I feel like a bad wife but….

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8708 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My birthday last year was the first birthday and first christmas I spent with my husband. My birthday is Christmas eve. I got nothing for my birthday, and nothing for christmas. Not a card. Not a happy birthday or merry christmas.

It hurt, yeah. But you know what, after some soul searching I realized that I am a lot luckier than a lot of people in this world. I don’t need material things, it’s just one day in the rest of my life. I have a husband who loves me, regardless of what he gives me on my birthday or on christmas.

I am a giver. I love to spoil him. I love seeing his face light up when I get him amazing. That’s all I need.

If these things are important to you, talk to him about it. Being bitter over it and “getting back at him” this way is not a healthy way to live. It isn’t healthy to your relationship.

It’s all about perspective. I have a man who spoils me rotten every other day of the year. I don’t need recongnition one day of the year when he makes me feel amazing every other day.

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Sea Ranch Lodge

From your other posts it seems like you just have a rocky relationship… someone who was in the middle of a divorce when you got engaged, questionable in-laws, job troubles, emergency wedding, etc.

I think you’ve handled everything well considering the bumps in the road you have had. However, I also think you’re being taken advantage of. Don’t keep on giving him nice, thoughtful things if he doesn’t reciprocate. Do you think he just might have had a rough year? It seems to be more than just gift giving that is a problem…

Sending good vibes your way! Maybe you guys can just get away from it all for a bit? 

Post # 5
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@RobandLil0107:  You should not feel guilty. It’s not that you want fancy stuff, you just want him to give you SOMETHING meaningful. I totally get that. I would be disappointed too. You definitely need to stop buying him so many gifts. Maybe he just isn’t the type to show affection through presents.

Sorry, girl. I know that mst be shitty for you.

Post # 6
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Have you sat him down and talked about how important gift-giving is to you?   Calmly & clearly explain your needs and expectations; rather than hoping he learns from your examples

Post # 7
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@RobandLil0107:  DH tried something like that this past Valentine’s Day.

I got home, he asked me what I was making for dinner, I said “Are you kidding” He said “No”, and I said “Well, I’m having this bottle of wine. You can make yourself whatever you want.” And he got the message that pretending we don’t celebrate V-Day is not okay.

If he’s not going to get you anything, I’d start getting you stuff, and cut down his gift by 90%!

See a great necklace? Awesome! Happy V-Day to you! Then you can wear it to dinner. Happy V-Day to him!

Honestly, I wouldn’t be very inclined to give him a gift, either…

Post # 8
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Is there a financial reason he has not bought you gifts?  Do your families have different gift giving traditions (this is the case with me and DH’s families)?

Post # 9
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@RobandLil0107:  I’m so sorry! Feeling unappreciated is basically the worst feeling ever. I am a lot like you – I keep track of the things DH likes and will want and get him most of those things for his birthday/holidays. Why? I love seeing him have the nice things he wants. I am lucky, though – he uses everything I give him, and I don’t feel like I’m wasting money.

He usually does really good with gift-giving, also. He knows that I want to feel appreciated, too. Doesn’t have to be big, but to show he put some though into something really means a lot to me. 

I would suggest talking to him about it. Try not to accuse or make him feel bad, but approach it from the direction of how hurt your feelings are, and that it’s a concern for you. See where it goes from there. 

Post # 10
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

ohh thats a tough one. My DH has a problem with giving gifts also. It has taken me years to help him understand but it must be a guy thing. christmas: I got him a wii, he got me a freezer. now i wasnt there when he bought it but at the time i was 23….. a freezer. now its come in handy!  but then…. hes always been a gift giver of something you need. But i see it as my husband gets me the stuff i really want, while parents get you your much needed underwear. i felt like a freezer was more of a wife with kids gift. not a girlfriend gift. he thinks me and my family think to much into gift giving. and i feel guilty about that but come on. I ALWAYS get him what he spesificly wants. even if its 150 for a head piece you now are always wearing when playing call of duty. its been 8 years and he has been getting better. but there were some times i gave him shit. and i felt totally vain. one time i bugged him to get flowers and after as we were at the store he wanted me to pick them out, at the grocery store. i kinda flipped i was ilke WTH it doesnt mean anything if i picked them out right after i told you to get them for me.  i might as well just have bought it for me.

I think its some guy thing. my birthday is aug 26. a couple weeks ago we were looking at vaccum packers. he really wanted to buy the $250 one. i wanted the $70 one. But somewhere in there he says “maybe this could be on of your birthday presents” im like no no no, we have been talking about getting one for a while and we are here picking it out cuz of me and you want to call it a birthday present…..dont think so. not getting off that easy. i feel totally materialistic but … there were times i felt the same way, like teaching him a lesson. One time he even was too tired to do it on my B-day. but every year he needs it cuz it would terribly mean to say no. i totally throw that one in his face some times. its been long enough that ive forgotten about it but still who does that. A DUDE! Or he would get me a video game. i know it was princess peach but he played it way more than i did. loli love the guy but gifts for women are not his strong suits.

So you feel like getting him nothing. just give him something of value like hes been giving you. when hes there at the store. lol. thats kinda mean. But i think men lack as much empathy as us.

I think you should talk to him about it.  Call him out on the list? i found out my DH felt super ackward in those situations and that he used to pretend to be sick on (not with me) V-day so he could avoid the whole thing. He said shopping for girls (he has a lot of boys in his family) was just something that seemed foriegn.

Post # 11
Member
1762 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t think that it matters what you do or do not buy for his birthday, what’s desperately needed is for the two of you to sit down and to have an honest conversation about your feelings and that his behaviour is hurtful. 

Post # 12
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It could be that your husband doesn’t feel the same way about gifts that you do. Have you ever read the book The Five Love Languages? I thought it was pretty insightful. Here’s an explanation by the author. The basic gist of the argument is that everyone has a different “language” in which they give love (and most powerfully experience love) – acts of service (i.e., doing things for the other person), gifts, quality time, touch, and words of affirmation.

So, your language might be gifts — you feel most loved when you receive thoughtful gifts, and so you make a big deal out of giving thoughtful gifts, too, because this seems to you to be the most logical way to show you care.

But if your husband’s love language is something like “words” or “touch,” then he not only won’t understand why you’re hurt when he gives you “crappy” gifts, he also won’t really appreciate or understand the meaning behind the gifts you give him, because they won’t read to him as “loving” in the same way your kind words (or physical touch, depending on his “language”) would. It’s not malicious or lazy or callous of him, it’s just that he doesn’t speak the same “love language” as you.

The point of this book is to help you each figure out what the other person’s language is, so you can each be aware of and attentive to what the other person needs. Here’s the quiz – you should take it together!

 

Post # 13
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

DH is the worst gift thinker-upper ever, but when he does come up with something once in a blue moon, it’s great. However, we’re not a gift giving couple … I have to use our occasions as excuses to get him things whenever because we just don’t follow the occasions hahaha.

You need to communicate to him that your love language is gifts 🙂

Post # 15
Member
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I really do understand where you are coming from. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

My husband grew up in a family where gifts were minimal. For Christmas, the children each got one gift and did not give their siblings or parents gifts. For the big family Christmas, they would do Secret Santa or grab bag type presents, under $15. For birthdays, they were given one gift from their parents and none from outside family members. Anniversaries and Valentine’s Day were not celebrated. It’s not that his family was poor, it was just the way they did things. My family celebrates birthdays with food, laughter, and small gifts, two or three from the parents and at Christmas we give each of our siblings a present, two from the parents, and a couple from Santa (yes, even now. Haha) I love celebrations because it brings our family together. The presents are always something we want – we give lists for everything. My husband just doesn’t seem them the same way. I’d love for him just to put some thought into what he wants to give, but he doesn’t. Each year, I email him a link of exactly what I want and he gets it. Not everyone is raised the same. We actually made a compromise where we would only give cards at Valentine’s Day but small presents for anniversaries so that way we could be get what we wanted. And we spend under $100 on both birthdays and Christmas. It’s all about perspective. We had to have serious discussions on something that I thought was the norm. 

Post # 16
Member
3112 posts
Sugar bee

@RobandLil0107:  Sounds like you need to read the 5 Love Languages.  Giving gifts is NOT his love language!  Is receiving gifts yours?

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