Post # 1
About a week ago, I was contemplating ending my 1.5 year engagement to the man I thought I would spend forever with. I posted a board on here.. And mostly everyone’s answers were the same.. End it now instead of divorcing later. Well I did. It was ugly, and hurtful.
My fiancé who I thought would be my husband freaked out and said the most hurtful things I’ve ever heard. But yesterday he texted me saying how I broke his heart.. Ruined his life.. His heart will never be the same.. He doesn’t know how he could go on.
brief explination of why I no longer wanted to be with him: we were 18 and 19 when we got engaged. This past September I moved in with his parents and him To “save money”. everything was going well until about February. I had no space. We had to do everything and anything with his parents and sister and her husband. It got to the point when my fiancé no longer wanted to even go visit my parents or family. Everything revolved around being with his family. i brought up getting an apartment and his response was always “no, I’m being smart and saving money and you want to throw it into an apartment, if you don’t want to live here so badly then go back home”. After hearing that 10+ times.. I finally went home. He told me that if were engaged we shouldn’t be not living together therefore give me your ring back it’s over. He took it back.. I went home. His mother is EXTREMELY over protective and pays for everything he has. She babies him.. He’s 20 years old. He bought a motorcycle a month ago, but would complain everytime I wanted to discuss wedding budgets.
Its been almost a week since this process started. Him and his family have texted me that they are hurt and torn apart and they are completely broken over this. They are playing the victim card. Well what about me? I haven’t stopped crying in a week and I literally have no tears left. I’m depressed and heart broken.
When you have a fiancé, aren’t you supposed to try and give them everything and anything for their ultimate happiness? I felt like he was so into himself, but now they’re putting the guilt factor on me.
Im starting to feel like I should try and smooth things over and work things out, but I cannot stand how his mother is so controlling over his life. I know it will be like that forever, and I don’t want that life. I just love him so much, it hurts me.
How does one cope with this? Do you think I did the right thing?
Post # 2
Tough spot to be in, for sure. Saving money is great, but not if the way he is going about saving is putting so much stress on your relationship. Your ultimate happiness should absolutely be one of his top priorities, but it sounds like, somewhere along the line, communication broke down and he got a bit selfish. You don’t have to live together when you’re engaged, so taking the ring back was a pretty harsh thing to do. It’s really him who broke off the engagement, if you think about it.
I’m going to say what a lot of other bees might be thinking: you are really young to be engaged and planning your life with someone. I’m not saying it can’t work for people who get married really young, but there is a whole lot you have to learn about yourself still – you’re just getting started as an adult and have so much living and experiencing to do. I have friends who got married in their mid-20s, straight out of university. Several of them are now talking separation and divorce. The friends I have who travelled, bought real estate, worked different jobs to find the right fit, etc, and THeN got serious about their love lives are the ones who are some of the happiest women I know. Again’t to each their own and I am not saying getting hitched young means a doomed relationship – not at all. But, if you already have had some glimpses into what the future will hold (controlling mother-in-law, selfish FI), then maybe some space and distance ae exactly what you need right now to regain your balance and perspective.
Good luck – I hope it all works out in the best way possible for you
Post # 3
I’ve never been in your position, but I think you absolutely did the right thing. This too shall pass, and it will get better.
Post # 4
It sounds like you were pretty miserable together & now your ex & his family are committed to making sure you’re miserable apart. IMO, yes you did the right thing. The whole lot of them sound nuts. Who wants a lifetime of that?
You will heal much faster if you can avoid contact with him & his crazy family. It’s only natural that you would be hurting right now & they’re going to exert maximum pressure on your sorest spots. They are not good people.
Can you go No Contact?
Post # 5
sassy411: it’s so hard to say I can go no contact at all.. all of my belongings are finally out of their house.. Today is the first day there has been ZERO contact between us. Were all friends on FB, so it’s hard to not see and wonder what they are saying.
Post # 6
CLEbride2015: Without knowing any of your background story it honestly sounds like you did the right thing. He does not sound anywhere near mature enough to be getting married. You’re right, marriage is about supporting eachother and doing whatever it takes to make eachother happy. Yes a lot of it is compromise and give and take and you certainly have to pick your battles at times but the direction you guys were heading did not sound healthy.
Yes saving money is great, but choosing to spend that money on a motobike instead of a home for the two of you is a huge red flag. He sounds like he wants to spend his money on toys and have his mummy look after him.
I know it’s heartbreaking and so difficult to move on from what you thought your life would be but it will get better I promise. Take care of yourself and focus on you. Don’t let his family blame you, that is completely uncalled for and they are way out of line.
Post # 7
You did the right thing IMO. Give yourself some space and avoid facebook and the like for now.
Post # 8
If you give in now they will think you are crawling back. Have him meet you at a restaurant and see what HE has to offer in terms of YOU TWO together in your own place, living your own lives without his mommies y to lean on too much. If he can’t meet you halfway, just to discuss this much (and I wouldn’t move back in with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) you’ll know your answer.
Post # 9
I guess in my mind.. I’m also very vulnerable right now. I’ve had someone next to me for the past 3 years.. And all of the sudden it’s gone. I have feelings like I won’t find anyone else.. Which ia not true I know.. But it makes me almost want to work things out. In my gut I know this won’t change. His sister and husband are around 24/7 and that’s the life we would be looking at also. This feels like a bad dream I can’t wake up from..
Post # 10
Good for you for leaving him. You have your whole life ahead of you. Stay strong. <3
Post # 11
I second what PP are saying.
Also, consider this. He’s 20 and still wants his Mommy to look after him. You know what that means? If you guys were to ever get married, you become his mommy and he expects the same from you. I’m going to guess that doesn’t sound like something you’d want!
Post # 12
You did the right thing. He needs a girl who would be happy to have her life revolve around him, his family, and his needs, and you are not that girl. I wouldn’t be that girl either. In any case, he seems like he still has a lot of growing up to do.
I would hide/delete him and his family from yout Facebook, not look at tgeir pages, and possibly take a break from Facebook. It’s so much easier to heal with space.
Focus on moving on, focus on you. Maybe that means spending a lot of time with your family and friends, maybe that means throwing yourself into work, volunteer work, internship, school, etc. And maybe it means finding a summer fling or something, there’s no shame in it, if you go into it eyes wide open it can be a lovely thing.
Post # 13
I had a similar feeling when I left my ex. and it sounds like you are feeling like I did and are mostly missing having a person with you and not actually missing your ex fiance. My only advice is DON’T GO BACK. It feels awful now but it will get easier and you won’t regret it.
Post # 14
I think you did the right thing.
I got engaged at 19, and married at 21. It was hard, and there are many hard times. But we both have to try and work at it. If it was really just you trying, then it won’t work.
If he never sees your family, how will that work when you are married and have kids? They need to see both sets of grandparents.
If they are only going to worry about how they feel, which they obviously are doing, and not worry about how you feel, then it will never work.
You will feel better eventually. The hurt will lessen. Take time for yourself. You deserve it.
Post # 15
I’d give it another chance, honestly. It sounds like you still truly love him and the issues you are having right now in the moment are the result of the circumstances you are in because of your age. As the two of you grow older and mature these issues simply won’t be such big issues IMO. I do think you should move back home in the meantime and maybe take a little break, let’s be honest many of us likely wouldn’t have made it to the alter if we had to live with our in-laws first. Try to see the bigger picture and set clear boundaries for the future should the two of you try to work it out, people can and do change.