I don't want my father at the wedding! Advice?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have no relationship with my father. I didn’t want him walking me down the aisle, either. My mom did it. He flew out and attended at the last second, but I fully expected it and was prepared for it. I spoke to my whole bridal party, as well as close friends – and the wedding coordinator. Everyone was aware of the situation, and that he could cause problems, so I had a lot of people looking out for me and for the event.<br /><br />Talk to your grandmother. Tell her how you feel about it. Ask that she not talk about it with your father. Stand your ground, and make him understand that he is not welcome there. Do NOT let him guilt you into it. Be strong, you can do it!

Post # 6
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

emilyjean89:  Yeah, I totally understand how you feel! The key is making sure the right people know about the situation, and not being afraid or ashamed to talk about it. You have good reasons as to why you’ve cut him out and don’t want him there. Let those close to you know about it – otherwise, how will you combat his crazy if no one realizes it might be an issue?? 🙂

Post # 8
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow, I know EXACTLY how youre feeling. I’ve struggled with similar feelings for a long time. 

Here’s where im at. I am only inviting people I want there. Cutting people out (of your life or wedding) doesn’t mean you don’t care about them, it means you respect yourself enough to protect yourself from the abuse and harm. 

Neither my mother or father are invited. And as far as I know, don’t even know about it. I invited my grandparents (mothers parents) two weeks ago, they took me in as a child and pretty much saved me life. i offered to pay for their flights and accommodation but they’ve declined to come because I wont invite their daughter. It isn’t ideal, but that’s life. Ive posted about this and other family issues before if you want more details. 

If you’d like to talk or want more details, message me, I’m happy to share. 

Post # 9
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

You are in a very difficult position but sometimes you just have to do what’s right for YOU and, importantly on your wedding day, what’s right for your FI and his family too because they don’t deserve to have this special day ruined by your father’s behaviour.

The thing about controlling people like your father is that they exploit the decency of the people they wish to control. They neither care, nor waste time worrying, about the emotional dilemma and heart-searching they cause. Instead, they plan to get their own way and they don’t care about the fallout. To put it bluntly, they take no prisoners.

It’s sad that you can’t involve your grandmother but equally sadly, this is your father’s fault. He has created the situation and yes, at 94, she’s unlikely to change how she feels about her son. Equally, what she doesn’t know about won’t worry her whereas if you share your wedding plans, you present this 94 year old lady with an emotional dilemma of her own. None of this is fair, of course but life rarely is fair when you have a controlling individual like your father to work around.

My mother (who I had a good relationship with) fell out with her own mother. Drastically. I wasn’t involved in the whys and wherefores and was never going to cut my grandmother out of my life. Not least because she played a huge role in helping to bring me up. When I sent invitations out to my previous wedding I included them both. My mother promptly phoned up and tried to guilt-trip me into disinviting my grandmother and her husband. I refused and I declined to take sides in a family feud that should have been resolved years earlier. So my mother didn’t come to my wedding. I was sad about this but I was sadder that she couldn’t put ancient history behind her and behave like an adult.

So yes, sometimes there are casualties. But most importantly, don’t let your entire wedding be the casualty here.

Post # 10
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee

Unfortunately, I don’t think you will be able to share your engagement and wedding plans with your grandmother until after the wedding.  If you know that your dad would cause trouble if he knew about the wedding in advance, make it so that it would be impossible for him to attend once he learns about it.  I know that it’s going to hurt to have to keep that information from her, but it’s the only way you can prevent your dad from being there.

Post # 13
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I am in sort of the same boat as you, @emilyjean89 …

I don’t really want to invite my dad, but feel conflicted as a cousin of mine is my MOH – and she isn’t entirely supportive of my not inviting him. However, it’s a complicated situation and I just feel like I’d have more anxiety that day with him there, than if he wasn’t. 

The decision isn’t easy, that’s for sure. But reading these boards and seeing that many other brides have gone through this same/similar situation does really help!

Post # 14
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Wheeler Historic Farm.

 

emilyjean89: My story is a little darker than yours and I will leave it at that, but my “dad” hasn’t been in my life for over 20 years. I am not having him part of my wedding either. My Grandpa is the best dad I could have asked for so I am having him walk me down the aisle. It’s YOUR wedding and your decision of who is welcome. I know what it is like also about not being sure whether to invite people who might tell him. For me, it’s my Aunt. It breaks my heart to not have her at my wedding, but I know for a fact that she would find a way to get him there, so I personally can’t ask her not to say anything. My solution is to not have her come, and still send her an invitation, but just before the wedding so that I can be sure it won’t get there in time just in case he is there. I am only inviting(in time) the family members of his side that have absolutely no contact with them. If for some reason, he does find out and show up, he will be escorted out by the police. No one but you can make the decision of your grandmother being there, and maybe for you, it would be possible to express your feelings and have him not made aware.

Post # 15
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Wheeler Historic Farm.

sorry if my post doesn’t make much sense…i haven’t had enough coffee yet today..

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