, AND one of my sisters hasn’t spoken to my mum in 2+ years, and refused to come to my coming home party after I was living abroad becuase she didn’t want to ‘play happy families’ when she’s not even seen me in 2 years and hates our mum… But that’s a whole new kettle of fish. I just dream about eloping to be honest!!
So in your situation, NO, you should not feel bad about not wanting them there! Just explain that you are having a very small wedding with immediate family only, and then maybe offer to have an informal party or barbeque a few weeks or months later for everyone to attend. People might be upset but if there is one thing I have learnt already with wedding planning is that you are never going to make everybody happy!
So OP, you are not alone, and if you ever need to vent or chat feel free to PM me! 🙂
Post # 10
angela85: Oh god, it’s so good to hear that you don’t regret it!
FutureDrAtkins: That’s exactly the atmosphere I want to have. How did you decide who to cut off the list?
KatiePi: That sounds straight to the point. I will use it. Thanks!
msbooksandtea: Welcome! Your situation sounds way worse than mine! I understand completely about not wanting to meet new people on your day. It’s just hard because family also wants an excuse to see people that are close to them that they haven’t seen in a while. I’m glad I’m not alone 🙂
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
SenoraGH: Here was my cut off when FI and I were making the list…is this someone you would take out for dinner to a fancy restaurant and foot the bill for no reason? Yes? They come. No? I’m sorry but you’re just not that close with us…
Our guestlist is a whopping 26 people, immediate family and a few close friends.
But, those who pay have a say…the only reason we can do this is because we are footing the bill ourselves.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
SenoraGH: We had immediate family: moms, dads, grandparents, siblings + SOs, and we each picked a few of our closest/longest friends and their SOs.
Post # 13
We decided that if we did regret it after the wedding that we would just have a big party on our first anniversary. No vow renewal, gifts or anything like that, just a bbq type get together.
That was our “failsafe”.
Post # 14
I’m sorry but if these people dont even talk to your FI, I dont see why they need to be invited. I get if you were having a large wedding, but you’re not.
You dont have to be mean or cutthroat about it, your FI just needs to explain to his mother that your wedding is only going to be close family and friends (if you’re inviting friends).
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery
Oh my dear SenoraGH, I think we are the same person! lol I feel the same way. I am SO glad that I read your thread. I keep asking my FI every day if he is sure he wants a wedding. We are keeping it small by not inviting many people. Your decision will hurt people in the family. (I’m finding out that the concept of having to stay on a budget and wanting an intimate wedding is so foreign to some people!) It has hurt people in mine. So much so, that I have already had an uncle say he isn’t going because we did not invite another family member. We are also paying for our wedding on our own, much like you. I never understood why people get so obsessed with who gets invited to weddings. My advice to you (which I should be listening to also!) is do what you feel is right and do not bend your conviction to make room for someone else! Good luck and hang in there.