So I’ve been thinking about this and I’ve come to a very depressing point. The truth is that I feel like there is an emotional void in our marriage and it has been growing since the day we married. I thought back over the past few months and I feel more clear about why I’m not into sex with DH anymore. We fought pretty much constantly during the first month or two. It felt like I wasn’t supposed to be here. Everything was “his” and not “ours”. He would dismiss my opinions and input about home/marriage/life decisions (he was very condescending). He doesn’t set boundaries between our marriage and his family (particulalry his siblings), so there isn’t much privacy. We don’t fight as frequently now, but the damage is there and still hasn’t been inspected. I feel like our foundation is failing.
Thanks for the intput ladies. I’ve tried to answer all of you below.
Do you find your SO sexually attractive?Or, more basic, do you feel he is attractive, period?: Not really. He doesn’t really put any affort into how he looks anymore. He never cuts his hair and sometimes doesn’t shave for several days. He knows that I don’t like it when he isn’t clean-cut, but he doesn’t care now I guess. He wears a shirt for 3-4 days. Even if it’s clean, it’s always wrinkled.
Did you have sex with him before marriage? Yes. He used to be giving sexually, but after we married, sex became about him. I’ve spoken to him about this, brought it up in counseling and also taught him what I like. He is still so focused on getting what he wants that he tries to rush my pleasure, which ends in him being too rough or not even doing what I told him that I liked.
Do you find him emotionally attractive? No. I’m so exhausted of trying to make him see me as worthy anymore. He doesn’t know how to tend to me emotionally and isn’t interested in learning how.
Is there anyone in your life that you do find sexually/emotionally attractive? In terms of my real life, not really, but I haven’t really been looking for that. I also don’t have contact with many men on a day-to-day basis. I am secure in my sexuality though. Men are definitely my preference.
When I fantasize, I focus most on emotional support. I think about spending quality time with and making love to a man who loves me. This man is generally “faceless” (a conglomeration of features that I generally find attractive in men) or a public figure who I find physically appealing. I seek other things to fill the emotional void, or try not to acknowledge the void in the first place. I read and hang out on the internet to fill my time when he is home. I fantasize about a celebrity for sexual satisfaction and as of late, I will sleep to avoid having to interact with DH for most of the day while his off work.
@Sweetie Pie 21:It has become a chore. As I mentioned above, sex is about him. It’s hard to stay excited when you realize that your only option for intimacy doesn’t give a crap about whether or not you enjoy the act.
@Sunshine09:I think that DH’s character may actually be part of the problem.
I may just be feeling crappy because we’re fighting again, but I’m really tired of all of this. Between the way things went starting out, having to deal with his nosy arse siblings and him not giving any attention to his appearance, I just don’t want to attempt anymore. I feel like he didn’t just burn the candle at both ends. He threw it into the fireplace.