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Oh no! I'm so sorry that it has been so much drama for you. I hope that you and your mom can figure things out because you don't want to mess up the relationship with her over this!
I'm probably going to end up giving in, for diplomacy's sake. But I know I'll resent her about it for a long, long time.
This exact problem happened to me and FI, except it was his mother with the 12 extra guests (6 couples). Her reasoning was EXACTLY the same (she'd been invited to their kids' bar mitzvahs, weddings, etc) and our response was also that we wanted an intimate wedding. She was very upset that we didn't want to invite them, but acknowledged that is was up to us. In the end, we told her she could invite them all (she offered to pay their way).
While I know from experiences how ridiculously frustrating this is (I've never even met any of them, and FI has only met a few), I think sometimes it's worth compromising. Now if she's making demands everywhere, that's one thing. But if she has a few requests and this is one of them, why not?
How intimate is your wedding? I agree that her guests don't belong at a party of 20ppl. But if it's 50+, I think adding 10 more won't make a difference. You don't have to and she shouldn't demand it, but I think it's a nice thing to do.
Hang in there and I hope you can figure this out!
Thanks for the advice!
Hell, more guests = more presents, right? JK 
Seriously, that's exactly how I consoled myself - FI told me they gifted him well at his bar mitzvah, so at least I'll get some stuff :)
You know- even if your mom is relentless about it, just keep sticking to your vision! Just tell her this is how it is, mother dearest. You tried to comprimise by b-listing those poeple, but honestly- you don't want to do that. Like you said, intimate wedding- you don't want stranger. That defeats the purpose. Just kepe standing your ground, or refuse to talk to her about the situation further. She will eventually accept it, even if it is AFTER the wedding haha.
My FMIL wants to invite friends too- but I am avidly avoiding conversations about it, because there is just no room in our venue. I don't understadn why parents think they have a right to invite their friends (ESP if the couple doesn't know them) to their childrens' weddings. It just. makes. no. sense. FMIL said "she'll kill me if she's not invited!" And I was thinking "she will get over it because it's OUR wedding, and we make the rules."
obviously. I'm sorrry about the situation though. Please don't give in to her. Do things they way you want to- you may not be able to get her to stop bugging you about it, sounds like you've tried and she is not letting up. I would honeslty, tell her like it is one more time and say that you will not discuss it further. The ignore her comments. That will be hard to do, but it might be worth is to save your sanity, and get what you want... which is fine because this is really all about what you want.
Gooood luck!
don't feel bad, this is the place to come! sorry that tempers flared and that you're not feeling heard or respected. it can be so hard to maintain your vision while letting others feel involved in the planning and the event.
@danadelphia - Ugh sorry to hear about the family drama, I know that can get irrationally touchy! The original numbers for my wedding was kind of a logistical nightmare at first. We wanted the # of guests to be 150 or under but my parents’ community is very important to them and also my dad is one of 11 --yes, eleven-- children! Also, my situation is a little different because my parents were paying for the bulk of the wedding so I had to concede on these issues. Suffice it to say, we ended up inviting quite a few distant family members and friends of the parents we don’t know all that well.
BUT, what totally took me by surprise the day of our wedding was the overwhelming love, support and acceptance you can feel from even those people who might not be a part of your every day life. You expect these feelings from your friends, but to get them from who you would otherwise consider a stranger is a pretty awesome feeling. I know this makes me sound so unforgivably cheesy but a wedding is truly such a once in a lifetime experience…if you show all these people enough kindness to invite them and make them feel welcome, the love and generosity you can get in return is amazing. Good luck.
I am also having the same type of issue with my Mom. My FI and I are planning a smaller wedding (2000 miles away from where 95% of the people will be traveling from) and we want to keep it small -- just some close family and friends. My Mom has been insisting that we need to invite all of her family and close friends as well, even though I have personally never met most of them. Since my FI and I are paying for this Wedding, and the whole goal is to not have a bunch of strangers staring at us, I've told my mom the matter is closed.
Now, when we have our follow-up party a month later in our hometown, I've told my Mom she can invite whomever she wants. Of course she doesn't like that idea because she doesn't feel that people will want to celebrate with us if they aren't invited to the Wedding. My answer to her was "that's their loss".
Anyway, my advice to you is stick strong to your plan. As soon as you start giving in, it just leaves more room for your "vision" to be reconfigured.
Relax and leave it aside... We had 300 guests on our wedding and i hardly knew anyone of them. What kept me alive was that I had the man who i was getting married to beside me and anyone else around me were out of focus.
@danadelphia and @manicotti I am in pretty much the same boat. I am not willing to compromise on this particular issue. Although it is a wedding, me and fi are paying a lot of money for what will make us happiest - number one being that it stays an intimate celebration filled with the ones we love most, not strangers. We don't care about missing out on extra gifts, and don't think our parents should feel like they can take it upon themselves to insist on inviting people to our intimate celebration. You wouldn't do that in any other party scenario, so I'm not sure why people think it's ok for weddings to act that way. My mother is actually now telling me she is ashamed to talk to so-and-so because they're not invited to our wedding. Even though I was not invited to these people's wedding anyway! So yeah, I don't think there is anything wrong with you putting your foot down here and saying that it is your party and your money and this is important to you. It's sad that there has to be a struggle at all but I don't think you are the one in the wrong whatsoever. She should be supportive of your vision and do her best to help you achieve that vision, not fight you on it. She should understand that you have enough stress with planning a wedding in the first place without trying to make everyone else happy. And I think yellow is a lovely color.
I actually think that if you are having a 50 or fewer wedding, stick to your guns. With that few people, 10 people will have a real impact on the feel of the event. If you are more like 100, probably compromise. If inbetween, I would compromise with a written in blood statement from your mom that if she says one more critical things about your wedding, you will teach your children to call her something horrible and old sounding (pick your phrase) (also insert threat if kids don't apply).
If my parents didn't live 3000 miles away, I would hug the $h!t out of them. The Cleavers (my parents) are paying for my secular, non-traditional, LGBT affirming event without a peep. They were even timid when they asked IF I was inviting just one friend of theirs whom I really like. Love. Them. I am so freakin' lucky.
Don't give in, this is YOUR wedding and YOUR vision!! 10 extra guests is a lot when your having an intimate wedding, and you'll look back at your pics and always resent your mom for them being there. She'll get over it, and I bet her friends will understand
Dana I've got some Momma drama myself, I think we should chat sometime :) If you are paying for the wedding and you wanted it small guest list me-toos are not acceptable even if it is your Mom's friends. But I also understand wanted your Mom to be happy so just break it to her gently...be strong! Whatever happens in the end it won't matter prob but some moms need to learn to let go.
so sorry you're in this situation. i'm in the exact same position except both our families are expecting 30+ each. my fiance and i inviting 18 each. =/
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I hate coming to message boards to complain, but my mother really pissed me off today.
I think I posted about this way back when I first joined, but as a reminder, the boy and I want to have a very intimate wedding, but my mother is insisting that we invite five of her girlfriends and their S.O.'s. Out the of the five, we barely know three of them, and we have never met two of them.
My mom has volunteered to pay for those ten guests, but that's not really point. The point is that we don't want strangers at our wedding. We're having a small wedding because we want one, and we want to be surrounded by people we love, not by people we barely know.
My mom has been relentless about this. She says that she was invited to all of their kids' stuff, so she has to invite them to mine. I think that is, pardon my French, total bullshit. I'm not even inviting everyone whose wedding I've been to! A few weeks ago, we were out with one of my bridesmaids and my mom confronted her and asked her what she thought. My bridesmaid sided with my mom (which REALLY pissed me off. Even if she secretly agreed with my mom, she should've backed me up, I think). I was really pissed off at my mom for bringing my friend into the family drama.
And then today, on the phone, she brought it up again. I told her that I might be willing to put her friends on the B-list, so that if ten of our guests didn't come, then her friends could come. Well, that wasn't good enough for her. She said that I didn't respect her and that I was hurting her. I shot back that she didn't respect me or the boy and our wishes for an intimate wedding and that she was hurting ME by causing drama in what was otherwise pretty much a drama-free wedding. We eventually managed to kind of let it go for now, but it's not over.
But then, her next words were "Your sister says that you're considering yellow bridesmaid dresses. I think that's a terrible idea because yellow doesn't go with everyone's skin tone."
And by that point I was so pissed off that I just said that I hadn't decided on anything for sure yet, and if I did decide to go with yellow, I knew that my friends would be nice enough to wear it without complaining, and that it was none of her business anyway. I'm not going to make my bridesmaids look ugly. I wouldn't do that. But my mother shouldn't have a thing to say about it. I am 34 years old and the boy and I are planning our wedding completely on our own, and if we DO end up letting my mom invite her guests and she does pay for them, that's the ONLY money she'd be contributing.
I'm so annoyed. And I'm disappointed in myself for complaining on a message board, but I'm snowed in and have noplace else to bitch!