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From what you have stated, you did the right thing. I wouldn't trust him either. He has good intensions, but doesn't follow through. It would seem that he has some growing up to do and has to learn how to bail himself out of his messes, instead of having somone else (you) do it for him.
I think the biggest issue might be where is that money going? And personally I COULDNT marry someone who lies about money and or doesnt pay bills on time. I was brought up that you pay bills before you do ANYTHING with paychecks/ money
Whoa, this is a major situation. I think he needs to see a financial advisor and a therapist about why he isn't telling you the truth. There are low cost, if not free, financial advisors out there. If you aren't able to commit to him 100% and take the bad with the good, then well you know what you should do. If he's not able to tell you the truth, then he's not giving himself 100%. It's hurts and it sucks, but it's both decisions. I'm so sorry.
Good luck
~EDIT~
I suppose I should clarify that his employer did not have hours available to him for a few months, but also did not allow him to collect unemployment. So I knew he didn't have much money coming in (which is why I constantly checked on bills being paid) but thought he had been figuring it out somehow. He is working full time again for now.
Oh hun I'm so sorry you're going through this! I can only imagine how devastating it would be to learn that your FI has been lying to you about this. I'm wondering if you've had a talk with him about WHERE the money is going. Does he have a job? Loans? Credit card debt? Or is he just spending money frivilously? Either way, he should have talked to you before you recieved an eviction notice! I think you made a good decision to entertain the posibility of postponing or cancelling the wedding. You want the person you're with to make good financial decisions and it's not fair for you to have to be paying for the wedding and making sure he's paying his rent on time.
I hesitate to write anymore until I know WHY he doesn't have the money. ****Hugs*** during this difficult time.
I know this must absolutely suck, but I would call the wedding off. You can't spend the rest of your life with a man who can't even figure out how to pay the rent on time. You just can't. You won't be happy, and you'll never be able to trust him with money.
Btw, does he have a job and he's blowing the money on other expensive things rather than paying the rent? ...or are finances really tight for him for other reasons?
I think you have to walk away. Maybe if he can pull himself together in the future with the help of some therapy and financial advising, then there is hope for you guys. But I wouldn't count on it. He has already done this to you twice. Chances are, he will do it again. I'm really sorry that you're going through this!
Oh my goodness. I'd feel the same way and I think you did the right thing for sure! Canceling the wedding will not destroy you. I think it's the smartest move and also moving out for sure! You bailed him out big time once and that's huge. Honestly, for me, I couldn't marry someone ever who mistreats money like that but I agree with some of the other posters---where was the money going you gave him and such?!
He should be able to come to his Fiance about having trouble even if it hurts his pride. Given that you asked him, he could have said something.
Is he scared of disappointing you?
Wow. What a mess he's created.
I don't think I would make your wedding depend on whether or not he can get the money. It occurs to me that the biggest problem here is that he LIED to you about it for months! He can't fix that by paying the bills. (He needs to do that anyhow, as a responsible human being!)
If this was the first time he had done this, I would encourage you to work with him to resolve it, and forgive him. But this is the second time. That's a BIG deal. You might consider whether or not you can trust him at all, regardless of the money he comes up with (or not). Then, given that, I would consider if you want to marry him, knowing this about him. This would be tantamount to cheating in my book. Not once, but twice.
It's one thing if he can't get the money for rent on a regular basis, but quite another if he hides it from you, especially since it has and will continue to affect you financially. What has he been doing with your $? And why hasn't he been upfront with you regarding this problem? You need to get to teh bottom of these two issues before marrying him.
I hate to stick up for a liar, but maybe he was just embaressed. Some men really feel the need to support their wife, and maybe he felt ashamed that he wasn't able to do that so he kept it from you. He may have hoped that he could fix the problem without worrying you.
Was it right for him to do this? No. Does it mean that he did it vindictivly and will lie to you about other things, maybe not. You know him better than we do, so cool down and decide if you know the real reason he lied.
There are two issues here that I would think need to be resolved before getting married. 1 - his financial irresponsibility. You need to be able to trust that he's not going to screw up your joint finances. 2 - his lack of trust in you. Money may be tight, but if he can't talk to you about it, that's (to me) even worse. Marriage needs to be founded on mutual trust.
Honestly, in your shoes, I would not marry him without some SERIOUS counseling. Even if he commits to working on it, it seems like the issues here are more than can be fixed between now and your wedding.
@beekiss2 - He said he was afraid of disappointing me again. That after the initial eviction notice and my bailout, when he got behind on the first month he thought he'd be able to recover. However, it just started snowballing and he lost control of it. I'm a grossly independent woman (it's probably a flaw more than a good trait) so I'm afraid he thought if he admitted he was getting behind, that that weakness, would make me run out the door. Such wouldn't have been the case, I would have just paid the rent and postponed the wedding until we could have afforded it! (And if we're being completely honest here, I didn't want the "wedding", I wanted to elope or do Vegas, as I'm not such a fan of wedding crap. But he wanted to have the party to celebrate with our families and all, so I agreed.) I really do hope he is able to come up with the money and we can move forward with a giant dose of clarity, but if he doesn't I need to find the strength to stick to my ultimatum. These next few days are going to be the longest of my life, I'm afraid.
I agree that he probably WAS embarassed, but which is more embarassing? Telling your FI that w/out hours, it'll be hard for him to pay that month and will need more of a contribution? Or telling your FI that you're now 5K in debt and are being sued and your credit score went down exponentially? I think that is way more embarassing, personally. She was asking repeatedly and gave him many chances to come forward to figure out a solution, but he kept lying. That is just not trustworthy, but isn't the end of the world. It just has to be COMPLETELY resolved before they can move forward..
Oh no, how devastating. As other bees have asked, where did your half of the rent end up going? Short-paying the landlord or did you FI use toward other debts?
As hard as it is, I would at least postpone the wedding for now. There's some study out there (I can hunt down the link for you) that says entering a marriage without any assests/financial stability increases the likelihood of divorce immensely. And the fact that he fell behind again so quickly after you bailed him out in January is really troublesome! Say he does come up with the money for July, how can you be certain this won't happen again? May I ask how old the both of you are?
Having his future wife evicted from her home should be his top concern. Not his pride.
Hugs.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like this for the rest of your life.
One of the many reasons my mother and stepfather split up was money issues like this. She put money into their joint account and he took it out. It never got to the point of eviction notice but lying and monetary issues are a horrible way to start a marriage since it so often ends a marriage.
@nannettenicole - You've hit the nail on the head. His male ego was hurt, his sense of being able to take care of me (even though I've always made it clear I don't need taking care of).
There is no doubt that his lying was wrong, however I know it wasn't vindictive or malicious - it was strictly out of embarassment. This is part of the problem for me. I know he didn't hurt me intentionally and I know he feels completely horrible about the whole thing.
If he doesn't rectify this before the 1st, I will cancel the wedding and move out - but I will not end our relationship. I want it to work. I love him and he loves me. I'm just very aware that we cannot live on love alone.
This is a very difficult situation and I'm very sorry you're in it. I would say the smartest move would be to cancel the wedding for the time being and work on getting some financial and personal counseling. If this has been an ongoing problem and he's not concerned about not keeping a roof over your heads that's a major deal breaker in my mind. I don't think it will destory you at all, either you'll come out of it a stronger and smarter couple, or you'll be a stronger and smarter woman.
No way would I get married in August if I were in the same situation. Embarassed or not, he used your money the first time, refused to be honest with you for half a year, and lost you a home, all because of his pride? He needs to realize that it's okay to have problems and the first person to turn to should be his soon to be wife.
Also, what about partial unemployment? I think most states have partial unemployment benefits if you work under a certain amount of hours (assuming you are in the US). Can an employer legally keep an employee from collecting if they aren't providing hours?
@Edina - He did put my half to the rent, so the portion of the rent that is past due, is his portion solely. We're 34 and 41, both never been married (I've, ironically, always been super independent and had a fear of commitment!) and have no children. As fas as a plan if this is resolved on time, we've both already agreed to open a joint account, have all of our money put into it and anything that comes out, for any reason, has to be agreed upon by both of us. So, I know the rent will be paid on time (and the utils) as I will be writing the checks myself. This isn't a first time LTR for either of us, and I know that he has been responsible in the past (he's been on his own for 25 years and never had this problem until the last year). I really just think he was concerned about disappointing me but didn't realize it had gotten so out of control. Ugh.
Are you sure he can't collect? My FI was able to collect partial unemployment because he was working under 30 hrs/week.
My FI and I had a similiar problem and we essentially "fixed it" by him direct-depositing his paycheck into my account, and now I handle all of the finances. Everything gets paid in full and on time, so there's no need to lie about money (and his credit has never been better!).
Three problems with this though:
Not sure if this would work in your case, but an option to think about.
@Edina - His employee situation is one where the only people in the office are he and his boss/employer. When she didn't have hours for him, he said he wanted to apply for unemployment. She said no, and he couldn't have done it behind her back, as she is informed from unemployment when someone attempts to collect. After months of him asking to do so, she finally allowed it, but then had hours again the following week. So he ended up collectiing for only a week and is now working again.
@UncertainBride: Thanks, that explains it a little better. Maybe he's not good at owning up to his financial troubles because they are very new to him? Like, he can't even admit what's going on to himself nevermind someone else?
@said8me - Thanks for the advice, if this is resolved this is exactly our plan. Even though I'm on unemployment myself, I was laid off from a corporate position and make more on unemployment than he does working! I have no problems with this, but I know it's a bit of pride cruncher for him. We will gladly open a joint account and finance just as you've suggested because this is the only way I can have faith that things are being done on time/correctly.
@fourpeass - You can apply if under 30 hours, however his employment situation isn't with a large corporation and he has a personal relationship with his boss in which he wasn't able to get her permission to apply. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but he is "too nice" sometimes and really does care about the people in his life, even his boss.
@Edina - Jeez, I hadn't even thought about it like that, that's an excellent point. That is quite possibly the situation. I'm going to mention that this evening when we talk next.
@UncertainBride: Good luck with the talk. It think it could be possible he's struggling with a bit of denial here. It's not like he's a 19 year old kid with no life experience living beyond his means (which my first assumption, sorry!). He's been supporting himself for 25 years! That's gotta be a tough blow.
Just throwing out a possible solution here.
More than likely you guys owe this landlord quite a bit of money. His half since February is probably a good chunk of money. You can't get out of this debt. The odds that he is going to be able to come up with that before July 1 is probably slim.
What if you cancelled the wedding and used that money to pay off this landlord and then went about a new budgeting system from taht?
@UncertainBride: I am very sorry you're going through this and I wish the best for you. Men and their friggin pride...
If I were you, I would make him run a credit report and show it to you. That way you can see what other financial obligations he is ignoring. I would be seriously worried about marring someone who isn't willing to be open with you about things like this. Maybe I'm progressive, but I don't really think that men should be hiding behing the excuse that they are too embarressed to fess up about their financial situation to the woman they are marrying. When you marry him, you take on any and all debts he has. His credit score will impact yours and so forth. It may work now for you to pay his rent and utilities, but do you know if he has a credit card or car payment that he has just been neglecting to pay as well. When you go to apply for a mortgage or an extension on your credit card after you are married, you will certainly find out then! He has to come completely clean and be totally honest with you, or you could be in for some serious financial trouble. Also, you will now be paying interest on that money you used to pay off his rent debt for years to come. Maybe you should have just let the landlord evict you?
My questions would be, are you okay supporting him? By which I mean do you make enough money and are okay with it emotionally? And second do you plan on having children? If yes to the first and no to the second, I'd say this is no cause to break up or not get married.
But omg I'd be so upset at him not confiding in me. Who does that? Why?
@caszos - The truth is, I don't want to bail him out again. Wrong me once, shame on you - wrong me twice, shame on me. Sounds silly to be so attached to an old adage but for me to regain any trust in him and go through with this wedding I need for him to show me he can fix this on his own. I've got my bases covered, so if he doesn't fix it, he's agreed to sign letters admitting that this debt is his, so the landlord doesn't screw up my credit, one that says he'll pay back the $5,500 I've already used to bail him out and one for half of the lost wedding expenses. So he's being "a man" about the outcome if he doesn't fix it - but I just can't fathom fixing this for him, not again. He created this beast, and if he had been honest with me all along, the beast would have never gotten past infancy.
@Arachna - I have no problems supporting him, emotionally, financially or otherwise. I don't mind being the main bread winner, or the only bread winner. I mind not knowing that we were sinking into this hole when I could have been paying for rent myself the whole time had I known. We do want children, but I don't think my working will have a negative impact on that (I'm actually quite alright with a stay-at-home-dad situation).
I agree with you. The most troubling part is that he acted like he didn't trust you. And showed that he's capable of keeping important secrets from you - that's a certain personality type (which isn't a bad one or anything!) but I know I wouldn't be capable of it and it would bother me if my SO was.
Sorry to hear about your worries. In all honesty, I think if you feel your financial future would be in jeopardy and putting the wedding on hold is what seems like the best thing to do -- then maybe that is what you should do. It's not an easy decision with so little time left -- maybe delay the wedding a bit further? I think the person who suggested running the credit report is an excellent idea -- you'll know exactly where he stands and if it means a wedding has to wait. You should walk into your marriage with confidence -- and at the moment, it doesn't sound like you have that. It's a big deal and good enough reason to wait. Good luck with what you choose!
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We're under 50 days from our wedding and I've just found out that my FH has been lying to me for months about paying our rent because of his pride. Long story - kinda short - when I moved in with him in January (and when he ask
ed me to marry him) 2 weeks after I was served an eviction notice. Apparently FH and his previous roommate hadn't paid rent for months. Fortunately, I had just gotten a student loan and put $5,500 of it towards this debt, that was not my own. We had a long talk about it and I thought it all had been resolved as a lesson learned. Apparently, in February, FH didn't have his half of the rent, but thought he'd catch up on it and didn't tell me. And so is the story for the last several months, in fact. I've been giving him my half of the rent since I've moved in and I thought he'd been paying his half to our landlord too.
I received an eviction notice, again, yesterday and am completely crushed. I'm still in love with FH, but now I don't trust him. I had a weird feeling for months and had asked him every week or so if we were all set on bills/rent and he kept telling me it was all paid, when it wasn't. He's been lying for months and I'm completely broken over it.
I've given him an ultimatum - come up with the money owed and July's rent too by July 1st, or else I will call off the wedding and move out. I don't want to leave him for good, but I cannot be with him (and marry him in August) if he cannot rectify this in the next few days.
I'm really just emotionally overwhelmed with all of this - and the fact that every spare nickel I have has been paying for our impending wedding. I'm quite ok with the possibility of cancelling the wedding and am able to swallow my pride to do so, but I pray to God that he can hold up his end of the deal between now and the 1st and we can move forward with finances that I control (to avoid this in the future).
I'm not really sure what advice I am seeking, but perhaps some sort of solace that potentially cancelling the wedding isn't going to destroy me.
**I am a regular poster here, under a different screenname, but have opted to create this name to avoid potential judgement should this problem be resolved.
~EDIT~
I suppose I should clarify that his employer did not have hours available to him for a few months, but also did not allow him to collect unemployment. So I knew he didn't have much money coming in (which is why I constantly checked on bills being paid) but thought he had been figuring it out somehow. He is working full time again for now.