- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
It’s HIS birthday on Monday, and his mother is kind of ruining it.
DH and my dad get along awesome. DH says my dad is more of a father to him than my FIL is. I asked DH what he wanted to do for his b-day. There’s a sports show (hunting and fishing) in the town where MIL lives (about an hour away). He thought it would be great to take my dad. I thought it would be great bonding time for them so I decided to do other things in town that day and let them share the day together. MIL…not so much.
MIL: What are you guys doing the 16th? [The reason she wants to do something then is because the 18th, DH’s birthday, she and FIL leave for a vacation in Mexico]
Me: I have errands to run.
MIL: Oh…see grandma is coming to [the town where we live] and she wanted to stay at your apt.
Me: We’re going to be gone.
MIL: She was hoping she could bond with you the whole day, especially since [my DH] will be gone. Don’t you want to spend the whole day with her?
MIL: What do you mean no?
Me: I mean, no. As much as I love DH’s grandma, that isn’t my idea of a fun weekend. It has taken me forever to schedule an eye and hair appt and I’m not cancelling that just because the grandparents want to come up.
MIL: Well, that’s really going to let her down, but I’ll tell her. What about [DH]?
Me: I told you. He’s taking my dad to the sports show
MIL: Oh that will be fun! What time should I meet them there?
Me: Umm, this was something DH wanted to do for his birthday. He wanted to spend the day with my dad…
MIL: Well I can tag along with them!
So she pretty much just invited herself along. DH has a hard time saying no to his mother because she has always been really needy and DH knows FIL doesn’t do anything with her. I keep telling DH it is NOT his job to be a son AND husband to her. He cannot fill that void for her.
She called later this week, and this time spoke to DH instead of me.
MIL: So what time are you going to the sports show?
DH: I don’t know, mom. (Instead of saying he didn’t want her along)
MIL: You know, your grandma is coming to [the town where DH and I live]. She is very disappointed that no one will be there to keep her company while your grandpa is at a bull sale…they hardly get up there.
DH: Mom, it is my birthday, and I really want to go to the sports show. Megz doesn’t want to stay home to entertain grandma, and I’m not going to let FIL down just because grandma and grandpa can’t find a better day to come up here.
MIL: Well, ok then. I just don’t know when your grandparents will get back up there. Your grandma is very disappointed. Anyway, what time should I meet you for the sports show?
After that conversation DH just lost it. He doesn’t understand why his mom doesn’t realize he wants to go to the sports show for his b-day with my dad. I said, “Well, you haven’t told her that you don’t want her there. You can say no to her coming along with you and you can say it in a way that shouldn’t hurt her feelings. What are you so afraid of?” He said he didn’t know.
I said, “Here is how you tell your mom respectfully. Say: Mom, I was hoping Saturday would be a good bonding experience for my FIL and I. I still really want to see you before you leave on your trip, so how about we meet up for supper? That way, you have time to pack throughout the day and get the dog ready to take back with us?”
He refuses to say it…he thinks it will hurt his mother’s feelings. I said it only gets harder to say no, especially once you have kids so you need to start now. His mother is still going to love him just as much as she always has.
Lucky me, I have a choice to be around her that day. I asked DH if he wants me to say something to her, and he said no (because he thinks I will be my blunt self, but I promised I would say what I told him to say), but he isn’t going to do it himself. I’m wondering if I should just drop the hint to her anyway or if I should take one for the team and just tell her tag along with me so DH and my dad can have the day.
Maybe this was just a rant. I’m not sure what I expected to get out of this. I just feel bad for DH that he can’t say no and that his mom is so needy that she can’t let DH have one day to himself and my dad. DH is such a people pleaser, and in the end it hurts him more because it ruined experiences for him.
[SHORTENED VERSION] DH wanted to spend Saturday with my dad. MIL is needy. Invited herself along. DH too scared to tell her no because he’s a people pleaser and is afraid to say no. Told him to tell her he considers it a great bonding time for he and my dad and that he still wants to see her so we should meet for supper instead. He is stressing about her coming along because she is very, very clingy but doesn’t want to say no to her for fear of hurting her feelings.