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My intention isn't to offend anyone with this post, but I just had to poke my neck out there and see if anyone else is in the same boat.
Sometimes I feel like my fiance and I are totally alone on Childfree Island, but he and I both sincerely, honestly, for sure, don't want to have children. I'm 30 and he's 32, so it's not like we're still young and kicking the idea around. Part of what makes us work as a couple is the knowledge that we both see our future playing out in the same way: kid-free.
We both have our own convictions, but the bottom line is that we just have zero interest what so ever in being parents - not even an inkling. The commitments, the financial aspects, the traveling and freedom we both desire, the partnership we both hope to share as a couple and not as parents... these are just a few.
It's not like we hate kids or anything... we just don't LOVE them. I have a store that caters mostly to adults but we do a HUGE kid business, and I'm also right next to an ice cream store that is full of kids at all hours. Our friends have kids and FI's sister has two lovely daughters who will become my nieces... and this is enough for us.
Is anyone out there in the same boat? I'm not even talking about the "havent decided yet" camp. I'm curious if there's any staunch "NO THANKS" brides out there too. Am I the only one!? Sigh.
Thanks in advance :)
We are not going to have kids. I have never wanted to have kids, and FI perfers not to also. People have always told me that I am going to grow out of it, and that I will want them in the future. I am now 31 and still do not want them.
We were both 35 when we married and in the definite: No Thanks, camp.
We both adore children but are not willing to make the life sacrifices that parents have to make!
I love being an aunt to my nephews/nieces and my friend's kids. I think it's the BEST job in the world! You get to spoil them, teach them, and send them home and get a good night's rest! ;)
After we were married, we talked a lot about 'are you SURE you don't want kids'. I was concerned that my desire to NOT want kids influenced him and he'd resent it one day. But, nope - we were both on the same page!
We are the same way, and we are 27 and 28. Everyone keeps telling us it'll change, but it hasn't in the 7 years we've been together, and I don't see it ever changing. Our life plan does not include kids, and we are both on the same page. I made sure before we got married, cuz i told him I was confident in my decision and he had to support me 100% before I would go through with marrying him. His dad is a little sad, cuz we are the last hope for carrying on the name, but he said its our life and we can do what we want. I have never wanted kids so I know my feelings won't change, even when I am going to get the supposed 30 year itch
Good for you for knowing and agreeing on this. I always think of that one day when your older (50's-60's) and that itch comes, and it's too late. But that is just me. I know there are others that are in the same boat and I respect you.
@MrsSl82be: everyone keeps telling me it will change, too - but, I'm not so sure. I will say that post marriage I'm more open to it due to the stability of the relationship, but I wouldn't be proactive about it! Sometimes when I'm around my friend's kids, I DO get that itch (it's more like a tingle) but it never lasts very long! and it's always because I just want to SEE what my kid would look like/turn out to be. It has nothing with the desire to raise and/or care for a child!
@Lindsay05: I used to work with a lady who didn't want kids until she hit menopause and wasn't able to have one of her own. It could be a case of just wanting something you can't have vs. really wanting kids... but, only that person can say for sure.
You aren't alone I'm sure! We are still deciding if we want to or not. I think it's something you shouldn't do unless you are certain! There's no going back.
I actually do want kids. However, I am almost 42 so that might not happen. Eventually you realize that if you don't have kids, it's not the end of the world. There is an alternative lifestyle. Just make sure you have enough money to take care of yourself when you're old
We don't want kids, and I feel like I am the only one out there that doesn't, too. We don't have the time, like having money and just really have no interest in being parents to anything other than our furbaby. I don't hate kids, but I'm the person offering the fake smile and forced "Oh, yeah, they're cute" when shown a baby/kid picture.
I wish I could just make up my mind on this. On the one hand, I feel like you do - I love my life right now with FI, and feel like the added responsibility and sacrifices for having kids maybe isn't something I want. Then, on the other hand, I feel excited by the idea of a us as parents, seeing how FI would be as a dad (I'm pretty confident he'd rock), creating a new person who is half me and half him, and getting to see the world all over again through that person's eyes. I'm just not sure if that is reason enough to change our lives forever, you know what I mean? Not to mention the enormity of creaing another human life - that's huge. Big decision to make. Anyway, sorry to ramble, I just wanted to say kudos to you for knowing what you want!
You are not alone. I'm still unsure, but I've never really wanted kids. The older I get, the more I just don't think I'd be able to do it. I dunno though...I'm trying to stay open to the idea. So 99% no, 1% maybe.
@Bubu82: I'm totally with you. I've never been one of those women who "knew" they wanted kids. It was never a goal of mine to be a mother. Without that biological instinct driving you there's much more analytical decision making going on, and a lot of what I think about is what you brought up. Having a kid means changing your whole life around for another person who (let's face it) probably won't acknowledge or understand those sacrafices until muuuuuuch later in life. (Believe me I didn't!). It means funneling your income to another chute, losing the freedom to vacation or travel (or even run to the grocery store!) on a whim.
But NOT having a kid--you're missing out on one of the fundamental experiences of life. Raising a child and bringing up the next generation. Wouldn't I miss having a kid that was half mine and have my SOs if I didn't?
And honestly as I get older I think maybe I DO want kids. I thought the "biological clock" thing was a bunch of hooey, but apparently it's not!
All this to say, (sorry OP) even though I haven't DEFINTELY decided not to have kids, I can certainly empathize with that position!
I would have never chosen to have kids. I was very much in the "I'm all set being an aunt" camp.
BUT now that I have her I would not go back (obviously).
Kudos to you for knowing what you want. Best of luck.
@SoontobeMrsA: I totally understand this - IF we did get pregnant, while I think there would be a period of "what the heck/doom & gloom", I could also see how it's the most wonderful thing!! And, if it DID accidentally happen (with prevention methods failing), we'd embrace it, for sure.
@Georgia Bee: I've had a few people tell me (including my mom) "but who will take care of you when you are old?" and, while I understand that notion, having an older mom who is really dependent on me for care, I think it's really irresponsible for parents to expect their children to care for them when they are older (granted, I have a jaded view of this right now). I have a couple friend's with a parents in their 80's who did nothing to prepare for their old age. Even if I had kids, I'd make sure that I had an infrastructure set up so I wouldn't be a burden on them - I don't think it's their responsibility to take care of me when I'm old.
@oracle: That was pretty much my reaction. First it was oh crap! Then it became oh my gosh we're going to be parents!
I finally found someone that has the same thought with us. I'm 30 and FI is 32. Both I and my FI do NOT want kid. We don't want the sacrifice and we do enjoy just two of us. We talked about it a long time ago. Almost 8 years after we met, we still haven't changed our mind. We have a very stable and happy relationship but we just don't want to bring a little one to the world. Honestly, family members have pressured us and the society doesn't seem to have open mind about a group of people like us either. I always get so pissed off when people criticize me regarding my decision. Actually maybe I'm a little afraid of even mentioning my thought to other people. It should be my decision if I want a dozen kids or none (in my case is none).
Thanks for all of the feedback!! I knew there were others out there like me ;)
I definitely understand that raising a child is one of the most enjoyable, meaniningful experiences that one can have for MOST people - but this is 110% personal. We're not all destined to be parents, and the thought of having my own child just to see if I'd like it (or insure I wouldn't regret not having one) terrifies me. I realize no one said this, but that's how I'd view considering becoming a mother at this point. I know it's 'different when it's yours!' but I just dont even want to find out.
I have no doubt that bringing a kid into the world is an awesome experience... but I'm better suited for the independence that remaining child-free provides. I realize that I can still own my store, and travel the world, and do whatever I want with a child... but it's SO much harder. My life as I know it would never be the same, nor would my relationship with my fiance. I agree that life can change for the BETTER for some parents, but I also watch a lot of parents totally struggle through managing their child(ren) on a daily basis. Many times they seem exhausted, at odds with each other, frustrated, flustered, just busy in general. And not extraordinarily... happy? At least thats my perception.
Not to mention my fiance travels for work so I'd be a single mom Monday-Friday on top of running my store. I don't know how single moms do it, but you ladies are phenomenal. I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for what you do!
Also: I really wish random people (in my life, not here on WB) would stop insisting I'll change my mind. That gets annoying FAST.
ETA: FI and I also joke around about 'who will take care of us when we're old!?' but we're planning on parking it somewhere sunny and warm and let things play out as they will. We'll take care of each other and when we can't do that any longer, we'll have the means ($) available to get some help. I dont want to be a burden on anyone... unless I'm paying them to take care of me. haha
I can't have kids - nor have I ever wanted one! Same boat as you, not that i hate them, just that i definitly don't love them!
You are definitely not alone in your school of thought. My aunt and her husband have a fantastic life and never had children in their plan and two of my three best friends are in committed relationships with no intentions of ever factor in children.
I love already being an aunt and adore my two nephews - but that's the only role i'd like to have. However, I do fully intend to have a few corgis in my household and they will be loved like the children i'll never have! lol
I am just adding to the conversation, this isn't directed at anyone in particular- I agree with oracle. The thing is, even if you(/we/anyone) have children- you cannot expect they will care for you when you are old. They might hate you (god forbid! but they might!) or ideally they will have their own life and responsibilites- and that is what we should want for our children- to have their own wonderful life. I think it would be wonderful to have a great family that lives in the same state (at least), but you never know. I just think it is selfish to have children to take care of you/ with that expectation. And even if you do have kids that are able/ willing to help- you have to have enough money to care for yourself anyway, right?
@oracle: I totall agree with this, if I found out that my parents had me just to take care of them when they get old, then I would be so pissed!! That is not the reason to have kids. But, I am working a lot now, making really good money, so taht I can help my parents in retirement, cuz the economy really really screwed them, and they won't be able to retire now. So, I have vowed to myself (without them knowing) that I will make enough money to be able to take care of me and the hubs, plus our parents if need be. This was a choice made on my own, because my parents busted their asses to send me to good schools, and did without so much in order for us kids to be able to have a good life.
@KristenGotMarried: I have DINK friends and they are awesome. I have parent friends too. I did lose a couple of DINK friends though because they were the high and mighty DINK couples that just love to talk about their choice ALL.THE.TIME.
There is no rule book saying that you have to have kids to have a happy marriage and a happy life. If you are solid in your choice then own it. You don't have to defend it to anyone. Sadly, you will have to because there are annoying people who are like "OMG WHY WOULDN'T YOU WANT CHILDREN!?!?!?!"
I've thrown my friend a No Baby Shower when they had a pregnancy scare and on nights that we have a sitter we hang out with all of our friends.
One thing I will say is make sure you are with someone who really wants to be a DINK couple. I had a friend who wanted to be child free and her boyfriend turned husband now ex husband said he was all for it too until they were married and he kept trying to get her pregnant. He then confessed that he thought he could change her mind and she would grow out of this child free phase. It was ugly.
We don't want kids either. We talked about it before we got engaged.
I've never wanted kids or seen myself being a mom someday. I love kids. I've worked with kids for years and I adore my nieces and nephew. But, it's just never been something I wanted.
I think part of it is that my sister had her first at 18, then two more down the line. At 23 she had 3 kids and a full time job. I've seen her life and though I know my circumstances are different, I really don't want that for myself. They're pretty poor, their house is dirty, their kids are a huge source of stress, she works non-stop, she never went to college, she's hardly been anywhere, and is happy to grab an hour to read a mindless book at the end of the day.
Maybe it's selfish, but I think there are as many selfish reasons to HAVE kids as there are to NOT have them (maybe more). If we ever did add to our family I would want to foster or adopt an older child.
All that being said, I haven't had my tubes tied and if by some accident I got pregnant, I would not get an abortion. Maybe down the road if we are 100% certain, he or I will physically make it impossible. We'll see.
i always feel like im the only one who doesnt want them either! the first time my hubby to be and i talkeda bout it i said i wanted one bc i thought thats what he wanted and about one day later i freaked out bc i knew it wasnt true. i was so scared to tell him that i really didnt think that i did bc i was afraid he wouldnt want to stay with me but i didnt want to get married adn then have this conversation. he is more on the fence than me but leading to no, we both enjoy being able to do what we want when we want and how we want to. plus, he is horrible with money and i cant imagine trying to budget for an additional person, us alone can be difficult. i used to say that maybe id want them when i was older but it was bc thats what everyone told me, now that im about to be married i feel like when i tell someone i need to immediately say and " we dont plan on having kids and no we wont change our minds when we are older"bc thats always the next question and it drives me nuts. oy, im prob rambling but reading things like this always makes me feel better bc even though i am so sure of my decision i feel guilty about it sometimes and i dont like that. thanks for sharing!
my FI and I are exactly on the fence 50/50. it will take one person to nudge the other one over the edge, I'm sure. but we can't make up our minds! right now I'm leaning towards not having kids.
I used to be really stressed out because I'm 35 and I feel like we only have a few years to decide (I refuse to bear a child after 37, that is my own personal decision). but then I realized something: if we get into our 40's and then we decide we want them, there is always adoption!
I'm totally ok with that, and freeing myself from having to make the decision any time soon has lifted a HUGE burden off of me.
by the way, this article just came out, and it really makes a person think!
http://healthland.time.com/2011/03/04/why-having-kids-is-foolish/
Haha, I forgot about this til now. I have wanted a 4 door car for a while now, cuz the 2 door is just too small, and its a pain in the ass not being able to fit anyone in my backseat without them cracking their skull on the back window, and constantly having to move the seats when i get work stuff out. So, we finally found one, and hubs was telling a newish guy at work about it yesterday, and the guy was like "you know what that means right?? kids!!". Hubs started laughing and was like, "dude, you do not know my wife. she is so much differeny than any other woman out there, that's why I married her. she wants kids less than Barney on HIMYM!!"
I think right now, I am good with the idea of not having children. I know I want to be a mom, but not for a while anyway. Like you, I enjoy my freedom, my time with my FI, etc. I know the day will come when I definitely want to start a family. I totally agree with your decision. You are smart in knowing what you want. It would be wrong if you didn't want kids, and then had them anyway because it's the "thing to do" or because everyone else is having kids, or it's because you can have kids. Good for you!
@Bubu82: I was struggling to articulate how I feel about this and you said it brilliantly. I feel torn for exactly the same reasons. Hopefully we'll know what we want as time goes by!
now I'm in a list making mood! warning: this list is going to make me seem selfish to mothers, but It's how I feel and I'm glad I can own up to it!
1. I am totally not good with kids at all. super awkward. I shy away from them at family events. I feel relieved when it's time for them to go to bed and it's time for just the adults to visit. I am really glad when they are old enough to entertain themselves.
2. I have the most wonderful relationship with my FI, and I don't want it to change at all. I just have a strong feeling that the stress of having kids will put a strain on us, and I just don't think I can handle it!
3. I was very poor up until the age of 30, and I had never travelled overseas. my FI and I are finally financially comfortable, and we LOVE to travel all the time. I want to go to a foreign country every single year! it's like an addiction to me. I just don't see that being reasonable with kids, financially or logistically. not only that, but have you been hearing all that stuff on the news about people not being prepared for retirement? I so do not want to be that person. it's a huge fear of mine
4. IF we decide to have them, I'll be 37 or older. I do not want to risk it. I'm super worried about having a baby with any of the health issues that can happen when you have a baby past 37. I KNOW that tons of healthy babies are born to women over 37, but I just can't take that risk. we'll adopt if it comes to that.
5. I don't want to do all of that school stuff that parents are expected to do. homework, PTA meetings, volunteering for the school. NOT for me! I know some parents who have to work SO hard for their kid's schools. it is totally different compared to how it was when I was a kid. schools have like no money and need parents helping out a lot.
6. I don't want to have that constant worry that parents get. that worry supposedly never goes away, even after they grow up and leave the house. it's bad enough that I have a nagging fear that my FI is going to get hit by a bus walking to work, I don't need children amping up that anxiety!
LOL, I think some moms would read my list and attack me for sure!
As it stands my husband and I don't want kids, ever. Neither one of us has ever wanted kids, nor have we even for a second thought that we did.
BUT, we are both 27 and are giving ourselves till 35 before we go through any procedures to eliminate the possibility.
We do enjoy and love children, but I just don't have that yearn to be a mother and would be very surprised if I changed my mind.
You are certainly not alone, although I understand that at times it feels that way because so many people out there are having kids. My FI and I have decided that we don't want kids. We are all that we need and we both don't really like being around kids for extended periods of time. We also aren't willing to make the required sacrifices to be parents. I'm 26 and he is 30 which is young I know, but we've both felt like this for many years now so I really don't think we are going to change our minds. Plus, we have already gotten permanent birth control to ensure that it doesn't happen for us. ;-)
More than not wanting kids, I have even less desire to experience pregnancy so getting permanent birth control was really important to us. I definitely think that if you're dead set against having children that you should have good birth control.
If there's even a remote possibility that we change our minds about having kids down the road, we decided that we'd rather adopt than have our own.
@kala_way: awh, I so agree--I know so many parents who have had kids for selfish reasons...its so sad.
I say the more power to you if you don't want to have children. My FI and I have one and that is all we can handle. It's fun to hold a sweet little baby but taking care of another human being for 18+ years is exhausting. So one is enough for me...originally we didn't want children but our birth control methods failed and we decided that one child would be good for us...
and he is. He is our world. But he's all we need!
I just want to say I defintely want kids but i'm in FULLY SUPPORT of those that don't. I really can't stand the way people who make the choice to not kids are treated like "What are you crazy?" Everything isn't for everybody.
I wish more people gave thought to bringing life into this world, because I think a ton of our societal issues are because so many people don't truly consider the gravity ofi t. Its a huge sacrific and some will find it emotionally rewarding. Others d/won't. And thats okay. There are more than enough breeders in the world so I dont understand why people act like the earth will be kicked off its axis if a small segment of the population make the choice to not procreate.
Although I know for fact that I want kids and me and my FH have been together forever, we get the pressure "When are you gonna have kids?" I know the rewards, I love kids, I've have 4 god babies, I get it (hence why I want kids) BUT sometimes I feel like its a slight case of "misery seeks company*" type thing, Cause some parents due to having so much responsiblity totally envy that we arent' in the the mommy/daddy club yet and we can do whatever, whenever we want. Does that make sense???
And janie-janie your list reasons 2-6 reflect my concerns as well but my desire of a child outweighs those legitmate reasons.
*Please don't flame me gals. I know its not a miserable exisitance, but that was best phrase I could think of at the time. okay. okay.
I came across this post by accident. I never thought I would have children and have two now. We might even have another! (I also have a stepson). I just wanted to first say that I love my kids, I love being a mom, I love having family. I would NOT change it.
BUT, you should not ever feel shamed from not wanting kids. We (all of us women) do not need to have children! I have friends in their 40's now (older than me) that do not regret not having children. They like their life and sometimes I wish mine was simpler, more focused on me (say, going back to school or travel). If you don't, stand by that decision. I know your mom's and grandma's might be upset. But, it's okay. It's your life.
The only fear I would have is that not that I need looking after when I am old but......my dad passed away in Feb at age 55. Very young. And we, his kids, were in his hospice room day and night in the last days...and I thought...what would happen if we didn't have kids?WHo would have been with him in his most hurtful days? (he was in shock and not ready to die). How would my mom survive? (Meaning help, support, love, care from her kids when she needed it most). Friends, even good ones, disappear when really bad things happen (cancer). Cause people outside your family have their OWN families.
If you are okay with that, if something happened to your FI/DH and you had no kids....could you be okay with it? If so, then you have made the right decision!
It's definitely comforting to me to know that there are many ladies out there that don't want to have kids, becos everyone around me tells me "you HAVE to have kids once you get married! it's the next stage of your life!" Seriously, I am not all that exited about the possiblity of having children. I don't dislike them, not do I get all excited when I see pictures of babies and kids of my friends/family. I just don't feel that want nor need to have children. However, I do have the same fear as Elliegraye:
The only fear I would have is that not that I need looking after when I am old but......my dad passed away in Feb at age 55. Very young. And we, his kids, were in his hospice room day and night in the last days...and I thought...what would happen if we didn't have kids?WHo would have been with him in his most hurtful days? (he was in shock and not ready to die). How would my mom survive? (Meaning help, support, love, care from her kids when she needed it most). Friends, even good ones, disappear when really bad things happen (cancer). Cause people outside your family have their OWN families.
Having that, I have seen friends of my parents who are older & living alone, and sadly doesn't even get visits from their 30 something year old kids.
I guess we can't have everything in life, and if I end up not having children, I will treat my sibling's kids like my own. We just need to see things in a different perspective & be happy with the choice we have made for ourselves. My partner & I discussed this issue BEFORE we started dating, because I wanted everything out in the open & transparent and right now, we are still very happy with the decision we have made.
If I ever DO choose to have children later on, I would want to make sure I am emotionally, financially & physically ready because it's just not fair to bring anyone into a life without stability.
Live the life you want to live with no regrets. 
We are unsure, but I will be honest: the reactions that we're getting from those who think that it's selfish or crazy not to have kids are so off-putting that it's pushing us into the never ever ever camp.
Regardless of how amazing a person's child is, there's no reason to take it personally or think that another couple must have kids to be fulfilled. I would assume that it's much more selfish to have children if your heart isn't 100% in it, but a lot of times people neglect to see that.
You know, I am also very reluctant to have kids. My husband knew this going in, and still tries to work on me from time to time, but I think we are OK in the long run without them. Like others, if there was an accidental pregnancy, we would do what we could to make it work, but we aren't in the market for anything deliberate.
There are a couple of big reasons for me:
1)No maternal urge. I never held a newborn until my friends had kids, and am the youngest sibling, so I have zero experience with caring for babies, and really no urge to see what it's like.
2)Risk aversion. I am already in my mid-30s. The risk of having a child with a disability, or a serious food allergy, or a congential defect, or ADHD, epilepsy, etc, is really too much for me to even think about. I would have to seriously pysch myself up to be able to mentally handle raising a healthy baby, and just don't think I could deal very well with a child with special needs. I'd rather not put myself in that situation.
3)No guarantees. Some rude people have told me it is "selfish" not to have children. Really? I think it's *more* selfish to have kids so you can brag to your friends, become a "helicopter parent", mold the kid to be exactly like you, demand that they spend every waking minute talking to you and saying "I love you," etc, etc. I haven't encountered those people on WB though, thank goodness. :)
And as far as wondering who will take care of you in your old age? Again, I say, "no guarantees." I volunteered in nursing homes while i was in college, and there are so many lonely residents with children and grandchildren who rarely, if ever, visit. Children are no guarantee that you won't end up broke and alone at the end of your life.
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