I feel broken

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

First of all *hugs* and some more *hugs*

I am going to be a bit blunt here but it is only because I think you need to hear some things and it’s better that a stranger on the internet does it than someone you love. Hopefully it will hurt less. I am also going to read into a few things here and I apologise if I am completely off base but here they are:

I can see why and how this is so painful for you. Most likely you are still looking at 2 years ago when you felt on top of the world and that it was the most perfect time to move forward and be engaged and that never happened. It was a letdown and a huge blow to your self confidence and made you rethink where you thought your relationship was and where he was. But how amazing of him to realise this and tell you on the first night that it was not going to happen. This was very thoughtful of him. 

Now that you are back at your original weight your self confidence has lowered and in order to feel like he still loves you and wants to be with you, you are hoping that he will propose. Because if he didn’t propose then after a triathlon, why would he propose now? (this is your tiny evil voice talking, NOT me!). 

I think you need to take a step back and see that you are possibly looking for a proposal for the wrong reasons. You are seeing it as a fix to everything. I think that he is feeling insecure in the relationship for different reasons. He is most likely looking at it like this:

  1. The two of you have communication issues, you cannot properly express your anger or hurt in words and he ends up frustrated. This is an important issue that needs improving. If you can’t communicate about things now, how will it go with children in the mix
  2. You are not happy with yourself physically but make no effort to try (which we both know is possible because you’ve done it before) what will happen in the future with children. Will he be able to give them healthy eating habits and exercise? You complain about his passion (triathlons) and not spending time with him when you could both spend time together training just like you used to. Why isn’t she making the effort to spend time together doing what I love? I do the things she loves (New York etc) 
  3. I’m just not READY yet. I had a plan for saying I Love You. I wanted to do it when I felt it right, not just when she wanted it. I wanted to make sure it was right. I wanted it to be meaningful and romantic, not to just make her stop crying. This is NO different, why can’t she see that?
  4. She wants children and so do I but if she wanted a proposal so soon and is upset because there isn’t one, as soon as we are married will she be upset about a baby? Is this our pattern? Will she cry and be upset about everything until it happens? I need time, what about MY timeline and needs? 

I honestly think that you need to stop focusing on the relationship and refocus on yourself and being happy being YOU which will help you feel happier together which will make the relationship stronger. A proposal must come on top of a strong relationship; it doesn’t make a relationship stronger. Have you thought about going to some counselling, either together or just yourself, in order to help give you the skills to be a better communicator? Perhaps the two of you need to decide that you communicate your thoughts better in the written word. Or decide that you will have big, hard talks planned out days in advance rather than spontaneously with no preparation. Whatever the best way is it will help to have an uninvolved figure mediating the discussion, making sure that you are heard and helping you to communicate clearly and assert yourself without shutting down and just being upset.

And honestly, don’t you want that proposal when your relationship is strong and great and happy and it takes you to cloud nine rather than a proposal that simply stops you from crying?

I understand that what I have written is not easy, it’s going to take a lot of strength and determination on your part to achieve but I do think that it will be worth it.

Good luck!

 

Post # 3
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

it sounds as if the issue has spiraled down into a tornado of despair and doubt. It’s no wonder that the panicked, negative energy is only creating more of itself.

I understand waiting (I am waiting) and I feel for you but you need to 180 this situation. And not for a proposal: for yourself and your own happiness. And coincidentally that is what the proposal will follow. And if it doesn’t its time to move on. It’s up to you to decide when that cut off is- and keep it to yourself. It’s a personal decision to give you some power back- not an ultimatum. 

and then you drop the repetitive anxient that is making you sick in your relationship and focus on all that you have instead of making yourself and your partner miserable over the have nots. 

I think you should get your confidence back and simultaneously bond with your partner on his turf by getting back in shape. Set a goal for Fall: half marathon, 5k whatever. 

I think you should take control of your own happiness and life, start making decisions for yourself and stop waiting. I also think you should tell him: “hey love I just want to focus on having a great summer with you and leave the questions about the future aside for awhile. we’ll check in later in the fall. I won’t wait forever but I also want us enjoy our life” 

see if you can have a great summer and you two fall in love again. Stop trying to bludgeon him with your unhappiness to get a proposal. Get your joy back for your own sake and it will give him permission to be happy again too. We have a whole thread on here to support each other NOT to nag . 

check in Fall to see where his head is at. If he’s not ready: I’d leave him. youve been together and living together for many years and you are both grown adults who should know by now if they want to marry or not. He’s a 45 year old man… not ready means not you. 

Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ZenBeeNine:  Has he ever been married before?

He’s either very cautious or controlling – which is it? 

I see fault on both sides here.  I think that from the beginning, you”ve been pushing him to do things he wasn’t ready to do.  Of course that scares him.  I also don’t understand why you agreed to move in with him when there was no plan or commitment to a future together. 

On the other hand, dragging your feet for a year before an “I love you” seems odd and arbitrary.  I also,agree that after four years, he should know if he wants to get married or not.  If he truly doesn’t, then you need to decide if you can wait or if you need to cut the cord and move on.

i wonder if part of his issue is fearing that you’re always going to be focused on the next thing.  You say he can take away all your unhappiness by proposing.  Let’s say he does…how long after before you want to get pregnant and you’re just as miserable? 

The two,of you are destroying your relationship.  Would he be open to counseling to see if a compromise can be reached?  A plan hashed out? 

Or would you be able to commit to yourself to simply let the marriage/baby/house issues go for, say, six months?  Just drop it, take the pressure off.  If, at the end of that six months if he hasn’t proposed you sit him down and tell him you are moving out and that you love him and want to be with him but that you cannot continue to play house.  Or, have that conversation today but you have to mean it.  this can’t be a new pressure tactic.  

If he doesn’t want what you want, or if he just doesn’t know, or if does but cant say when…and you can’t tolerate waiting anymore, then it might be time to move out.  You can still see one another but he will have his space and freedom and you will have your dignity and that might be a better position to either move forward or to call it quits.

Post # 5
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Modern, Classic, Fun

ZenBeeNine:  I am so sorry you’re feeling this way and I want to reach through my computer screen and give you a big hug right now because, I get it. I’ve been with my SO 4.5 years and waiting a solid 3 years of them for a proposal. The constant let down and feeling like “it’s never going to happen” can feel terrible and is such a blow to the self esteem. I was in a very bad place not too long ago (similar to you) and when I had “the talk” with my SO about how getting engaged will make me feel loved by him again, he was dumbfounded. From the male perspective, he was letting me know that he was observing how I was in a bad place emotionally (and not coincidentally had put on some weight) and was feeling depressed. He simply said, I don’t want to propose to you when you are depressed. I want to do it when you and I are feeling on top of the world, in love and happy again. Both together and individually. And you know what, he’s right. I’ve since taken that advice and focused back on myself. For one, I’m trying to loose that extra weight I’ve gained and have been hitting the gym and making healthier food choices. And I’ve noticed a difference in my mood. Even my SO said to me not that long ago, “It’s so nice to see a smile on your face again!” I’ve been focusing on my career and currently looking for another job that pays more. I’m making time to hang out with my girlfriends. All of which have made me happier, and all of which have reminded my SO why he fell in love with me to begin with. Don’t get me wrong…..I’m still waiting but I’m trying to look at this time as enjoyment, anticipation and time to be selfish!

When it happens it happens, and it sounds like since you went ring shopping it may be in your future sooner than you think. But your SO isn’t going to propose to you at a time when you are feeling sorry for yourself. So pick yourself up and regain that confidence you lost. Remind him how awesome you are and how he should be so lucky to call you his wife and put a ring on your finger! And if you really love him and think he’s the one, he’s worth the wait. Let him do it when he’s ready…..I’m certain it will make that proposal moment that much more special 🙂

Post # 6
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Everything the ladies above said is absolutely true

The most important thing is your hapiness! and while you think him proposing will create that haopy place, unfortunately it will not. The arguments will still be there and maybe the anxiousness to have a child. My best adviused to you (while it’s very very hard) is to move on. let him go and see if he comes back to you. In the meanwhile do what you have to to do better yourself whether its losing weight or whatever you aspire to do in life “other” than getting married.

Pressuring a man NEVER works. You have told him several times, it seems, you are ready for the next stpe and he isn’t budging because, my dear, he is not ready for some reason or another. Let him go please, and get yourself back.

Blessing and hugs!

Post # 7
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

ZenBeeNine:  Why do you even want to marry this guy? You say yourself that the relationship has been “extremely volatile” and that he’s been “breaking your heart” since the first year you were together. In your entire post, you say nothing positive about him or your relationship except that you “love him” and “want to spend your life with him.” Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has made you miserable the entire time you’ve been together?

Post # 8
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Honestly: You are not broken. He is not the man for you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting marriage and children. He either does not want them, or he knows in his heart that you are not the “right” woman for him (for whatever reason, and he may not be able to put it into words.) I think you have to move on. It’s so hard, and I am very sad for you, but I think you have to find your own place, move out of his home, and move on with your life, without him.

Post # 9
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think you need to learn how to be happy – for your own health and well-being, and not so you can become “worthy” of his proposal.  Marriage does not make people happy.  Children do not make people happy.  Money doesn’t make people happy (though it sure does help).  You can make yourself happy, regardless of your circumstances.  How? Only you can answer that.         

If there is no way to be happy while living with your boyfriend of 4 years who won’t commit, then you know what to do.

Post # 10
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

“Every day I wake up unhappy and every night I go-to-sleep unhappy”

I read your whole post and this one sentence leapt off the screen at me. Internet hugs! I also suffer from anxiety, but you should not be unhappy evry single day of your life! To me it sounds like he has you in a holding pattern. Your SO after three years knows that you will lose weight for him, give up your home for him, give up your dreams for him. He is waiting you out on the marriage front and he knows that that + your relative ages will delay any attempt at children so he’s waiting you out. Set a walk date and stick to it. Men know that if they cry and play the “I can’t live without you” card you’ll stay longer

You seem scared to move on because you lack self confidence and you’re not good with money. Do you have family members or friends around who could help you get back on your feet when you move? Or at least put you up when you walk out? You deserve to be happy and live the life you want. This man does not seem to have your wants or interests at heart. I wish you all the best and want to hug you again and again!

 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  MaddieM.
Post # 11
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Everdeen:  + 1000

ZenBeeNine:  Honestly, please do not take this negatively or in a mean way, as I am saying it to HELP you, because I ‘get it’…I feel your actions/reactions are pushing him so much in other direction, that at this point, a proposal will *never* occur.  And not never, never, but not any time soon.  I think Everdeen said it really well, if the relationship is not in a great place, then why commit to a lifetime together?! (perhaps, his thoughts right now).

Your post is heart-wrenching, but ONE huge thing stood out to me, and that is you repeatedly typing ‘being good enough’, or lackthereof.  You ARE good enough, I promise, and obviously your SO feels the same, or else he would have walked.  But, something in you is telling yourself you are NOT, and so you think a proposal will make you feel worthy?!  Of what exactly?!  

This leads me to believe that you are not in a confident place, and unfortunately, confidence will transcend into you, and onto everyone else around you.  

I say this because at my unhealthiest, in my relationship with now DH, I remember feeling the same things, and crying to him about wanting a proposal and needing one, and blah, blah, blah.  He told me he needed more time, and was not ready.  After hearing that one too many times, I took my frustrations with lack of movement, into moving my body, and feeling better about myself.  By default, or perhaps not, I became happier, more energetic, and CONFIDENT in myself all over again.  It was not about looking good, but I felt good, and because I felt great, things in our relationship were better.  I was smiling again, and lost that idea that I was not worthy of a proposal, but more so, that I was – that any guy would be lucky to have me!!!  

However, because my SO and myself were great, and being more active, and having more fun; cooking together, taking long walks together – I stopped worrying, or wondering about a proposal.  I WAS GOOD, we were good, life was great, I had no questions he would not do it in his own time.  

And he did…and I was completely surprised, and it was utterly perfect, and I know he did it the way he wanted, and not because I needed him to do it, or because I forced him too?!?!

As we talked about the proposal, and marriage over those months, he said that seeing my confidence, and feeling my confidence (which, can be had at any size, or shape) is a huge reason he became more ready.  It made him confident in our relationship too.  

You need to re-focus, not for him, but for YOU.  You need to find a way to be confident in yourself to know that YOU are worthy of marriage and children, and if not with him, with some really lucky man.  “Waiting” is hard, but the question is for you:  IS HE WORTH THE WAIT?!  Not you, HIM?!

Post # 12
Member
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Jijitattoo:  This.

Honestly, OP, from what you say, this isn’t the right guy for you. If he were, then you both wouldn’t be so miserable. I think you should let this one go (harder than it sounds, I KNOW – been there!) and focus on yourself and your happiness – maybe live single for a year or two. Once you get your confidence and happiness back, you’ll be ready to not only find someone more on your schedule but someone that will be happy to be on your schedule.

Also, I get it, I know it’s hard, but please relax with the baby plans/pregnancy. I have a friend whose entire life’s goal was to be a mother. She didn’t develop any hobbies or interests and saw each guy she dated as a mere sperm bank. Needless to say, none of her relationships worked out, and she is now single and childless (not that there is anything wrong with that, but clearly that was not her goal). I think that by becoming obsessed with goals that you really can’t control 100%, you end up repelling them. Just my 2 cents.

Post # 13
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

If he’s making you that miserable, then he’s not the right one for you. I’m a firm believer in the idea that if you spend more of your time with someone miserable than you do happy, then you need to change the situation. And it honestly sounds like the best change in your situation would be to find your own place, move out, and end it. You deserve better than someone who, by what you said and the way it reads to me, is manipulative and emotionally damaging.

That being said, that’s a decision that only you can make. We only have the information you’ve presented to us here. You’re the one who knows how he treats you on a day to day basis, how you feel every day, the ratio of good days to bad days. But I know you realize that you deserve better than the way he’s treating you.

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