(Closed) I feel bad, but I can’t help but feel almost insulted.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Maybe he can’t afford an engagement ring right now? To my understanding promise rings are generally significantly less $, so maybe he just wants to make the effort to show you that he does devote himself to you in the only financially feasible way he can right now?

Post # 4
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

You shouldn’t have to apologize or deny your feelings. Instead of trying to make your feelings “go away.” You are disappointed and he should understand that–not to force him into anything, but because you want to move ahead and he isn’t and that’s a problem. You might want to have a talk with your BF and discuss marriage and the future very matter-of-factly. This isn’t the sort of talk that will ruin a future proposal; its’ a necessary talk that I think every couple should have before they get engaged–a discussion about what your future will look like and what you both want in life. 

It doesn’t have to be “when are you going to marry me and when am I gonna get the ring”; it can be, “well, you gave me this promise ring; let’s talk about what you’re promising.”

Post # 5
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can see how that would definitely hurt.  I guess he just wants you to have a ring until he does get you your engagement ring, but I think you should talk to him.  It’s ok to admit you were disappointed in a non manipulative way.  You’re not giving him an ultimatum or anything.  Sorry you’re feeling this way 🙁  If it were me, I would just wear it on the right hand.  If he asks, say it’s because you don’t want other people to confuse it with an engagement ring… that makes perfect sense to me.  I always wore my promise ring on my right hand, because it’s NOT an engagement ring.

 

Post # 6
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you should have a conversation with him about marriage and where your relationship is going. Let him know that while you really appreciate the ring and it’s the thought that counts, you were expecting a little more than a promise ring after 4 years.

I also agree with europomme and wear it on your right hand. Let him know that you don’t want others to ask you if it’s an engagment ring, b/c it’s not. Then let him know how much it kills you when people ask if it is an engagement ring.

Post # 7
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I think the biggest issue you could run into is that you told him you were not disappointed. Hiding our feelings doesnt change anything, we give off a vibe–hence why he asked if you were disappointed. It could actually be a turn off for him that you said no and put up a front. Guys can tell when you arent being authentic with them. Something is just “off”….That would be the first thing to rectify. It doesnt have to be about him and what hes not doing. It needs to be about you and how you really feel. If you want to marry this guy, dont you want to be able to share your feelings with him and know hes going to be there for you? Give him the opportunity to show you that! I love JennyW1’s example about asking what exactly the promise ring is promising. I would just say something like “I feel bad…” he will probably ask why…which will lead into the conversation…and you can say something like “When you asked me last night if I was disappointed, I wasnt quite sure how I felt and felt a little scared to tell you I was….I do feel disappointed….I dont want to pressure you into anything, I want to understand where you are coming from, I want our relationship to move forward…what do you think?” and then let him talk…nothing about that blamed him! which is the key 😉

You could even go into how wearing a ring on your finger that isnt an engagement ring FEELS weird for you. (feels is also a key word) And that you dont want to hurt his feelings because you love the gesture and you feel torn…again ask what he thinks and let him talk.

On another note though, it sounds like he really is trying to show you that hes committed. Having a good open conversation would probably ease things up and make BOTH of you feel better! Hope this helps! Keep your head up!!

Post # 9
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think you are 100% justified in feeling hurt at getting a promise ring after 4 freaking years together.  I’m impressed that hurt is all you’re feeling.  I probably would’ve strangled him. I don’t understand if you both see yourselves married in the next couple of years why he’s bothering with the whole promise ring thing (I mean, really?) and not just getting you an actual engagement ring with a two year engagement? 

Something isn’t right with this whole scenerio.

Post # 10
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

Did you see the ring he ordered or did he just tell you he ordered a new promise ring?

Post # 11
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@mc77: I would like to know the answer to this as well…

Post # 12
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

@OttawaBride2011: are you thinking what I’m thinking?? don’t want to give false hope but you know…

Post # 13
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

How do you know it’s a promise ring? Did you ask for a new one for your anniversary? I would put it on my right hand and explained to him why you are not wearing it on your left hand. If he doesn’t understand or feels jaded by you wearing the ring on the right hand he is totally missing the point. I’m over here in NJ shaking my head as to why he thought you would be excited for a promise ring after 4 years? Men I tell ya.

Post # 14
Member
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@mc77:  I was thinking the saaaame thing.  Did you actually see the ring??  Maybe he is being sneaky! but am with PP that I don’t want to get your hopes up!

Post # 15
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

Does it look like an engagement ring? My promise ring looks nothing like an engagement or wedding ring. It has a flower on it and no jewels/diamonds. (and I wear it on my middle finger because it’s too big for my ring finger). Because it looks like just a ring, I’ve never gotten any questions about whether I was engaged or not.

I’m so sorry for you! I can’t even imagine what I would do. How did you open it without thinking it was a proposal?

Post # 16
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

Sorry, I mistakenly thought you’d opened it already.

I would definitely wear it on your right hand. You do not need the constant harassment from others if you wear it on your left hand. If he asks why you wear it on your right hand, tell him the truth and that you don’t want other people to think you’re engaged. I’ve received right hand rings from guys before, so I’d pretend that that’s what it is.

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