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Since she feels different about your relationship than you, she is most likely going to have her feelings hurt. I'm not sure you are going to be able to avoid that. If it were me and one of my friends, I would go out and spend some time together, get a beer and food and then tell her that yall have decided to keep it as simple as possible so you aren't "imposing" on all your friends to have to buy a dress and be your craft slave etc. I would talk it from the angle of "doing her a favor" by expemting her from the wedding planning stress. But thats ME. This is not a game plan for everyone, its just how I would handle it with my friends.
I'm assuming (even though I know its never a good idea to make assumptions..) that if I told her I didn't want to put the stress on her, she would immediately say that she wants to help, she wants to be stressed. She's very into fashion and would probably love to buy a dress.
I don't want to hurt her, but part of me, a big part of me, can't believe that she would just assume, and even tell my mom she is going to be a bridesmaid. Isn't that very bad manners?? It made me pretty upset. She has put me in a very awkward position, which isn't a very "best friend" thing to do.
I think you should have came clean with her the first time she mentioned it.
I think it's kind of rude of her to butt into YOUR wedding like this.
Just tell her how you feel, that you and your FI have already decided on a small bridal party and you picked people that you have known longer over her and if she really thinks she's you "best friend" she should be understanding.
A least she still invited to your wedding right? ^_^
Personally I love helping friends like a BM because that's who I am... I try to be helpful, without being an BM b/c I don't like wearing that dress and being in front of everyone.
I would just keep it simple, and explain that you're limiting it to your one oldest friend each, but that you look forward to celebrating together with her on the day.
I had to come clean with my 2 best friends right after the engagement that I was just having my 2 sisters as bridesmaids. We are having a smaller wedding <100 guests, so myself and FH decided to keep the wedding party small. We decided on 2 attendants on each side (2 BM/2 GM) so my sisters were my first choice. One of my friends was sad, but also my best friends both have kids, so they will be busy with their little guys on that day as well! Just be straight, and make sure she knows its not about her, its about your preference for wedding party size!
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I'm in agreement with Raindrops. Just tell her you have chosen your BM's because you have know them for so long....and leave it at that.
I also think it is very rude when anyone is that pushy presuming that they will be your BM....
But....yeah, keep it short & sweet, I picked X & Y because I've known them forever and I can't wait to enjoy our wedding day with all of you (if you're inviting her...lol).
I agree that she shouldn't have pressured you to be in your wedding. It's unfortunate you two aren't on the same page, regarding your friendship. If you really don't want her in the wedding, you just have to tell her.
What you have in your favor is that you are actually having a very small BP. So it's not like you are lying by saying that. Maybe you could tell her that you need to keep it small because it creates less stress and work for you. Or that your Fi and you talked about having people, and the logistics of keeping it an even wedding party meant just one each. Maybe you can add that you value her friendship and feel honored that she wanted to take part. And when she gets married, if she wants to ask you to be in the wedding, that you would be honored. You wished you could have worked it out to have everyone you both wanted. But it would have been difficult to draw the line.
Good luck.
I agree with pp's.. she needs to know that you won't be having her as bridesmaid and honestly the sooner the better. Is there any other way you could include her in your wedding? Maybe she could do a reading? If she is helping in planning in any way you could include her as a bridal attendant by name only?
Since you are just having a MOH, hopefully she won't take it too hard when she comes clean. If you want her to, maybe when you talk to her about it you could mention that you'd still really appreciate her help and opinion with things like shopping, the bridal shower, the bachelorette party, etc. If you don't actually want her help though...don't ;)
Be firm with her, trust me on this... I know of what I speak on this subject. I had someone ask me to be in my wedding and I caved. It has been one of the only points of tension in this whole planning process. Be kind, but firm and tell her that you are only planning on having one person stand up for you.
thank you SO much to everyone who replied. I need to talk to her.. next week for sure.
aaah.. i'm scared, but I have to do it asap.
I don't want her involved at all really.. i mentioned she could make a speech if she likes, but as far as planning or dress shopping, we're just WAY too different for me to appreciate her opinion. she doesn't want to get married, hates kids, hates dogs, and doesn't like any of my other friends. Basically bases her opinion of people on what they're wearing and how much it cost. She stresses me out big time!!!
anyway, thanks again everyone!!
If all you have is an MOH, then it should be easy enough to tell her you're only having one person in your wedding party. Maybe you can ask her to do a reading or something if you want to keep the peace?
This friend sounds like she has a very disrespectful personality overall--she's confrontational, she's pushy about saying what she expects rather than asking a question, and she's judgemental of other people based on her own values. Hmmm, I wouldn't recommend a kind/gentle/open-hearted approach to this one. I would keep it simple and to the point. She sounds the kind of person who will react big time no matter what you say, so I don't really think there's any point in trying to cushion the blow with too many niceties. She won't hear them, she'll just react. Maybe I'm way off base here, but I'm just going based on what you've said so far!
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Shu really just sounds like she expects to be in your wedding. I know you don't want to confront her, but it's probably best to at least pick up the phone or tell her in person.
Let her know that you are your FI are planning to have just 1 person each and you're terribly sorry she won't be in it, but now she can relax and enjoy the wedding!
update!
i still haven't told her. she's being practically unbearable lately. i wish i wasn't such a wimp!
she's talking about planning my bachelorette party and how i better get her advice about my dress.
i don't want her involved at all, it's not just about not being a bridesmaid, i really don't want her help with anything. at this point i wouldn't even care if she didn't attend as a guest.
i probably sound like a terrible friend.
i almost told her today but couldn't go through with it. she's a bully and i completely chickened out.
i really appreciate everyone's advice! thanks :)
After reading your posts I have to ask, why do you want to remain friends with her, especially if you don't think you can be yourself around her? It sounds like she may be a person that needs to be needed and I think maybe she might be hurting a little inside and she's just not dealing with it very well.
When she talks about not wanting to get married, have kids, dogs or not liking your other friends, is she bitter about it? It might not be that she doesn't want those things but that she doesn't think she ever will have them, so she says she doesn't want to which makes it look like a choice instead of a circumstance. Maybe she secretly views being single as a bad thing and doesn't want everyone else to know she would rather not be and is afraid people would pity her if they knew she was unwillingly single. She might also be jealous that you have great, loyal friends and she doesn't. Or that could all be way off and she could just be a nebby, pushy, judgemental, egotistical meanie.
I think you must explain to her about only having two attendants on each side. You can explain that it is just ONE day and that it doesn't mean you don't see her as a friend.
If you want to try to revive the stressed friendship I would follow that up with telling her what you enjoyed about your friendship in the past, the things you admire about her/what she's good at but also bringing up about how the kind of help you need right now is from people who can step outside of their personal opinion for what THEY would want if it was their wedding/event and look at things in the view of whether or not it works for YOUR wedding and what YOU would like (though not in those exact words).
Let her know if she would be willing to do that during this stressful time you would appreciate help when you need it but if not then be honest and let her know you probably won't be coming to her for help. If she is a confrontational person, and true friend, she might appreciate you "challenging" her so-to-speak.
If you talk about what she's good at I would make it things that are applicable to ways she could help with the wedding and maybe list how her eye for fashion would be great for helping you pull the big picture together. Maybe she could use her fashion sense to find you some great steals, like designers items at big discounts or look-a-like pieces that don't cost nearly as much. Just remember to stress that you need her help looking at things that fit YOUR style and budget not hers.
Good luck, ((hugs))!
I know it is hard to be upfront with someone who is such a bully and intimidating in their personality. But you just need to say that you are having a small wedding party and wished that you could have her in the wedding party but you both have decided on a small wedding party. Tell her that you hope she will understand and that you don't mean to hurt her feelings.
My SIL had me as her MOH and one of her friends was so pushy and would bascially feed her crap that I wasn't a good MOH and that she should have choosen her to be the MOH. So my SIL caved in the week of the wedding and said she could be Co-MOH. I was crushed because I thought it was something I did. The other B**--h butt in all the week of the wedding and caused undue stress on her, me, my brother and our families. My SIL and her are starting to no longer be friends because of the way she treats everyone.
You don't want the same thing to happen to you, and the only way to prevent it is to be honest and upfront with her. Just bite the bullet and do it. The sooner you do the sooner you will be relieved and can start focusing on other things wedding related.
Good Luck!
Just come right out and say it. Her feelings will be hurt - that's unavoidable - but you deserve to have exactly what you want for your wedding. I made the HUGE mistake of inviting my cousin, who has a difficult personality, into my wedding party because I knew she expected to be asked and would have been hurt if I didn't ask her. I cannot emphasize enough how deeply I regret that decision. She has caused nothing but problems for me, my MOH, my mother, and the other bridesmaids. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't think twice about her feelings, knowing the havoc she has wreaked on mine.
Look at it this way: she's ALREADY causing you stress with her assumptions. Do yourself a favor and nip this in the bud - the sooner the better!!
You definitely need to tell her, and soon! The longer you wait, the more difficult it's going to be, and the angrier she'll be. I hope you do it soon! I know it's hard, but once it's over, you'll feel so much better!
i did it!
i did it in an email though. which wasn't a brave thing to do, but i'm SO relieved.
She reacted ok, i think better than i expected, because it wasn't in person.
She did say she's hurt that i didn't tell her sooner.
i'm nervous to see her npw, but i feel like such a huge weight has been lifted!!
thank you everyone for the encouragement!!
That's really great that you were able to tell her. While you might not consider it the "brave" thing to do using email at least you found some way to communicate to her and didn't let her continue to bully you. That is something to be proud of, and who knows, this could be just one of several small steps that get you to a point where you can confront someone else like her in the future.
Don't feel too bad about using email. I did the same thing. In my case though, the only way my friend and I really communicate is through IM or email even though we live in the same city. I am just not a phone person. The situation was different, but I still had to tell my friend that opposed to being my MOH I'd like her to be a bridesmaid. It was hard, but our relationship has not suffered from it. Glad you were able to get it done and you're more at ease now!
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I'm getting married next summer, and my fiancee and I have chosen to only have a MOH and a BM. We both chose our oldest friends from childhood.
I have a friend from highschool, who is assuming she will be a bridesmaid.
she even said "you'd better make me a bridesmaid, I already told your mom"
and just the other day she said " I should be your MOH"...
she keeps mentioning it, and I keep chickening out of telling her.
She calls me a best friend, but I don't exactly think of her that way. I never feel like I can be myself around her.
I don't know how to tell her I don't want her in the wedding party at all. I think she will be very upset. She is the kind of person who gets very confrontational.
any advice??
thanks!