Post # 1
I’m up a bit of a creek. As soon as news spread of my engagement, one of my FI’s friends (I’ve recently discovered that she’s just an acquiantance of his, not a friend–more on that later) got really excited about it. My friends and family gave me the usual jubilant congratulations, but she piped up with “OH MY GOD that’s amazing I can’t wait let me help with planning I used to be a pastry chef! Let me do your cake!!” Which was great at the time because I had *no* idea how to plan a wedding. I glomped on to her because she was being so helpful, and after about 2 months offered to make her my BM (I have few friends here due to recently moving and FI has 4 groomsmen–so I was looking anyways!) This was all over the phone/msn, though I had met her a few times in person and we got along okay.
About a month later she came to visit us for an extended 2-week stay (this was planned prior to the engagement, she had nowhere to stay during those 2 weeks due to downtime between classes/the dorms not being open.) And of course we were going to use the opportunity to discuss the wedding…
So the visit has come and gone and…I feel awful but…I think I might dislike her. While she stayed with us, she made the biggest mess I’ve ever seen–she took over our living room and our kitchen…left empty dishes in all sorts of surprise places…covered the range in stuck-on cheese…she even left a full trash bag next to the couch because she was too lazy to walk across the room to throw things away. It was truly atrocious. Also, whenever we were out together, she rarely spent attention to me, choosing instead to keep her face glued to her phone in full-force texting mode. She would take calls in nice restaurants when FI and I took her out and talk very loudly, even when we would ask her to keep her voice down. But the mess or the rudeness wasn’t the biggest issue…she rarely paid for anything, in spite of our agreement to split everything 50/50. She bought me a dress for my birthday ($70) and frozen yogurt a few times for everybody ($50, being generous)…while we easily spent $50/day entertaining her. It was always “I’ll get the next one”…but the checkbook never came out.
So…I tried my best…but I really think that I dislike her…even though she’s been so helpful with wedding-related matters.
Bees, I’m really stressing about this. I’ve already extended her an invitation, and when it comes to wedding stuff, she’s been helpful. It would be incredibly rude to de-BM her. But she’s cost FI and I over $600 and left us with a terrible taste in our mouths and a mess in our apartment. That’s pretty rude too. And when it comes down to it, I really don’t want her around on my special day. To make matters worse, she wants us to pay for her flight out to the wedding *and* let her stay for another 2 weeks before the big day.
I wish I wouldn’t have acted so hastily in selecting a BM. Please help bees…even though I’m probably coming off as a spoiled little brat.
Post # 3
Tell her you can’t afford to pay for her flight and she can’t stay with you because you will be too stressed or some sort of other excuse. Don’t ask her to step down but maybe she wont be able to afford her ticket and thus stepping down herself. Just say no and stick to your guns.
Post # 4
You have kind of gotten yourself into a bad situation by extending the invitation and not knowing her all that well, but when it comes down to it, you don’t want to regret who you have next to you on your wedding day. I voted that you should not have her as a bridesmaid. I would keep her invovled in some way (e.g., guest book attendant, greeter, etc.) because she has been so helpful to you in wedding planning. Good luck!!
Post # 5
Hoo boy. As someone who is fairly fussy about my space, and conscious of my wallet, I can see why that visit left such a bad taste in your mouth! But I think people can be good and loyal friends while still being lousy houseguests (although her strategy for avoiding picking up the check is not something a conscientious friend should do). On the flip side, though, demanding that you pay for her flight is pretty presumptuous.
Since she has been helpful with wedding stuff, I wouldn’t dump her as a bridesmaid just yet. Instead, tell her that paying for her flight and letting her crash with you guys is not an option — you can’t afford it, and you don’t want a houseguest for a long stay right before your wedding because it’s too stressful. Her response to that will tell you everything you need to know. She’ll either say “oh, I understand, I’ll make it work,” or “I won’t be your bridesmaid unless you pay for my plane ticket.” If it’s the latter, you can say “I’m sorry to lose you as a bridesmaid” with a clean conscience!
ETA: If you want, when you talk to her about not paying for her flight or letting her crash with you, you could say something like “by the way, I looked at our credit card bill for last month, and even though we agreed to split everything 50/50, I think FI and I ended up paying for every meal we ate out, except the frozen yogurt. Do you think you could write us a check for your share?” Right now she may be thinking that you guys didn’t notice or don’t mind, and it wouldn’t hurt to set her straight and point out that yes, you did notice her check-avoiding strategies!
Post # 6
You do not sound like a brat and I think many of us (me for one) can raise their hand when being asked “Did you make a hasty decision regarding your bridal party?”
I think MelissaB has some good suggestions for you. I also don’t think you should dump her since she has been helpful and you will need that.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t dump her, but I would not (under any circumstances) pay for her flight, and I would find someone else to stay with you around the wedding, and use that as an excuse why you can’t have her stay with you during the wedding.
Maybe that would be enough for her to step down …
Post # 8
I completely agree with MelissaB. You should not have to pay for her flight, that’s just ridiculous!
Post # 9
I agree with Melissa too. I don’t think you necessarily made a mistake, originally, by asking her. You felt you needed someone, and she was being really helpful to you. And you admit she is still being helpful.
Obviously you learned that she doesn’t make a good houseguest. Guess what? I have a friend like that too. She’s otherwise a nice friend. And it sounds like this gal is otherwise nice too. Just make sure she doesnt stay with you. And if you go out to a restaurant again, ask for separate checks.
Since she’s been a good BM so far, kicking her out, because she was a slob at your home, isn’t a super reason to kick her out. But what a perfect way to (perhaps) filter that out, by telling her that you cannot have her stay with you or pay for her flight. I’m not sure if she’s strapped for cash or she’s a moocher or cheapskate, or what. But eitehr she’ll buck up or step down. Just be careful. Make sure she orders her own dress. I’m afraid that if you buy it upfront and ask her to reimburse you, she’ll stiff you. (and if she doesn’t get the dress ordered, she can’t be in the wedding then, either.)
Post # 10
I agree with previous posters. Just let her know that you can’t pay for her flight and she can’t stay at your house for two weeks. I don’t even think you need to make up an excuse or anything, because that’s just way too much to ask of anyone, especially someone who is planning a wedding.
As for splitting the bill, etc., she probably thinks that you didn’t notice/didn’t mind. Make sure and get separate checks from now on, and don’t take catching up later as a way to get out of paying.
Post # 11
I wouldn’t dump her as she’s been and still is helpful with the wedding stuff. Whatever her manners are, her heart is still in the right place in helping you with the wedding. To me, she sounds like she’s a nice person, but still very immature. I wouldn’t pay for her flight or let her stay another two weeks. You can say that money, time and resources is really tight due to the wedding.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
Agree with the rest of the posters, it would be pretty hurtful and rude to ask her to step down as a bridesmaid but there is no reason for you to pay for her flight or have her stay with you before the wedding…Just tell her that pointe blank and maybe you’ll be off the hook if she bows out due to financial contraints…otherwise, you’ll just have to keep reminding yourself of all the help she’s given you and suck it up, cuz unfortunately, once you ask someone to be a bridesmaid, there’s really no going back unless they opt out…good luck!
Post # 13
I agree with above. I learned quite a while ago that not all my friends are good friends in every way. Sometimes you have to appreciate people for what they are. I have flaky friends who I would only call for a certain type of event (say, to go to a concert) but I would never call with a problem. And that is fine!
So this girl is weird with money and is a bad houseguest? Don’t let her stay with you (you MUST have some out of town guests in town that could be “staying with you” around the time of the wedding, no?) and ask for separate checks for things. If you feel like that will tip her off to your annoyance, good! But, if she’s being helpful with wedding stuff enjoy her for that and honor that part of her by letting her stay a BM. What’s done is done, let it go. 🙂
Post # 14
I voted no, just because you will definitely destroy the relationship you do have with her if you dump her now. I second all the advice given so far (no more handouts, at least no more than any other BM will get, and if she drops out on her own, oh well), but I’d add to keep an eye on her and her behavior/helpfulness. Especially if she still plans on being in town for a while before the wedding, make sure that she is still being an asset, not a burden. If she gets less helpful or more stressful, but she’s still a person you’d want to keep a relationship with, designate another BM to discretely “run interference” for you with the problem BM during the wedding events. I was just in a bridal party where the MOH was a major PITA that weekend, but I guess is a good friend otherwise (to the bride, I barely knew her). I just tried to make sure that her drama-queen attitude didn’t affect the bride any more than was necessary. Good luck!
Post # 15
I agree with pretty much everyone else. Don’t dump her but tell her that you can’t pay for her flight and that she can’t stay with you. If she still decides to be a bridesmaid, make sure you get her to pay for her dress and any other BM responsibilities up front!
I’m getting married on Saturday and I had cousins staying at my house all last week, they are in town for the wedding. They were WONDERFUL house guests, they cleaned up after themselves, ate dinner out most nights (they were sight-seeing and would usually grab dinner on the way home). Even though they were great and I don’t regret having them there, I simply didn’t get much wedding stuff done b/c I was socializing with them! If they had been horrible guests I would have been a total ball of stress. DO NOT let this girl stay at your house before the wedding!!!
Post # 16
Ditch her! If you don’t want her around on your big day you’ll regret having her there! You’ll spend all day being annoyed by little things she does and she’s certainly imposing on you by being at your place for 2 WEEKS before the wedding. Also, unless you actually really liked her and would be devastated if she missed the wedding, you shouldn’t be paying for her flights no matter how helpful she’s been!