Post # 1
Here’s the dilema. I hate my mother, but try to keep peace as much as possible for my dad’s and son’s sake. My mother says she loves me, but she goes out of her way to hurt me, even taking the side of my abusive ex husband in our custody battle because he lets her have her way with our son. It has taken me four years in court to fix what my mother did. She regrets her choices, but that was just the last in a life of angst inflicted upon me by this woman. I am getting married for the second time and want nothing but positive energy with people I love and who love me and my fiance the same way. I would be happy with just my fiance, son, and my best friend. We plan on eloping to Costa Rica just so my mother will not be there but he does want HIS parents and sister. There will be no peace for my father or I after my mother finds out his family was there, but mine was not welcome. His parents and I get along great and they have always been supportive of us. However, his sister goes out of her way to exclude me and make it known she does not like me. In fact, she is just a bitter person in general. As far as his sister, just quick example, she was recently married. While they were taking family pictures, my fiance’s father had his girlfriend beside him who had been with him as long as I had been with my fiance. His mom called me to join photo and his sister said no. I go OUT OF MY WAY to be nice to this woman and dont think I should have to deal with the childesh behavior on my day.
This is becoming an issue for my fiance and I. Me not wanting drama is creating drama. We are wonderful on compromise but have come to a road block on this one. Its his wedding, too and I want him to be happy but have to sacrafice mine to do so. I really need this day to be filled with love and respect, not insincere platitudes and forced small talk. Is there a way to make him understand just how important this is to me or am I being selfish? I’m so tired and have been through so much. I just want peace but can not bear the stain of my mother at my wedding.
I really appreciate anyone’s opinions and/or suggestions.
Oh, by the way, this is my fiance’s second marriage to. His first, they decided spur of the moment to run over to the justice of the peace. He said his family didn’t care and they just did a big reception afterwards. Why is he putting hsi foot down this time when its so important to me?
Post # 3
Maybe you could suggest having a "welcome home" party for the newlyweds once you and your fiance get back from Costa Rica and see how your FI reacts to the suggestion. Or just invite the parents, explaining to your FI how his sister makes you feel.
Maybe the reason he’s putting his foot down this time is because he didn’t get to have his family there with his first marriage and he really wants to share this happy day with them.
I love that you say "it’s his wedding too" – that’s something I’ve had to remind myself of a few times during the planning process! Really, my only suggestion is to make sure you’ve explained your feelings to him as clearly as you did to us. I’m confident you two will figure out how to come to a compromise on this too!
Post # 4
Is the issue here both his sister and your mom or just your mom. Does your mom even need to know that his mom was there? How would she find out if you dont’ tell her? And if she did know would she even be able to come considering it is a destination wedding (the same for his sis and mom here). Is it possible that all the worrying is for not because they won’t be able to come regardless?
This is def a tough one! It sounds like you are going to have to make some kind of sacrifice here. As you said.. it is his wedding too.. and if it’s important that his mom and sister be there then I think you’re going to have to let that one ride. What you need to focus on is how to deal with your mom. If she is aware of the strain between the two of you do you really feel that she will be suprised and hurt by not being invited? Sounds like she should kind of expect that. Is there a way for you to play off the fact that they were there without throwing it in her face? Like making it seem like a family vacation or something??
Post # 5
1) Your mom
Don’t invite her. You’re the only one here who knows how poorly she treated you. If you feel that srongly and are prepared to deal with the fall out (ie. she won’t speak to you), don’t invite her. Just because she’s your mom doesn’t mean she is an automatic invite. Of course most mothers are invited to their children’s weddings. It seems like a no brainer. That’s because most mothers behave better than yours apparently has, to date. (And invite FI parents. They should not be excluded because of your mother’s bad behavior.) I understand not wanting to cause greater problems between your mom and you (or your dad). You’ll just have to face the music and be honest.
2) FI’s sister
I think you’ll want to compromise on this one to keep the peace. I’m sorry she seems to not like you. But this is stuff you will have to deal with throughout your marriage (holidays, special occasions.) Better try to get hat worked out. I know a 4th of July is different than your wedding day. Is there something you could do to break dow nthose walls? Have her go to a cake tasting with you, or just out to lunch? If you feel like it’s a little to far down the line to ask her to lunch, could you just have a talk with her? try somehing like, "I feel like we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. I’m sorry about that. I’m really looking forward to starting my life with "FI" and all of our family occasions. I’m hoping you and I can start over. I think we all will have a better time at the wedding and future family events."
Hope that helps. Good luck.
Post # 6
By the way, we have a board here for encore brides and there’s alot of different issues that encores face so come and check us out! I understand your pain at this situation and wish you love and happiness. It’s great that his parents are that supportive btw. Here’s my take on things:
1) Invite your dad and his fiance, they seem supportive.
2)NO to mom. Negative past and it would be stressful. As a single mom who went thru a difficult divorce, I could not look at her honestly after having to endure that at the hand of my own mother.
4)sister in law: Unless you’re willing to have a heart to heart with her before and if so, wait on her response to it to decide to bring her.
Post # 7
Sigh, yes, I think you’re right, Loralie. His first wife cheated on him and it ended after only a year. I think it’s important to him to start this one different, just like it is for me. Tanya, as far as his sister, I have done everything I possibly can to get her to warm up. She has come to accept the fact that she’s stuck with me, even if she’s not friendly. The last time I saw his family, his mother told me she understood how hard my fiance is to live with and she’s very grateful to me for taking such wonderful care of him. I figure with mom’s vote, I’m not doing half bad! ; )
Yes, its not fair to punish him for my mom. And yes, rnc20, my mom is VERY aware. However she wont understand. She thinks I should just forget everything and move on. She’s a very selfish person and takes no responsibility for any of her actions or for anything at all. She’s the type of person who gets mad at you because you have the AUDACITY to get upset that she took your car without asking and made you late for work. You’re selfish and spoiled because she needed chocolate, dont you understand that!??!! 😛 Anyhow, you get my point. Were she there, she would find a way to make the day all about her.
She does know my plans, and she’s trying to convince me to just have a small church wedding here with just family. "She can understand why I dont want a huge wedding." In spite of everything, she doesn’t realize its HER that I dont want there.
At least when the fall out comes, I’ll have a wonderful, supportive man at my side. I think the sacrafice my fiance is going to have to make is there will be no family pictures, or at least never put up in our house. That would throw it in my mothers face and cause unending grief. As far as my mom knows now, it’s just my fiance, son and I to be present at the wedding.
Thanks for your help guys. Its nice to have some neutral input.
Post # 8
Thanks, Bellenga! I will definitely check out the encore bride section. I’ve been really impressed with time people take on here to leave mature feedback to help perfect strangers.
Post # 9
You should invite his parents-your decision is to not invite your mother is because you do not like her-not because you don’t want parents at the wedding. If you got along she would be invited, and therefore I don’t think it is right to tell your fiance not to invite his parents just becaus you do not want your mother there.
Just my opinion.
Post # 10
2ndtimer: My FI had the justice of the peace wedding for his first. But now he wants all the pomp and circumstance and the big wedding with family and everything. I think it is very important that you let his sister be there, because if/when you reconcile in a few years, you’ll treasure those pictures. I wouldn’t be offended by how she’s treating you. Think of it from her perspective, the last woman she trusted to care for her brother broke his heart. It may be very difficult for her to every trust someone with him again. His ex didn’t just brake his heart, she broke his family’s heart too. Give her a little slack and I’m sure in time she’ll come around.
I would invite everyone in your family, his family, make a big to-do about it like your FI wants. BUT I wouldn’t invite your mother. Even if she found out (and I’m sure she would) it would give her insight into how her actions impact you. My SIL’s mother acts the same. And she will never change. She just wait until she is forgiven, them imparts another emotional blow, and leaves my family to clean up the mess. I know it’s your mom, but some people are just selfish. I think it’s worth having the wedding you want, with all the family photos on every wall of the house, even if it’s only to remind you that she is a source of pain in your life. And her absence will make it a better wedding!
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Oh, and welcome to Weddingbee!!
Post # 11
Wow. What a coincidence. I am not inviting my mom either and I dont get along with my FI sister (and neither does he)
Our solution, neither are invited to the wedding.
Spare yourself the drama. I would not invite your mom.
As for the sister, I would allow her to come as your future husband really wants her there. I would fore-warn him though that one little snyde remark from her and “its on”. Just try to stay out of her direct path. Mingle with others as best possible and just pretend she is not there. I do have to disagree with some other responses. Dont waste your time trying to befriend someone who really does not seem interested to get you know you or be kind to you. Life is too precious. Spend your time and efforts on those who enjoy you, repsect you and value you. Ditch the ones that dont. Move on with those who care.
ps I know you said you dont like drama, but I cant help but to suggest that when it come to picture time, you exclude her from at least one session. There is nothing like cosmic justice aka karma (haha)
Post # 12
If you don’t want to invite your mom, don’t. But if he wants his sister there then you really have no right to say she can’t be there.