Post # 1
my fiance is hell-bent on having a wedding. I have been married before, my first husband wanted a wedding when I didn’t and I caved in and let him have it. I ended up having to plan everything, went crazy planning everything…and the little he did, he screwed up (majorly). I didn’t want one to begin with because I don’t really have any family to invite. Now, I don’t have any friends to invite, as well as having fewer family members to invite. I have 4 people at my wedding on my side, that includes my daughter. It is embarrassing, along with the fact that I’m a very private person and I just don’t want a wedding. I can’t get my fiance to understand that. He just says “I’m sorry”. I hate this. I just want to be married to him…then go on a honeymoon. I just want a private affair. He wants a huge thing, spending a bunch of money. It just makes me nauseated thinking that I’m going to have to worry about and do all the work for something that I seriously do not want.
Post # 3
You need to get on the same page. This is jus the beginning of compromises and serious discussions you will need to have.
Post # 4
There has to be a compromise in there somewhere. You really can’t deny him the wedding of his dreams, but he really can’t deny yours either. The two of you really need to sit down and discuss what your options in the middle are. Maybe even an event planner would help the two of you find that middle ground that will work for the two of you. Sorry, I know this all sucks but you will find something that will work for you both.
Welcome to the Hive and Good Luck!
Post # 5
Tell him, flat out, that if HE wants the wedding…HE needs to be an active and HELPFUL part of planning it. My first husband wanted the big wedding and I didn’t. I finally agreed and he actually was a HUGE part of the planning process (sometimes too involved for me, haha) and looking back I don’t regret planning the wedding HE wanted. Your Fiance is not the same as your ex, if you explain to him your fears and frustrations you should be able to work it out together.
As far as not having anyone on your side, don’t do a big 2 sided church ceremony. Try to agree on something smaller, maybe less formal, where it won’t be so obvious. Good luck and happy thoughts!
Post # 6
You don’t want a wedding as much as he does want a wedding. Who is right in this situation? The answer: both of you.
You two need to figure out a compromise.
Just because you had a bad time planning your first one doesn’t mean that this time will be the same. What didn’t you like about your first time planning?
And, if all you have are four people to invite, then you just invite those four people! There’s nothing to be embarrased about!!
My advice is to keep talking to your Fiance about the issues and they ‘whys’ behind why he does want a wedding and why you don’t want a wedding. Through LISTENING to each other, understanding where the other person is coming from, and communicating with each other, I truly hope you can find a middle ground.
Post # 7
Compromise. My fi doesn’t want a wedding and I do. We have finally compromised about it and I took our guest list from 100 people down to about 40. We are not having a big afair for the wedding but we are having a big casual BBQ which we are inviting everyone who isn’t invited to the wedding.
Good luck. Try to compromise with him and hopefully you both can get what you want out of it, which is to be married of course! And to wear a big beautiful dress of course!(That was my biggest concern 🙂
Post # 8
I don’t think you should think of this wedding similar to your first wedding. I’m sure your Fiance now is different from your ex. But yes, compromise would be a great idea. If he really wants a wedding, then you should definitely tell him that he has to actively help.
Post # 9
I like the compromise idea. Small wedding! Say, 40 or 50 people. Just immediate family and some mutual friends or something.
Post # 10
My second wedding wasn’t too much of a big deal in terms of planning. A simple garden wedding and we had a casual pig roast afterwards. Could FH and you deal with something like that?
Post # 11
I agree with PP on the small wedding. I’m doing that, mostly because the logistics of planning a wedding with a career and friends all over the place is stressful, and I promised myself I would not stress out like I did during my first wedding. I hired a planner who is going to assist me before and during the wedding ceremony itself. So far it has been awesome. Is that something you’re willling to do?
Post # 12
I agree with others that stated if a wedding is what he wants he should be involved with the planning–and maybe have a compromise–a smaller ceremony with immediate family followed by a large reception that is informal
My fiance wanted a ‘real wedding’ too, he’s very traditional but I’m not–now we’re doing a destination wedding in maui with only immediate family and are very happy with the compromise!
Post # 13
Try destination wedding. Have a very simple (but nice) wedding in the place you two want to have your honeymoon. You can have your 4 guests and he can have small amount of guests on his side as well. I’m sure he won’t bring 100 of his family and friends to his wedding outside the country? 🙂
Post # 14
I feel exactly the same way- I’m not excited about dress shopping, about seeing family, about wasting so much money on a ritualistic holiday to show off to friends and family. Family, by the way, that we see every couple years- it feels like such a waste of time and energy for people that we don’t really care about but are connected by accidental blood lines. Sure- the function may be to bring people together- to reaffirm kinship but at what cost? Should we call this a family reunion more than a wedding- the joining of two families who will see each other only at funerals and weddings- should a struggling new couple/unit be socially expected to pay for others’ social hour.
In terms of affecting the micro-interactions. Our daily conversation now seems to focus on the wedding. The mundane- the place, the type of food, the drink, music or no music, prices and styles of photography- I wonder if we will find anything else to talk about- what about a good book, a place to visit, something meaningful about our future marriage than a party- an 8 hour event that costs approximately 15000+. Maybe these types of conversations should happen before someone ever agrees to say, “I do.” I can only imagine that very too often these conversations are pushed into the background which are really the more important ones.
A celebration of love- I suppose in writing this little diatribe that someone will correct me- expose me to another viewpoint- so that I can understand why he wants this so badly.
Post # 15
Compromise… is it the party he wants? The big fancy dinner? Tons of friends or family? Maybe have a small formal wedding, and then a big fun party when you get back from your honeymoon?
Post # 16
Tell him if he wants it then he plans it. Problem solved.