I don't want my sister in my wedding party

posted 3 weeks ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

My husband and I have a mutual distain for his brother, my BIL. I mean, he’s just a screw up. He’s rude. He’s  narcissistic. He’s two years older than DH and he has serious jealousy issues: DH got engaged and married first; DH graduated college first; DH is going to law school, while BIL was supposed to go to med school but didn’t. BIL treats his mother like garbage and everyone else like trash. He’s a borderline alcoholic. 

Needless to say, he was still in our wedding party. We wanted it to be a great experience for everyone and were thinking if memories down the line. BIL attended bachelor party and stuff, but left early… honestly he wouldn’t even minded not getting an invite. But whatever. I should mention that their grandmother was just diagnosed with cancer and adding BIL to the wedding party was a last minute decision for the sake of the grandmother (who passed away suddenly three weeks later, them being so happy with each other and the wedding in general was all she talked about)

When I say I can’t stand this guy… just imagine your BIL doing a line of cocaine in the bathroom at your wedding, because mine did. 

You and your sister seem very similar to DH and BIL. However, if I were in your position, I would decline being in her wedding party, especially if you don’t want the guilt to include her in yours. Just complain about money or something. 

Congrads on your upcoming engagement! Can’t wait to see how it turns out. If he even thought about getting you a kitty, he’s definitely a keeper and your sister has every right to be jealous!!!! 

Post # 3
Member
726 posts
Busy bee

If you don’t get along with her, you shouldn’t need to have her in your wedding party. Your family doesn’t get a say. My siblings and I are not at all close and therefore will not be in my bridal party when I get married again. I’m not involved in any of their weddings. I understand. It’s fine. 

Post # 4
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

I am all about keeping the peace, so I vote yes on putting her in the bridal party. I don’t think she has to be your maid of honor or anything, hell, stick her at the end.lol Bottom line though, she’s is your sister. Maybe one day she will grow up and when good things start to happen to her she won’t be as petty. Maybe she still will, who knows. 

I will say, I was not close with my older sister at one point in our lives. She got addicted to drugs, abandoned her first child and I barely spoke to her. I was embarrassed any time she came around because she was usually messed up and thought nobody could tell so she wasn’t discrete. It was always a pity party thing for her, she always thought my little sister and I got everything while she got nothing. She went to rehab several times and one time finally stuck but I still didn’t really want her in my wedding either because we weren’t close, but I did it, because she’s my sister. She met a guy, got married, had children she could care for, and she became my very best friend. She was finally the sister I had always needed her to be. She had a seizure about 3 months ago and passed away. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have some of my wedding pictures to look back on. No matter what, at the end of the day, she is your sister. 

Post # 5
Member
531 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think she will ever change just because she is in your wedding party – so NO. Just give her an easily replaceable job, like reader (with your friends ready as a backup). That way she has less chance to wreck your wedding and you can tell your mom that you already have her in your wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

nycoleman :  oh god that sounds terrible!

 

OP do not put her in your wedding.  Think of future you who will be kicking herself for not nipping this problem in the bud.  Weddings bring out the worst in people.

Post # 7
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

megrays :  Oh it was! I could write a book on how this guy single handledly ruined my wedding, but that’s for another post! 😂

Post # 8
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

She’ll make your wedding a nightmare if you put her in the bridal party.  Just say no, and if your mom asks you to reconsider, tell her the decision is made and it’s not up for discussion.  

Post # 9
Member
4906 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

PsychGIrl13 :  I know it’s not ideal, but have you considered having no bridal party at all?  Then she’s not no excuse to whine about it and your family can’t guilt you – no one’s doing it.  Otherwise honestly I’d just suck it up but make sure someone else was “in charge” whenever charge needs to be taken.

Post # 10
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

My sister and I were not close in our 20s… We are now but it took some work… To this day nobody can push my buttons like her and vice versa… Personally I would regret not having her in my bridal party.

Post # 11
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

If you were a dude you’d literally be my FI. Parents have always defended his older sister. She’s been an alcoholic, has told everyone to die horrible deaths, will disappear for years at a time, and then show back up with no warning and everyone acts like nothing every happened. My fiance and I are very perplexed at how his family can behave this way. She does the same stuff to FI as your sister does to you even when she’s “normal.” Last year we told the family the good news that FI was quitting his corporate job to run our business from home, HUGE deal to us, and that’s when she chose to say she was feeling sick and wanted to go hang out with her other friend who was sick. She didn’t stay for the planned dinner, no congrats. Typical, and even mild, behavior from her.

We never wanted a big wedding, and we were talked into one. We also would get SO much grief from his parents for not including sister. SO, we’re actually getting married the week before our planned wedding, courthouse style like we’d wanted, and we’re basically throwing the “wedding” for everyone else. The parents (who talked us into it in the first place) are paying for it so we just stopped caring. She’ll be included in the wedding party, his parents will get the fake “picture perfect family” look they want to give off to the world, and we get our tiny courthouse wedding with my best friend as a witness. 

Not saying you should do your own ceremony or anything, but maybe consider this somehow? Like have her has a bridesmaid in name but don’t give her any actual duties?

Post # 12
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

I have sisters and feel like your stories are extremely petty – and 6+ years ago, really?  She vented to your mom about a bad grade?  She’s close to her, who cares?  So she embarassed your boyfriend in your family home when you were 21 and you’re 27+ now.  Wow, move on.

I’m also not bothered by her questions about getting a dog and going to a national conference.  Maybe that’s her way of making sure you’re prepared financially / time-wise etc.  Have you eer asked her why she doesn’t just congratulate you?

The proposal is unfortunate but the rest of the post rings petty to me and not enough reason to keep her out.

Post # 13
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Screw that! Do not have her in your wedding party. You’re clearly not close (which is reason enough if you ask me) so why bother giving her a chance to steal your joy? She already managed to affect your engagement plans so if I were you I wouldn’t risk it. Weddings make people nuts and you should be surrounded by people who support you and minimize your stress. So whatever your reasons are (whether ppl see it as petty or not), the bottom line is that you dont want her in your bridal party so why do it?

Post # 14
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Speaking as someone who won the lottery on cruel, self-centered, manipulative sisters, your complaints are seriously small potatoes. And leaving her out could widen the rift. Don’t do something out of spite now that you’ll regret 20 years down the line when everyone has grown up a bit. 

And yes, I did still ask my sister to be a bridesmaid. She turned me down.

Post # 15
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You could always not have a bridal party that way you can avoid all that. I am one of six, and four of those siblings are sisters. That would be a big bridal party and my fiance doesn’t know that many guys!

I was thinking of having them do readings or be involved in some other way, but after a major family blow up, they didn’t talk to me for months.

I decided to not have any readings just to avoid all of that stress.

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