Post # 1
I am a regular poster but my future sister in law is also a member of the hive and I don’t want her to see this, so I am posting under a private name.
I was wondering if anyone is having a really hard time with the name change. I am absolutely dreading it. I want to be Mrs. Fiance, I want to have the same last name as my future husband but I don’t want to take his family name. His family hasn’t been the most welcoming family in the world and after several years of being with him I still don’t feel accepted and I honestly feel like I never will feel accepted by them. Another reason why I don’t want to change my last name is because I love my family with everything I have. They mean the world to me. I feel like changing my name is abandoning them and joining this new family who doesn’t even really want me in it.
I offered my last name to FI and he said that is not an option. I also mentioned both of us changing our last name to something new. Both of our last names are quite difficult and we can choose something simplier. He shot that down too.
Post # 3
Why don’t you keep your last name for a few months or year after you marry and re-evaluate after that amount of time? Maybe your feelings will change once you’re married.
Post # 4
@MyLastName: You need to stand up for yourself. If you don’t want to change your name then don’t change it. It’s an extremely personal decision and no one can truly understand your feelings. Only you can.
I had a hard time thinking about changing my name, too. I love my last name, I love the idea of having the same last name as my husband, but I didn’t want to change it. And he didn’t want to change his either.
The people who will give you a hard time need to understand – when people give me a hard time or make a comment, I say to them “imagine if YOU had to change your name. Not as easy as you think, huh?”. I think it is so unfair for people to make such judgements. You need to understand that these feelings are not wrong. They are wrong for being so judgemental about it.
Do what you want to do. People may not get used to it at first, but give it time. It won’t be a big deal later on.
Post # 4
@redheadem: That is a fantastic idea. Thank you!
Post # 5
@MyLastName: That’s what I’m going to do because I don’t like FI’s last name, but who knows what I’ll feel like after the wedding. There’s no time limit!
Post # 6
My friend’s mom kept her name and only uses her husband’s name when they are announced at events so that they can be called together. I kind of like that idea. Im considering hyphenating myself.
Post # 7
I agree. Although I am not changing my name I do get past the awkward conversations by saying ‘not at the moment’ to any ‘why not?’ answers that are really no one’s business. You don’t have to end up changing it but there’s certainly no rule that says you have to go do it immediately, especially if you’re still considering against it. Take your time!
Post # 8
Just remember that your feelings about changing your name are just as valid as your FI’s about not changing HIS name! I agree with PPs – take your time, and if you find yourself wishing you had his last name, you can always change it then.
(FWIW, i kept my name and have been very happy with that decision. The most important thing is that you not let anyone pressure you into making the decision.)
Post # 9
@mightywombat: it’s amazing how many people would love to corner you into that decision, isn’t it? I like your point in that your FH needs to realize that your feelings are every bit as real as his feelings towards changing his own last name. Besides social expectations, there is little difference. Maybe it will help him understand better if you bring it up in those terms.
Post # 10
I know. I am not changing my last name and FH will not leave it alone. I asked him to change his and he said no I am supposed to change it. That is not happening. No way, no how. I am not his property. I am not super happy with the whole situation as I like my last name.
Post # 11
Does your FI care if you don’t change your name? I saw that he did not want to take yours or a new name – but does he care if you each keep your own name?
Post # 12
Lots of people don’t change their name! If you don’t want to change it, then definitely don’t. No big deal (unless its a big deal for your fiance?).
I’m adding my fiance’s name to my name because I love it and I want us to have the same last name but I’m keeping my last name as well. I love my last name too – its really unique. There is no one in the states (or probably Europe at this point) that has my name and is not related to me. So I wouldn’t give it up. I understand where you’re coming from 🙂
Post # 13
I am not legally changing my name and have continued to go by my maiden name at work. Socially, if I get Mrs. DH, I don’t correct people and I’m sure when we have kids, I will get Mrs. DH and that’s fine. We didn’t even make a big announcement to his family that I wasn’t or anything.
I kind of feel like if you don’t change it, but also don’t make a big deal out of it, no one else will either.