I don't want my Dad's girlfriend at my wedding…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@krex:  I would also look at it from your dad’s perspective… I’m sure he will be hurt not having your mom there. What is the real harm with him bringing a date? You will be with your hubby most of the night and he will be… alone… at his daughter’s wedding… without his wife…. without someone to slow dance with….

 

Post # 4
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church

So… she hasn’t done anything to slight you at all, but you still don’t want to invite her?

You need to consider your dad’s feelings. His wife died and now he’s moving on so he doesn’t sink himself into a depressed hole thinking about something he can never get back. I know it hurts to not have your mom there, but you should be happy for your dad. He’s not doing it to spite you — he feels loving feelings toward someone enough that he wants her to see the happiest day in his daughter’s life.

Post # 5
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would imagine he’s not going to bring her since he hasn’t even told you about her existence.

If he does want to bring her, I would look at it from his side like JessSeny said. I’m sure it will be a tough day for him too. 

Post # 6
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think it’s appropriate for her to be at your wedding either given how new the relationship is. He is a major player on your wedding day and as such will be in a lot of photos and things. It’s just the wrong venue to introduce someone new. Even if they have been dating a while, she is new to you. Your wedding is next month, so even if you met her today I would still think it’s too soon to invite her to your wedding. Even someone who isn’t a talker can understand it if you say “I would need to know who the guest is and if it’s someone you are dating, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have her at my wedding. I am more than open to meeting this new person after the wedding and I’m happy for you if you have found someone new, but my wedding is very soon and I don’t think that given the amount of time there is before it that I will be able to feel comfortable about this person being there.”

I guess the bottom line here is you do need to talk with him. if it’s important to you you will push it and get him to have the necessary conversations to make sure everything turns out ok.

Post # 7
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Because you are his daughter, I don’t think that you could know your dad intimately the way his girlfriend would so to say he can’t hold a conversation and is incapable of having a girlfriend is kind of silly. Maybe this girlfriend makes him a better communicator, you just never know. He’s been single for 3 years, I’m assuming, give the guy a break. How is him bringing a date to your wedding assumed to be flaunting that he is dating? You don’t even know the lady, I think you should at least give her a chance. If you are so concerned I suggest that you and your FI have dinner with your dad and his girlfriend and that might calm the anxiety.

 

 

 

The same discomfort that you said you’d feel about your mom not being at the wedding will probably be felt by your dad too, but at least you have your new husband at your wedding to make you happy. Why do you give your dad that same pleasure? No, she doesn’t need to be playing stepmom, or be in pics but I think it would be nice to let her be your dad’s date.

 

Post # 8
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t think you’re being selfish at all.  If your Dad hasn’t made the effort to introduce her to you before the wedding, then I agree that bringing her as his date to the wedding is inappropriate.

I know what you mean about not being able to have a heart-to-heart with him, as my Dad is very similar.  Can you write him a letter or email explaining the feelings you expressed above?  Are you open to meeting her before your wedding?

 

Post # 9
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

As for those who say he will be alone, he won’t be alone, he will be at his daughter’s wedding with family and those he loves and is close to. A date isn’t going to make it easier, it’s actually an even bigger reminder that the bride’s mother isn’t around. Plus this will also be the first time family meets her and I wouldn’t want any attention or unwanted awkwardness to take over from people meeting this woman for the first time.

Also, I know he’s your dad, but the same way people say “either married, engaged, or living together” get’s a plus one, that applies here as well.

Post # 10
Member
6506 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

A PP mentioned it’s not appropriate due to how new the relationship is, but do you know how long they have been dating?

I think you should ask him if he wants to bring her and if he does, ask to meet her beforehand. She hasn’t done anything to slight you so I think it’s a bit unreasonable to just tell him no. Try to think of it from his point of view. Just explain that you would like to meet her and ask that she not be included in family pictures.

Post # 11
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First (( HUGS )) cause I get this is a hard thing for you

And THAT is the thing, if you can say all this to a bunch of stangers on the Internet, then you owe it to yourself, and your Dad to say it all in real life (otherwise, ya have to let him bring the date, as it is the right thing to do)

So as I see it you have 2 choices:

1- Call him up and talk over the phone to get this off your chest… not seeing him face to face will make it easier.  Call up and say “Dad we have to talk, and you cannot interrupt, you have to hear me out”… and then girl go for it… spew away

OR

2- Write it out (like you have done here so eloquently) and mail it to him

Honestly, I think he’ll GET WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM (more so in that your Dear Mother passed away, and this isn’t one of those oh-so-ugly Divorce scenarios that we read so often here on WBee)

He’ll have the chance to understand that you “their little girl” (ok maybe not so little, but to them you’ll always be) are truly hurting / missing Mom on this momentous occasion in your life.

I am guessing that if you explain it all, and really truly open your heart… that not only will he understand, but you may find he opens up as well

As another Bee said, maybe the thought of going to your Wedding alone shakes him to the core as well… something surely every Parent thinks of / imagines in their mind’s eye (maybe even has spoke of outloud) “Gosh they grow up so fast… before you know it we’ll be at her Wedding”

My own Ex-H has passed, and I know we definitely said those words when our kids were growing up… it will be hard when they marry for sure… not having him there.  Hard on all of us.  And I am sure for example with my Daughter it will be awkward for her to see me with my New Hubby… but such is life.  My New Hubby IS NOT HER DAD.  He’s a great guy Mr TTR, but he’ll NEVER BE HER FATHER (and we as adults both know that) NEITHER OF US would ever want to assume that he can replace her Dad… cause he just cannot.  No one can ever replace one’s Parent.  Period.

But that doesn’t mean that I as her Mom cannot be happy again, or she as my Daughter cannot be mature enough to be happy for me and embrace the fact that I found love again.

That is the thing you have to think about too… your Dad’s happiness (being alone in the world is hard.  It was uber difficult for me post Divorce after 20+ years, it has to have been even harder for your Dad in so much as your Mother died).  In Divorce you have regrets, sometimes the wound heals, and you can grow past it and move on.  In Death, you just have emptiness… and a wound that can scab over and heal, but there will always be a “soft spot” that is tender.

So even if the relationship he has with this Woman / GF isn’t that special just yet, he maybe cannot imagine himself alone at that piviotol moment IN HIS LIFE (cause it is a BIG deal for him too, your getting married)

After he hears you out, you’ll know whats up, as you’ll both do some sharing, and crying no doubt.

Trust me, this is a milestone moment for both of you (the chance to open the door and talk as 2 adults… as well as Child & Parent)

Take the leap of faith… and do it.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 12
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would straight out ak who he is planning on bringing and let him know you are uncomfortable with having someone you don’t know come. If you arne’t able to do this then I think you should let it go and let him bring a date. I don’t personally see what the big deal is, he’s your dad and should and if bringing a date is going ot make him happier-why not. It’s not like she needs to be included in pictures or anything like that. She will be a a body in a seat next to him, someone for him to dance with, etc-none of that changes how you will being feeling about your mom or how he felt about your mom.

Post # 13
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I personally DO think it selfish. Your dad has now been single 3 years, how is he not allowed to date. Yes it hurts that your mom is gone but you SHOULD be happy your dad has maybe found someone to be with.  Should he bring this woman to your wedding, that should BE disscused with him before hand.  Even if it is hard to talk to him, he IS your dad. You should be able to talk to him.

Put this way, my grandfather lost his wife my grandmother to cancer, within 3 years he was dating another woman. Who I did get to meet, she was a nice woman. Granted she wasn’t my grandmother but she was someone to keep him company.  It was nice to see my grandpa laugh again.  She was there for when the end came for him.  I am glad he found someone

Post # 14
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@krex:  The solution is to ask Dad to meet said girlfriend before the wedding.  Your mom died 3 years ago and he is ready to move on.  She will enver replace your mom and yes it will be sad that your mom is not at your wedding but you need to support your dad right now because he is still alive.

There was a board on here recently that addressed the issue of whether as a wife you would want your husband to move on and remarry after you did and a vast majority of ladies said yes.  I am sure your mom would want your dad to be happy and not spend his golden years alone, nobody wants that for someone they love.

Should she be in pictures or coordinating events?  Absolutely not.  But he shouldn’t have to be at your wedding all alone with only his memories and grief of your mother’s death to keep him company.

Post # 15
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsBeck:  I completely agree. 

I think you should ask to meet her before the wedding.  If you do and you get along, so much the better.  If you don’t get along, you can maybe ask your dad to come by himself because you miss your mom too much – he’d understand.  I don’t think you should ban her without having met her because she’s never done anything to you, and you know that he’s been lonely and deserves the happiness of having someone by his side.

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