Post # 1
So, despite fighting over having a small courthouse wedding over the wedding that my fiance and I want. We have decided to get married in a courthouse and later in a church wedding. It has appeased my family but personally, a part of me feels awful. Our parents would be the only ones who know about it and at first I was happy about it. However, I feel bad. I mean, I wouldn’t be legally married in the church until the next year, my entire family would not know about it (judgemental people) and I know this sounds awful and spoiled. But I want the wedding! I want to wear a white gown and have my dad walk me down the aisle and have the rings blessed! My stepdad would have been the officiant. I feel like why have a wedding if I am already married legally? I wouldn’t feel married if it wasn’t by the church. My parents approve and want me to have a courthouse with my fiance and later the second one.
But, inside I feel awful. He will be leaving soon and so it won’t be enough time to get everything together and he prefers to get married next year so he can be a bit more established. I totally agree and accept that. He wants the big wedding too.
I fear judgemental people making remarks that we are gift-grabbing (which we are NOT! We feel uncomfortable even having gifts in general) or that we want this large pageant but we are also the ones who are paying for it. I feel just terrible.
Post # 3
Don’t worry about what you think others will think, or you will never be happy. It sounds like you might have the best of both worlds here- get legally married now, and have the big wedding next year. I am sorry you feel cheated, or like you are missing out on the experience. Maybe just think of the courthouse wedding as a legality, and consider your real wedding to be the one you will plan for next year. Either way, you can find a way to make it special and feel right for you. I am sorry you are going through this.
Post # 4
If I can ask…is there a reason you have to keep it a secret? A small courthouse wedding certainly doesn’t require gifts. You are saving the hoopla for a CELEBRATION of your wedding a year later, which certainly sounds appropriate and something many churches do all the time. Plenty of people get married legally early for any number of reasons (one I know of…health insurance!) and your relatives really are in no position to judge. But I know I don’t know the whole story and it sounds like you have worked out a solution that makes most people happy and will hopefully excite you more as your wedding celebration draws closer.
Post # 5
My FI and I were married in February with just our parents and siblings present. He’s Canadian and we had to get married to start his Green Card Paperwork. The whole process takes around 8 months, so we have planned a “real” wedding at the end of September once his paperwork goes through and we can really celebrate.
My parents were the only people who thought it was strange to get married first and have a wedding 9 months later. Everyone else (family, friends, co-workers, our Rabbi, wedding vendors, complete strangers) think that it’s wonderful that we want to celebrate our marriage with all of the people who are so important in our lives. After my parents saw the outpouring of support, they have completely done a 180 on their feelings.
People who love you and support you will love and support your choice as well and will be thrilled for the chance to be a part of any happy celebration in your life. People who are judgemental are toxic and don’t deserve to be at your celebration, whenever and wherever it is.
Post # 6
The reason why it would be kept secret is because the way I feel about it is, some people would think it was a sham wedding or a gift giving thing (which it isn’t. I stated I don’t really want gifts) or like we didn’t get the wedding that we wanted so we are doing it again, which yeah is partly true but also because we didn’t get married in the church and don’t have time to have the second wedding before he ships off.
Also, part of me, despite my first reaction to it, likes the JOP wedding. At least I don’t have to deal with naggy relatives and then I get to plan the next year thing. I also kind of feel sick of having to worry about those people. Just tell them I got married the first time and to hell with it if they don’t want to come to the second.
Post # 7
I totally get you. My husband and I got married secretly so we could buy a home together, get insurance, etc. The only people who know are the officiant who will be presiding over our other wedding in a few months, my parents, and his sister and brother in law. Oh, and our real estate agent 🙂
We’re also keeping it quiet because we don’t want to seem like we’re gift grabbing, but really we wanted to have a wedding to celebrate. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Here’s what I can tell you; having a civil ceremony with the JOP is very special too. I haven’t gone through our “coming out” wedding yet so I don’t have anything to compare it to, but I imagine it will be different, but some of the same. I’ll probably cry, have a hard time speaking, and be very much in love. I’ll just be wearing a fancier dress.
AND there’s a lot of pressure off since we’re already married. It’s one less thing to worry about on the day of. And, think of it this way, you get TWO weddings! That’s pretty cool 🙂