Post # 1
I was raised to live well within my means. I am a saver, not a spender and am very responsible with my money. I feel most weddings are very, very over the top and it’s just not worth it. A wedding is merely the celebration of your marriage, and it is not the end all be all. To be honest I’m not excited for my wedding at all, my excitement stems from the marriage I will have after that day ends. I am thrilled that I get to spend my life with such a wonderful man.
If I’m going to survive the wedding (eloping has crossed my mind MANY times in the planning process) I want a SIMPLE wedding, a quick ceremony with good food and laughter. I do not want an over the top, excessive style wedding. These may fit some people, but not my fiance and I. Regardless of the fact that my fiance shares my beliefs, his parents are very “showy”. They act like the wedding shows your worth and although we’ve discussed what we want with them numerous times, it doesn’t really sink in. We want a small-ish wedding (we both have huge families) and are trying to limit our guest list to 120, the capacity for the barn venue that we love. After multiple talks and difficult discussions about the guest list, the future in laws have offered to pay for a tent to expand our guest list. This is NOT what we want. Not only do we want to keep the wedding smaller, but we don’t want another contributor who will feel they get a say in exactly how we organize our wedding day. Maybe this sounds selfish, but I don’t want to accept money and hand over control for planning to someone who sees the vision of the wedding completely different from what we would like. How do we say “sorry, we don’t want your money because we know it will only create more problems in planning”, in a nice way?
Post # 3
Welcome to weddingbee 🙂 I don’t think you need to give a reason. I’d just say something like “It is incredibly generous of you to offer and we so appreciate the gesture, but it is important to us to pay for the wedding ourselves.”
Post # 4
This sounds just like a problem a friend of mine is having, it sucks that family members think weddings are about them and not the two people getting married.
This is tough because once the offer is made, even if you don’t take it, then you’ll still keep hearing ‘but we offered to help’–which is going to be even more irritating because then they clearly aren’t getting the point that what they want isn’t important to what you and your FI want.
I told my FMIL that my FI and I made or guest list TOGETHER and that WE are happy with it the way it is and that WE are not considering anybody else’s ideas or wants because the most imporant thing is that WE are getting married and that WE have the wedding that WE want. *note, she didn’t even offer to help pay
Try to not make it about money when you talk to them. Make it about the fact that you and your FI have done the guest list according to the type of wedding you want. That you appreciate the offer, but you don’t need the money or the tent because your and your FI decided on the list together and are happy with having the wedding of your dreams with a smaller guest list where you can enjoy the time with each of your guests and take advantage of the great barn on the property. Having your FI on your side and supporting what you’re saying should also help. When my FMIL asked to add a couple people, I deferred to my FI to respond to her so she understood I wasn’t the bad guy and it really is about US.
Sorry you are dealing with this, I know it sucks.
Post # 5
I think you’re on the right track and you don’t need to say too much more. You’ve set your parameters and they should respect your decisions.
Post # 6
Oh lessons, are you my long lost sister??? FI and I are in the same boat! What I wouldn’t give to elope–TOMORROW?! Thankfully, our parents aren’t pushing the envelope with either of us, so things aren’t terrible here, but I definatley know what you are going through. FI and I created our guest list—98 was the first one, and that was strictly family, there was not ONE person on that list that wasn’t in the immediate family. We handed our list over to each of our parents and gave them the option of adding 20 people each, and I cringed, because I really, really didn’t want 150 people at my wedding, especially if our parents were going to end up adding people that I had never met before. His mom initially wanted to invite her entire church–um, no thank you, FI isn’t even a member there! Our final guest list is 119. Both sides have offered $$$ in considerable amounts, but I just skirt the issue, I don’t even address them. FI and I are planning a wedding that we can comfortably afford, and one that we want…my parents have made it clear that they will be making a considerable contribution, if not before, then on the day of the wedding…fine…but I’m not seeking any money from anyone. You couldn’t have said it any better–this celebration is about the two of us starting our lives together, not who can decorate their hall the best, or spend the most money on flowers, or whose dress cost the most money! It’s such an incredible waste IMO.