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First, let me say I am sorry if this comes out disjointed and self loathing...but that is where I am right now.
As many of you know DH and I have been seriously TTC since the begining of the year. We have been NTNT for much longer.
We recently saw my OBGYN for bloodwork. She helped reassure us that she would get to the reason why we weren't getting pregnant.
And now, with my test results in my inbox, we may have our reason.
My AMH level came back at .30 I am devistated.
For those who don't know what AMH is or what it should be: AMH stands for anti-mullerian hormone, it is a good indicator of how many eggs you have left. Based on my number my ovarian reserve is very low. Normal is at least 1.0
Since you are born with the only eggs you will ever have this means that no matter what I do, I can't make that number go up.
With this number comes the very real and very painful reality that I am most likely never going to have a biological child. IUI and IVF are not great choices because simply put, I don't have enough eggs. The two options I am really left with are adoption and egg donation.
I am going in for my FSH test on day three just to confirm this number. I expect that number to be high, thus confirming my biological clock is no longer sounding the alarm, it has almost run out of batteries.
I can't stop crying, I just can't. I don't understand why. I am a healthy weight, I am only 32. I take care of my body and I have dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I just don't know how to move forward at this point. All I can think of is that I may never get the chance to look at my child and say he or she has my nose, or acts like me. I will most likely never be able to give my husband a child that is ours. Yes, I can have an egg donor (if we can afford it) and we can adopt (again if we can afford it). I know this. But right now none of that is comforting to me. (enter self loathing) I'm just broken and I am not even certain this is my fate I can't understand why I even have to face this reality. What did I do wrong, why. How am I supposed to trudge through life knowing that I am broken. How am I supposed to act normal. How do I accept that this is most likely my reality?
I know it's not over until a doctor says it's over, but (pardon my french) shit just got real shitty with those test results. I am no longer wondering why I haven't gotten pregnant, odds are, I never will be.
Ugh. This is so heavy. I'm sorry. Don't give up yet. I know that can be hard, but wait until you speak with your doctor and talk about your options. HUGE GIANT HUGS
I don't know what to say honey. I am so, so so very sorry.
I don't know what to say but I just wanted you to know I read your post and I feel for you. Hugs.
I am terribly, terribly sorry to read your news. Please do not give up just yet! I can only imagine how you feel. There is a good chance that I may never be able to have children, but I am waiting for my insurance to start up again to get more tests done. (The thought of it devastates me though). The best I can do is to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you the absolute best. We, as a community, will ALWAYS be here for you.
I am so sorry you're going through this! There is some slight silver lining though. I know you said you'll never get to say your child acts like you but odds are, if you adopt, you will! My boyfriend is adopted and has so many of his parents' behaviors it's crazy. I know that's absolutely no consolation to you now, but I just wanted to let you know. I hope you and your husband get through this together.
I am so sorry the news wasn't good. And don't feel badly about not accepting the idea of adoption yet. Adoption is a wonderful thing, but if you're not in a place right now where you can feel good about it, no one would ever judge you for it.
It's not over til it's over, and maybe not even then. Hugs big time.
I'm so sorry hun. I'll keep you in my thoughts and think good things for you. Miracles do happen.
I'm so sorry. :( I can't imagine what you must be feeling. However, I want to point out that domestic adoptions are much, much cheaper than having your own kids, especially with fertility treatments--I've read that public agencies are low-cost and run less than $5,000, while private agencies are a little more expensive. There are options for you, and you WILL get to be a mom someday! Gigantic, gigantic hugs.
*Hugs* I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope and pray that everything works out for you.
Lots and lots of hugs and prayers coming your way from me. I have PCOS, so I am also faced with possible infertility, even though it has also always been my dream to have biological children. My heart goes out to you. Like others said, it's not over until it's over. Numbers are just a thing, there is always hope.
@MissOtter31: I definitely can second this. My siblings and I are all adopted. My sister's personality is just like my moms, and all og us have mixtures of my parents in us, even if its not genetic.
I know its tough for you right now, but really, adoption is such a beautiful thing. My parents couldn't have bio kids, but we really have a great family that was meant to fit toogether. And to think, there could be a baby out there that you could give a chance to that no one else can. Anyways, that's just my 2 cents.
I wish I knew you so I could run right over and give you a hug! Sometimes there is no reason. Just keep positive. Hope is the bottom line of every thing!!! Give up that and you give up hope! My heart and prayers are with you. xoxo
I am so sorry to hear your news :(
I'll be praying for you and your husband.
My heart is breaking for you, I am so very sorry. If anyone deserves to be a mom, it's definitely you, I'll be praying that your next test results are more promising. ((HUGS))
Sorry to hear. I really want to second the idea of adopting... Im adopted and seriously its one of the best things. I ended up with loving parents and a stable home and I count my blessings daily that I was adopted.
I hope once the shock has gone that it will become an acceptance and you have a positive outlook and that the world will still be your oyster....
**edit - that post may have come out wrong. its not a backhanded comment.. its just saying I hope you pull through ok***
From someone who has been down this exact road from the diagnosis to the option of adoption, I'm so sorry. I know that the news is devastating. If anything bothers you, get a second opinion, a second test just to confirm. We are going to do that in June this coming year. While I don't want to bring up adoption at this time with you, bc honestly this news is hard to take and it's hard to jump to the next phase, trust me I get it. However should you need advice, questions or want to vent you can PM me.
I knew someone who had very few eggs too. She had a procedure done where the doctors take a few eggs out and get some of her SO's sperm and got her pregnant that way. I don't remember all the details but it's basically going threw the same thing as if you go to have a surraget mother but they put it back into you. Maybe she said she was seeing if it was possible or had it done before. I know she had a couple kids but I don't remember if one or both were adopted. You might look into seeing if that is possible at all. I hope things work out for you.
Im so sorry. I have nothing that will make you feel better, but just know that I am sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts your way. Like you said, its not over till the fat lady sings.
My heart aches for you - I am so sorry to hear that your test results are so shitty. I can't think of any words of brilliance to make you feel better now but my only advice is to take the time you need to grieve right now. Grieve as long as you need to - this is a huge blow and you shouldn't feel rushed to think about other options or look at the positive side right now. Take things one step at a time - if everything is confirmed as you fear it will be, take the time with your husband and work through it. When you're feeling in a space to move forward, which will eventually hapen, you know you have other options to explore.
Sending lots of hugs and warm wishes to you and your DH.
I hope you remember low chance doesnt mean no chance. My friend is 28, one ovary, and low egg count as well as many cyst issues, and she has a happy healthy 1 year old now.It is not a regular occurence, but it did work out.
On the issue of adoption, my FI is adopted, and he is 100% his parents. He even runs like his mom (both HATE their run... lol... its very distinctive), and fights for fairness like his dad. He even looks remarkably like them. He is the apple of their eye, and considered a "blessing" by his VERY conservative grandmother. Never one to praise, she dotes on him. They all see his adoption is from god (they are catholic)
Interestingly, he knows his bio family now, and although they have similar medical records and a few of the same intrests, he IS his adopted parents son.
The fight both ways can be hard, and if you keep trying and succeed, you will be just as happy as you are sad now. But I can also say honestly, as loving as you sound, if you do have a chance to adopt, it may be a hard and emotional road, but you will never regret it.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I'm sure you will figure out what is best for the two of you.
I am so so sorry to hear your news. I can't even imaging how you must feel. I am actually tearing up for you. I hope that in time, you can find an option that you can be at peace with.
Hugs to you. Getting bad fertility news hurts a lot. I feel for you.
Don't give up. See a reproductive endocrinologist. Get lots of opinions. Do your own research. Anything is possible. xo
I'm in a similar situation, except mine are probably used up, because I'm older. This does suck--no butterflies & rainbows here. Of course you are crushed. Go ahead and wallow it for a couple days. Since I've had several friends suffer through infertility, I have a pretty good sense of what I'd be in for. I have also accepted that I might never be a mom, although I'm not really ok with that yet.
At least you have an answer and can make informed decisions going forward. PM me if you want to go out for a drink (and maybe sushi).
I can't get you out of my thoughts. :( I've been following this blog for a while, maybe it would be a good read for you? http://www.thelessthandomesticgoddess.com/
I am sooooo sorry. Nothing I say will take away the anger at your body, the world right now. It suxs and it will always sux. I know you are strong enough to eventally overcome this, but for right now, just be pissed and sad.
I'm so so sorry! I truly do hope you get good news soon and DON'T GIVE UP!! If there's still some eggs stickin around, then they are fighting with you!! Good luck and I know all of our thoughts are with you.
I have biological children and I also have adopted children and I can tell you I love them all with all my heart. How they came to me, be it by birth or adoption is just a means. They are MY children. I know you are hurting, it is a process which will take time and surely many tears but as all, it will pass. Before you know it in your arms will soon be a bundle of joy.
I am so, so sorry. Whenever I read posts like this, I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everything better.
I had an adopted brother, (who has now passed away), and I am my parents' biological child. He was every bit my brother, and every bit my parents' child by blood or not. It was also funny because he phsycially looked like my mom, while I take more after my dad.
The Adoption Creed:
Not flesh of my flesh nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own
Never forget for a single minute
You didn't grow under my heart...
But IN it.
You will be a mother someday. Even if the child isn't biologically yours, (or if it is), you will be his or her mother in every way that matters.
You did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve this. Sometimes our bodies just don't work the way we want them too. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*
I'm so sorry Peach. Bad news about fertility is just heartbreaking. There's no way around it. It just busts your world up. You and hubby are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. You've done everything right, sometimes genetics just screw you over. That's something I've had to work really hard to come to terms with...and am still working on.
When you're ready - I would definitely have your levels checked again, and make sure you get your ovaries checked other ways too - like an antral follicle count. I'd definitely speak to an RE about your options before giving up hope. There's always something to hope for. And we're here for whatever you need that we can give. Love.
@panterapeach: I am saddened to read your post. I'm sure it's a very hard pill to swallow. Allow yourself to be sad for a while, then attempt to change your mindset as your body can sense those "negative feelings" (which you don't want when you're trying to get pregnant). Please know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best! (((Hugs)))
I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending love and support your way...
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