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1) Can you and your sister drive to SoCal w/out your FI?
Edit: Sorry! I didn't realize you were already going to be in SoCal without your FI. My second suggestion stands.
2) Can your FI fly out of SoCal to Utah? (sorry, don't know much about CA so maybe this is not possible)
You need to tell the bride about this in advance. We were able to fill a few seats in the last minute.
Can he fly to Utah directly from SoCal? When I had to travel last minute for work, my boss was really accomedating about flying out of / in to whatever airport would work for me, as long as the price wasn't insanely different. Since you're talking NorCal vs SoCal, and not like Georgia or something, I wouldn't think it would change the cost too much? Can't hurt to ask.
Can your FI fly from SoCal? Has his office already bought the ticket?
If he can, he can drive down with your sister, and then your sister and date can return with the car?
This late in the planning I do think it would be rude. It is unlikely that the bride would be able to fill your seats last minute. She won't get a refund on your food because her numbers probably had to be in weeks ago and she has already purchased the centerpiece, favor, etc. for the 4 of you.
It might not be the easiest thing for your FI to do, but etiquette wise it would be best for him to do the extra traveling. If you all decide not to go, you do need to let your cousin know ASAP, and send a very nice gift.
Is there any other way (train or bus) for your sister to get to SoCal? I would be so sad if 3 or 4 people couldn't attend the wedding. I'd be more than understanding if 1 couldn't, but you should definitely 1. Tell the bride ASAP and 2. Try to figure out an alternative ASAP. Good luck!
Circumstances come up & people can't make it sometimes, its life. However, you MUST tell the bride! You shouldn't even have to think about that... how hurt you would be if people just didn't show up to your wedding?
Four people, that's 1/2 a table.... since you RSVP'd yes & your sister is relying on him, you definitely need to make it work!
I can't drive my sister down, I am leaving for SoCal tomorrow morning and will be there for an extended period of time -- she has to stay here and work, was just going down for the wedding.
FI is asking his work if he can fly out of SoCal, I am not sure what they'll say. Maybe yes, maybe not. But even if they DO say yes, my sister cannot return with the car because she is a very inexperienced driver and not insured, so it's just not a safe situation for her to drive alone. And I will still be in SoCal longer, so I'm no help.
Arrrgggh!!
Definitely tell the bride.. if 4 people cant come she may be able to fill the seats so it might work out! If not yea can he fly out from SoCA to Utah?
1) Tell the bride immediately.
2) If at all possible, get everyone to the wedding that RSVP'd yes. How would you feel if she did the same thing to you?
Okay, now that you have updated, my suggestions are this:
1) Have your fiance try to fly out of SoCal and have your sister take a train or bus back if she can't afford plane tickets.
2) Have your fiance drive to SoCal for the wedding and go back up to NorCal with your sister and fly out of there for work.
3) Have your sister take a bus or whatever both ways and have 3 out of 4 of you go.
4) I would tell your cousin about your plans ASAP because I'm sure she has her final count in and won't be able to get anyone else to come.
I am asking if I should tell the bride only because I really don't know what to do, not because I want to be rude and hurt her! Of course I don't want to do that. But my friend got married last year, and she was complaining to me that people called her the day before the wedding and said they couldn't make it... she said she was in full "bride/wedding/happy mode" and could not believe people were calling her to burden her with that stuff. That is why I was like... ok is it really bad to call the bride and tell her depresing stuff right before the wedding??!!
Also - the wedding is going to be about 300 people... not that it isn't rude to pull out at the last minute with that many people! :(
I think that I will DEFINITELY go even if I have to go alone, because I feel really bad about all this. But the 3 vacant seats... ugh it is friggin terrible.
@jennifer_espos: my sister could travel by train but she has no money for a train ticket either, it's pretty expensive
could you rent a car for the one way drive? then return it? it doesnt help her get back but there are cheap last minute flights or allegiant air or something!
Didn't you say she is bringing a date? Does that person have a car or a driver's license?
If the date does have a license, it wouldn't be too bad to split the trip. A lot of it will be on I-5, right? That's just straight and flat driving.
You need to let the bride know. Things come up and people - sane people - understand that. But let her know, or else she does have a right to be pissed because she will need to adjust tables, seating, meals, favors etc.
Tell the bride NAO, definitely. Is there anyway that your sister's date could drive and get her and then take her back? I'm not sure what your financial situation is, but perhaps you could help pay for a train ticket for her since the ride thing fell through. I know it's not your responsibility but...yeah.
Hopefully the bride or groom have family or friends that they couldn't invite and can call them up and they would be able to make it...
Ok so whatever happens, I will definitely tell her if & how many people won't be able to make it. I will also definitely go, because I don't want to be disrespectful and I will be ABLE to make it (just alone and feeling INCREDIBLY sheepish).
I will tell my sister to look into taking a bus, that is a good idea and WAY more affordable, so true hotchildinthecity. She is a teensy bit flaky & unreliable (hah!) so I totally have my doubts as to whether she will make it happen. She mostly just RSVP'd yes out of reliance on FI to drive her. That is why I feel so personally guilty that if my FI can't go, it's the domino effect of 3 vacant spots. Horrible.
I really have my doubts about FI's ability to attend, this work thing that came up is pretty major and I don't think he will be able to fit in the travel time down to SoCal.
I will let her know, though, and do my best to limit to just 1 no-show. Ok so how about this ... how to tell her? Is a facebook personal message really bad form?? Should I call her? I haven't spoken to her on the phone in like 15 years!! But I will if it's necessary
While it's not quite the norm, we didn't have to turn in our count until 3 days out. Definitely let the bride know that things have come up so that a) there is a chance of her working it out on her side b) so you don't just show up alone and have her disappointed. A lot of the previous posts offer good suggestions too in terms of your FI flying from there, buses, trains, etc.
you most definitely need to call her, FB is def bad form, even if it has been a long time. put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel getting a FB msg.
Well personally I would prefer the FB message, GREATLY prefer it. Way less awkward, can react to the news & inconvenience however I want to without trying to be polite & gracious. I think in so many ways an email is way more convenient & comfortable for the person receiving it. But I guess some people (most?) people would consider it insulting? That is what I'm trying to figure out...
Ugh I am *asking* what to do here because I don't know what is good form and how the bride would feel about this stuff! OF COURSE I want to do the best possible thing here!! That is why I'm so upset!
I'm afraid that she might be too busy to read her emails or facebook messages right now and wouldn't get the message.
I would call the maid of honor or the best man or the mother of the bride. If you can't reach/don't know any of them only then I'd call the bride. It is imperative to let someone know the count is off by three/four but you're right that the bride probably doesn't want to be dealing with this right now. Though a week out is way better than a day out!
I also want to say that with a 300 person wedding and you not being close there's a good chance she won't be upset at all and will understand. Stuff comes up! I would understand with my 75 person wedding though I might be sad - depends on who it was! :)
Is there any chance you guys could leave directly after the wedding and drive back to NoCal?
I know it's a pain, but we had a similar situation come up once- we were attending a wedding in Pennsylvania and had to be in Massachusetts the next day, so we stayed for dinner, the bride and groom's dance, and the cake cutting, and then we said goodbye and explained to them that something came up and we weren't going to be able to stay for dancing. They were just really grateful that we were able to make it and the people at our table even said "thank god you guys came or we would have been the losers with 1/4 of our table missing".
We split up the driving and made it back in time!
Maybe if you tell the bride she'll be able to have someone else come. I'd tell her sooner rather than later. There's a chance they haven't given their final headcount so I'd let them know ASAP.
If not there are tons of stories about how girlfriends or boyfriends can't be invited because of space so perhaps she could allow someone who wasn't invited to come now. Or at the very least she could tell the venue to subtract some chairs so she wouldn't have empty ones.
Please CALL the bride and tell her personally that you aren't coming and use the opportunity to congratulate her and wish her well. I am 9 days out and would be upset at this point if someone just facebooked me to tell me they aren't coming. It's worth a phone call. Wedding are a lot of work and planning and a phone call shows due respect for that.
Thank you for all the input! I am planning to call her and her mother this weekend, as soon as we make arrangements and figure out what's going on. It's still possible at this point that we'll be down only one (I am probably going to buy my sister a ticket, which is unfortunately coming out of my DIY flower money. booo!), which isn't TERRIBLE, and FI is really doing all he can to make arrangements with his work so that he can join us, too
I think the polite thing to do is for you to still go since you already RSVP'd but notify the bride that the other's can't make it and explain why.
Just an FYI I've taken the train from LA to San Fran before RT is just under $100, I think it's around $96. There's actually only 1 train a day that goes straight through to LA the rest stop in Bakersfield and you take a bus the rest of the way. I'm not sure how much cheaper a bus would be OR if your sisters date is not as inexperienced a driver it might be most beneficial for them to rent a car. The train ride itself is from what I can remember about 7-8 hours.
I'd also suggest at least email the bride and calling her mother, you can always explain to her Mother that you didn't want to burden her with the stress. FB isn't really appropriate or reliable.
We all worked really hard to make it happen and you know what? EVERYONE made it in spite of some crazy obstacles! We had a blast at my cousin's beautiful wedding and I'm so glad that we all went, even though we REALLY went through some stuff to get there. Just makes me even more grateful to all my guests who are going to be traveling to my wedding -- and I hope everyone really appreciates their out of town guests -- it can be quite an adventure getting a group to a wedding!
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UGH, complicated!!! Please help!!
My cousin's wedding is next weekend in SoCal. Me, my FI, and my sister (we all live in NorCal) have RSVP'd yes. My sister is also bringing a guest (who lives in SoCal). Here WAS the plan: I am already going to be in SoCal next weekend, and FI & my sister were going to drive down together. Then we 4 would meet up (me, FI, sister and date) to go to wedding!
HOWEVER... my FI now MUST be in Utah for work the day after the wedding. Came up last minute, unavoidable. It would be a huge burden on him to travel down to SoCal then back up to NorCal in order to fly to Utah. Do you think that is an acceptable reason for him not to show up? And should I tell my cousin, the bride??
ALSO - if he doesn't go down to SoCal, my sister doesn't have a ride (she can't afford a plane ticket, especially this late in the game). So then it's like a domino effect... if my FI doesn't come, that creates 3 vacant seats -- him, my sister, and my sister's date!
And then... I would have to go all alone! Which I do not want to do!! I am not reallly close to that side of the family, etc. So then it's like FOUR vacant seats if he doesn't go and I decide not to go!
But this is like the RUDEST thing, to not show up at a wedding. What should I do???!!! Ok sorry that was so long & complicated but I'm really worried