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I am RIGHT there with you and am curious to see how others have handled this. Really, all we'd be registering for is upgrades to things we already own!
Until fairly recently, registries were set up by families who were in the upper echelon, so no one I know ever registered when they got married. :) Most women in my generation received gifts from their close friends and family, and they were usually towels, sheets, slow cookers, bed pillows, blankets, toasters, hand mixers...nothing really fancy like china,crystal and silver (tho some did, but it was limited to your Mom or Grandmother and Aunts if anyone bought them at all).
Our Moms kept a running list of things we would need, and people would usually call her and 'take' one of the items so there were very few duplicates. It worked out fine!
I am only registering for a small amount of things, there are some things we could use so it will be a short list, maybe 15 items or so...
So you don't want to receive any gifts at your wedding or shower? If this is really true, you need to absolutely out your foot down and tell your bridal party not to throw you a shower. They can have an engagement party instead. Do you expect people go buy you anything for the wedding or just show up sans gift?
The problem is that it can be very stressful to attend a wedding/shower and not know what to bring as a gift. I know I don't like asking for things, but I hate even more trying to buy stuff fof other people when I don't know what they want.
You don't have to register for high end gifts. There are lots of people who register for everyday items like towels, potholders, spatulas, etc.
If they insist on throwing a shower, maybe request that guests bring a favorite recipe, bottle of wine, or a note with advice on it in lieu of a gift (these are just examples, pick something that appeals to you). Don't register if you don't want to.
@kerensa: Right, but my point is I don't need spatulas, or towels, or any of those things so why should I register for them?
To clarify, I don't mind receiving gifts from people, but to me, it shouldn't be the focus. In my area, what is common is people receive gifts for their showers, and money for their weddings. If people choose to give us gifts or not, I believe it is their own prerogative, but I don't want to explicitly ask for things I know I don't need. If people should come sans gifts, then that is fine as well. My attitude is if they feel compelled that they simply cannot go to a shower without bringing something, then I'd rather they get something for me (as opposed to a common household item) or money so I could put it towards things that would be upgrades of what I already have. My shower invite list should be intimate enough that everyone who would potentially attend knows me fairly well so I can't imagine people truly feeling all that stressed as to what they should bring, if they feel the need.
Ok..I was totally against registering also. Here is what changed my mind. Some people are going to buy you something regardless of whether you register or not. Woudln't you like to have some say/control in what they get you or at least give them an idea of what to get you rather than have it be some random thing that you are then stuck with. That is the only reason I am registering at all. Even though I don't WANT/NEED anything I don't want people getitng me randomnes either. Just MO
We gave in and registered for the same reasons quoted above -- people will buy you something regardless, so you might as well get something you'd like. Most of the items on our list were more specialty items that we didn't have or that really needed to be tossed and replaced. We only registered for enough stuff for the shower. People mainly gave us cash or gift cards for the wedding. When my mom got married for the second time, I gave her a Wine Shower -- everyone brought bottles of wine or wine gadgets. It went over really well.
If you really don't want to, then don't do it.
Since you said your stuff is hodgepodge, it might be nice to consider registering for dishes and towels so everything will match. Your home will look a little more pulled together, and it'll help satiate those who want you to do so.
FI and I are living with mismatched dishes and towels now, and I can't wait for everything to match. We're planning on donating our old stuff, or saving it for FI's younger brother to use as starter items when he moves out.
Seriously though, YOU are the bride; do what YOU want!
You could always do a very small registry with the few things you do want/need - like PP's said, people will get you gifts anyway, might as well be something you'll use.
The other thing would be to choose a favorite charity or organization to donate to instead - have them bring items for a food pantry for the shower or donate to the Red Cross or something like that.
We live in a loft so we don't really have room for gifts that we don't need so for my shower they are doing a wine theme where each person brings two bottles of wine, one for the party and one or me to take home. I'm pretty excited about filling up my wine rack :)
If you dont want to register, then dont!! This is your day. Guests may just give gift cards or cash. Guaranteed you will recieve matching towels or serving dishes anyway!!
PS Im with you, we arent registering either (my thought is that it is kind of rude)
People are going to buy you gifts, whether you want or need them or not, so you can either do the responsible thing and tell them what sort of things you actually like and could use (you can always use new towels, and if you can't right now, you put them away somewhere until the ones you have a worn out), or you put your guests in the situation of choosing for you and then wondering if they wasted their money because they had no directions.
I cannot imagine ever not needing more things in my kitchen. Pots and pans warp, electrics die, spatulas get melted, plates break. Plus, it's really nice to at least have a set of everyday dishes that match and are enough to serve 8-12 people on.
I felt much the same: uncomfortable with the focus on gifts that comes with weddings.
I also didn't want a shower and compromised on a luncheon (no presumption of gifts for a luncheon). As a surprise, everyone brought a book that they thought I would enjoy, knowing that I'm both a big reader and a librarian. It was lovely, sweet, and not expensive for anyone.
For the wedding, we held firm and did not register. Most people still brought something: cards, money, or gifts. The gifts were thoughtful and surprising and it was easy to write genuine thank you notes.
Registering is really a pretty recent phenomena. It's not mandatory! If you continue to get complaints from your Mom, you could always point that Judith Martin (THE Miss Manners) hates registries. :)
At my friends shower people were asked to help "keep the spark going after the wedding" and gift the bride date night gifts. It was cute, some people brought games and wine, giftcards to movie theaters, restaurants, comedy clubs, one person brought a couples cookbook and a bottle of wine. I thought it was a really cute idea.
@canuba: pretty recent phenomen[on]???
Registries have been around since 1924; that's almost a century. My grandparents registered in the 40s and my parents in the 70s; my grandparents were lower middle class and my parents middle class. Until today, reading this post, I've never heard anyone say that registering was a new thing, but a few people have here. I'm confused. Seems like established practice to me.
If you don't register you're going to get a lot of weird vases and decorative things embroidered/etched/woodburned with your name and wedding date on them. Someone gave my sister a brick with her new last name on it.
Take the spatula upgrade.
@sweetcrackers: Hahaha you do make an excellent point... a brick, really?
What about gift card registries? Has anyone ever heard of something like that?
If you have a shower, you will receive gifts, and as PPs mentioned if you register at least you'll receive gifts you chose, rather than 5 ceramic roosters from Great Aunt Tilly. Gift card registries are not a good idea, because that is basically asking for money, which everyone knows is a good gift.
If you truly don't want physical household gifts, tell your bridesmaids that and suggest the wine or recipe shower. That way people will still have something physical to give you.
@brenda.m.fields: Haha, sorry, meant registries as they are used today. Selecting a china and flatwear pattern, often at a large department store or family jeweler, has definitely been around awhile as you said. My mother and grandmothers did so, too. Guests could choose one part of the set knowing that others would help complete it. I have no issue with that.
Choosing many different household, luxury, and entertainment items is a fairly new practice. Communicating it in any other way than discreetly by word-of-mouth upon request (I think guests typically knew to ask the bride's mother) is also a recent development. Registries have changed a lot, due in large part to the fact that so many couples already have complete households (either as a couple or individually).
Threadjack complete, sorry. :)
OP, do what's right for you. As a guest, I do find registries to be helpful when I don't know the couple that well. As a bride, I just didn't feel comfortable with it.
I was in this exact same boat and in fact did NOT want to have a shower specifically because I don't like the idea that the undertone to the whole thing is a gift grab. (I don't need to be showered with gifts.)
But similar to you I'm getting a lot of outside pressure to both have a shower and register for gifts.
My compromises are the following:
We're doing a bridal luncheon (avoiding the word shower) just to get friends together and celebrate.
I am going to register now. For very similar reasons as @furtureffcaptwife mentioned. I told a friend of mine I was thinking about not registering because we didn't really need anything and he mentioned he always gets a gift...he's uncomfortable giving money. He was like: if you don't register you're bound to just get something random, or two of something you don't want.
Now I'm going to register and just upgrade our old towels, and get a set of drinkware that matches. I also realized I have no serving platters. (Our house is too small to entertain in right now, but we're moving to a bigger place before the wedding!)
I agree with others that if you don't want gifts, you shouldn't have a shower. If you don't have a registry, you will get a bizarre mix of items that you can not return and will likely never use. I think it's in poor taste to have a gc shower. Just register for the items that you want and will use. I registered for new pots/pans, linens, suitcases and some crystal vases. A welcome opportunity to upgrade some items.
I know this is not going to be a popular opinion, but I feel like registeries are for couples who are just starting out and when I see couples who have everything they need, so they're registering for things like kayaks and skis, power tools and clothing, it's a total turn-off for me. If you don't want to register, don't. You may still get presents, and they may be of the bizarre variety or they may be really thoughtful presents that shows the person obviously put a lot of thought into.
I personally, am uncomfortable asking for gifts, and refuse to register. I'll be 30 and my fiance will be 37 when we get married. We're obviously not just starting out and we've lived together for 4 years already and before that we each had our own households. Of course there are things we could use, but we can buy them ourselves. My future mother in law took issue with this and said it was rude of me not to register because then guests will not know what to get me. I don't want our guests to get us anything (for the wedding- we're not doing a shower). If someone wants to get me a present so be it, they can get me "weird vases" or even bricks with our name on it. That's fine with me, and in a year I can tell all you Bees what weird gifts I got because I didn't register. ;)
p.s. The recipe and wine exchange is a fun idea for a shower.
I saw somewhere on a blog that a bride had a book shower. Guests brought a book that meant a lot to them, or a cookbook, etc. That would be a nice way to let your guests give you something and show their love towards you.
Honestly, and not to be snarky it is just what I would think as a guest at your wedding- lack of registry TO ME (doesn't need to be the truth) looks like the couple is just looking for cash... just thinking out loud if your guests would potentially think that?
I am in the same boat as you! I am 29 and my fiance is 33. We have lived together for the last 5 years and 4 years ago our house burned. Like to the ground. So, we had to get all new things after the fire. There is absolutely nothing that we use every day that needs replaced or added to our home. That being said, we have registered our honeymoon (gasp!). Our parents hated the idea at first. But, we explained that we would be taking the trip no matter what and that we would be so grateful if our near and dear would help us start out our marriage debt-free, they started to like the idea. So many couples register for duplicate items or completely random things they may use once every few years but on the flipside have a $10k AmEx bill that they can only pay the minimum balance on. I went to a wedding once and the couple had registered for "doggy stairs" so their daschound could get on the bed. REALLY?!?! We are telling all of the bridal party and our parents to encourage guests to check out our Honeyfund.com registry.
We did this. We got a lot of comments like the people above (from people who weren't coming to our wedding) who said that we were going to get a lot of things we didn't need or want and we absolutely had to register because it is just "what you do". We didn't care. We are both well in our thirties and fairly well off. I thought it was rude for us to register for things when we have absolutely no need for anything and had more materially than most of the people coming to our wedding. We only invited about 50 people to our wedding, basically very close friends and immediate family. They all knew us well enough to know that if we said we didn't want anything, we meant it. We got a few gifts of cash from our parents and grandparents to help with the honeymoon, but most everyone honored our request. And not a single toaster, weird vase or unnecessary spatula was given to us. And if anyone thought we were being rude, they didn't tell us and we of course didn't lose any friends over it. We only invited people who loved us enough to not care about such a petty thing.
Thanks to everyone who responded and shared their thoughts... After reading and considering everything, and even for a brief moment thinking I would register, I still just don't want to do it and am going to stick to my guns and not register. In truth, we don't need anything and I can't get past essentially asking for these things.
At the end of the day, I truly want the focus to not be on receiving and since my shower will be filled with mostly close friends and family, I think they will be understanding and see the event as an opportunity to celebrate with me. I love some of the ideas for subtle, simple gifts for people who feel they absolutely must bring something tangible or even sponsoring a charity that FI and I both love... I will pass them along to my wonderful party who is planning all of the details of it.
Thanks for all of your honest input.
Just saw your update. Honestly, if you do not want gifts, perhaps you should say so in the invitations. I just know that I would never ever come to a shower (which means 'shower with gifts') or wedding empty handed, and if there was no registry I would assume - at my age - the bride and groom want cash if they do not stipulate a gift/charity/otherwise.
Maybe could they do a theme shower instead so people won't be buying random gifts like a lingerie shower or a receipe shower?
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So, FI and I have lived together for a couple of years and while it would be wonderful to get new things, I don't want to register for them. In fact, when we first began planning our wedding and set a date, I was deadset on not having a shower since I know lots of times the focus is on getting gifts for the bride and groom's new home. I was overruled by my bridal party and was tipped off that they were going to surprise me if I didn't allow them to plan one and was told to embrace it so here we are and despite my feelings, I am deeply grateful to my friends.
Now, as far as registering... Although a lot of our stuff is a modge-podge of what we both brought into our household, I don't see the point of registering for "newer" versions of what we already have because since we have a smaller guest list, I think it's a bit unreasonable to register for expensive, top-end products. The problem I'm facing is that I am currently getting so much pressure from my FMIL and own mother (and a couple BMs), stating that registries are necessary, it's how I get what I want, it makes people feel like they're getting me what I really want, etc, etc, to which my response is they can tell the guests that I don't want or need anything (which, as hard as this may be to believe, I truly mean--I am always uncomfortable receiving gifts any way).
I would have thought this would be pretty simple... don't they always say "you're the bride" when it comes to what you want? I think perhaps because I haven't been very bridal crazed, maybe they think they need to overcompensate for me? Any way, if anyone has ever been to a shower where there wasn't a registry, or even gifts, or if you were in the same predicament, your insight is much appreciated!