Post # 1
So, Fiance and I have lived together for a couple of years and while it would be wonderful to get new things, I don’t want to register for them. In fact, when we first began planning our wedding and set a date, I was deadset on not having a shower since I know lots of times the focus is on getting gifts for the bride and groom’s new home. I was overruled by my bridal party and was tipped off that they were going to surprise me if I didn’t allow them to plan one and was told to embrace it so here we are and despite my feelings, I am deeply grateful to my friends.
Now, as far as registering… Although a lot of our stuff is a modge-podge of what we both brought into our household, I don’t see the point of registering for “newer” versions of what we already have because since we have a smaller guest list, I think it’s a bit unreasonable to register for expensive, top-end products. The problem I’m facing is that I am currently getting so much pressure from my Future Mother-In-Law and own mother (and a couple BMs), stating that registries are necessary, it’s how I get what I want, it makes people feel like they’re getting me what I really want, etc, etc, to which my response is they can tell the guests that I don’t want or need anything (which, as hard as this may be to believe, I truly mean–I am always uncomfortable receiving gifts any way).
I would have thought this would be pretty simple… don’t they always say “you’re the bride” when it comes to what you want? I think perhaps because I haven’t been very bridal crazed, maybe they think they need to overcompensate for me? Any way, if anyone has ever been to a shower where there wasn’t a registry, or even gifts, or if you were in the same predicament, your insight is much appreciated!
Post # 3
I am RIGHT there with you and am curious to see how others have handled this. Really, all we’d be registering for is upgrades to things we already own!
Post # 4
Until fairly recently, registries were set up by families who were in the upper echelon, so no one I know ever registered when they got married. 🙂 Most women in my generation received gifts from their close friends and family, and they were usually towels, sheets, slow cookers, bed pillows, blankets, toasters, hand mixers…nothing really fancy like china,crystal and silver (tho some did, but it was limited to your Mom or Grandmother and Aunts if anyone bought them at all).
Our Moms kept a running list of things we would need, and people would usually call her and ‘take’ one of the items so there were very few duplicates. It worked out fine!
Post # 5
I am only registering for a small amount of things, there are some things we could use so it will be a short list, maybe 15 items or so…
Post # 6
So you don’t want to receive any gifts at your wedding or shower? If this is really true, you need to absolutely out your foot down and tell your bridal party not to throw you a shower. They can have an engagement party instead. Do you expect people go buy you anything for the wedding or just show up sans gift?
The problem is that it can be very stressful to attend a wedding/shower and not know what to bring as a gift. I know I don’t like asking for things, but I hate even more trying to buy stuff fof other people when I don’t know what they want.
You don’t have to register for high end gifts. There are lots of people who register for everyday items like towels, potholders, spatulas, etc.
Post # 7
If they insist on throwing a shower, maybe request that guests bring a favorite recipe, bottle of wine, or a note with advice on it in lieu of a gift (these are just examples, pick something that appeals to you). Don’t register if you don’t want to.
Post # 8
@kerensa: Right, but my point is I don’t need spatulas, or towels, or any of those things so why should I register for them?
To clarify, I don’t mind receiving gifts from people, but to me, it shouldn’t be the focus. In my area, what is common is people receive gifts for their showers, and money for their weddings. If people choose to give us gifts or not, I believe it is their own prerogative, but I don’t want to explicitly ask for things I know I don’t need. If people should come sans gifts, then that is fine as well. My attitude is if they feel compelled that they simply cannot go to a shower without bringing something, then I’d rather they get something for me (as opposed to a common household item) or money so I could put it towards things that would be upgrades of what I already have. My shower invite list should be intimate enough that everyone who would potentially attend knows me fairly well so I can’t imagine people truly feeling all that stressed as to what they should bring, if they feel the need.
Post # 9
Ok..I was totally against registering also. Here is what changed my mind. Some people are going to buy you something regardless of whether you register or not. Woudln’t you like to have some say/control in what they get you or at least give them an idea of what to get you rather than have it be some random thing that you are then stuck with. That is the only reason I am registering at all. Even though I don’t WANT/NEED anything I don’t want people getitng me randomnes either. Just MO
Post # 10
We gave in and registered for the same reasons quoted above — people will buy you something regardless, so you might as well get something you’d like. Most of the items on our list were more specialty items that we didn’t have or that really needed to be tossed and replaced. We only registered for enough stuff for the shower. People mainly gave us cash or gift cards for the wedding. When my mom got married for the second time, I gave her a Wine Shower — everyone brought bottles of wine or wine gadgets. It went over really well.
Post # 11
If you really don’t want to, then don’t do it.
Since you said your stuff is hodgepodge, it might be nice to consider registering for dishes and towels so everything will match. Your home will look a little more pulled together, and it’ll help satiate those who want you to do so.
Fiance and I are living with mismatched dishes and towels now, and I can’t wait for everything to match. We’re planning on donating our old stuff, or saving it for FI’s younger brother to use as starter items when he moves out.
Seriously though, YOU are the bride; do what YOU want!
Post # 12
You could always do a very small registry with the few things you do want/need – like PP’s said, people will get you gifts anyway, might as well be something you’ll use.
The other thing would be to choose a favorite charity or organization to donate to instead – have them bring items for a food pantry for the shower or donate to the Red Cross or something like that.
Post # 13
We live in a loft so we don’t really have room for gifts that we don’t need so for my shower they are doing a wine theme where each person brings two bottles of wine, one for the party and one or me to take home. I’m pretty excited about filling up my wine rack 🙂
Post # 14
If you dont want to register, then dont!! This is your day. Guests may just give gift cards or cash. Guaranteed you will recieve matching towels or serving dishes anyway!!
PS Im with you, we arent registering either (my thought is that it is kind of rude)
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
People are going to buy you gifts, whether you want or need them or not, so you can either do the responsible thing and tell them what sort of things you actually like and could use (you can always use new towels, and if you can’t right now, you put them away somewhere until the ones you have a worn out), or you put your guests in the situation of choosing for you and then wondering if they wasted their money because they had no directions.
I cannot imagine ever not needing more things in my kitchen. Pots and pans warp, electrics die, spatulas get melted, plates break. Plus, it’s really nice to at least have a set of everyday dishes that match and are enough to serve 8-12 people on.
Post # 16
I felt much the same: uncomfortable with the focus on gifts that comes with weddings.
I also didn’t want a shower and compromised on a luncheon (no presumption of gifts for a luncheon). As a surprise, everyone brought a book that they thought I would enjoy, knowing that I’m both a big reader and a librarian. It was lovely, sweet, and not expensive for anyone.
For the wedding, we held firm and did not register. Most people still brought something: cards, money, or gifts. The gifts were thoughtful and surprising and it was easy to write genuine thank you notes.
Registering is really a pretty recent phenomena. It’s not mandatory! If you continue to get complaints from your Mom, you could always point that Judith Martin (THE Miss Manners) hates registries. 🙂