I feel like a horrible, selfish, terrible friend

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think you’re horrible for not wanting her to go…as long as that just stays a thought or a feeling. You’re right that you shouldn’t jump for joy. But I think it’s pretty harmless that you are feeling this way. She clearly means a lot to you.

Post # 5
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

Yikes, that’s rough. I think you’re handling it well though. You have recognized your bias and are trying to keep your opinion in check. Just keep being a supportive friend and you guys will figure it out. 

Post # 6
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ForeverBirds:  You are not horrible you just want her there for the biggest day of your life. The fact you are supportive of her going even if she misses your wedding shows your not selfish

 

your just happy b.c. you love the idea of sharing the day with the people you love. She is not thinking of missing that trip just for you either you said her cousins weddings is coming as well and other event’s 

 

the timing for that trip just might not be right right now it does not make you bad for being glad she puts it off to be part of he things that matter to her(not just you) she is choosing that because she likely feels selfish missing your wedding missing her cousins sounds likes she is a sweet giving caring girl and her family would def be lacking her if she was gone 

 

she can always go later if she chooses the timing is off now please dont feel guility she is gonna do  and be where she feels needed and if she does go its not b.c. she doesnt wanna be there for your weddintg either jsut the call of helping people with less then ourselfs was very strong andshe felt she was needed there 

Post # 7
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

Gah well if it’s confession time… 

SO and I are getting engaged soon and SO wants to start planning next summer. My best friend goes to the same university as I, but always goes home far away for breaks (including summer). I’m already saving up to fly her here for the wedding, and obviously she’ll be my MOH. But thinking of planning without her just sucks. She’s the only one of my friends who’s, well, that awesome, and the only one who’s interested in wedding stuff.

When she told me that she might have failed a course, meaning she would have to stay in my city next summer to finish her degree, I felt really sad (that sucks!) but I had this tiny little thought “awesome, then she can come dress shopping with me etc.etc.”.

I too, feel like a horrible, selfish, terrible friend for thinking that. But as long as we don’t say anything, no harm is done! Ultimately I deeply hope that she didn’t fail, but if she did at least some good would come of it 😛 So don’t worry about it, you’re not alone. We can’t help but be a little selfish sometimes, which is fine unless we act upon those selfish thoughts.

Post # 8
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@ForeverBirds:  I don’t think you’re a horrible, selfish person to have those thoughts, but this may be a once in a lifetime (literally) opportunity for her that she may always regret not doing. I am totally speaking from my own experience when I say this.   I left my first boyfriend to go to South America for a few months (I was 18 at the time – first love!) and at 27 years old, I am SO glad I didn’t stay for him, because it was life changing.   I’ve also lived in Africa and backpacked through Europe – choosing those adventures over other experiences.  I missed a friends wedding that I would have been in, but Europe was something I couldn’t pass up.   I really hope this isn’t offensive, because I don’t mean it to be, but it’s just a wedding – a pretty day, but the chance to really explore yourself and the world – those opportunities are so rare. I’d encourage her to go because it may very well be the most amazing experience of her life and she’ll need/want her bff to be cheering her on. 

 

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@ForeverBirds:  You aren’t horrible or selfish at all. If you were horrible and selfish then you would have shared your feelings with her and tried to make her feel like shit/guilted her into staying. Everyone needs to live their life for themselves and to do what is best for them. They can’t let what others want dictate their own choices.

I am glad you are being supportive of whatever she decides. Yes, it will suck if she’s gone but it would suck more if she ended up resenting you for trying to hold her back.

Post # 10
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If everyone was judged by their private split-second thoughts and feelings rather than their actions, I don’t think there’d be a single person who wouldn’t be considered selfish at some point or other!

Be kinder to yourself.

Post # 12
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I only think it’s selfish if you demand she stay. I also think that mission trips are selfish (in that the church members are pushing their beliefs on people and stripping locals of their own belief systems). But that’s a discussion for another thread…..

Post # 14
Member
1952 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You’re not a horrible or selfish friend. In fact, I think you’re doing well to keep your wishes/opinions in check, and you’re not forcing your wishes onto her. Good on you for being supportive, but make sure not to jump for joy in her presence, if you feel the need to. You’re not demanding she stay, which is good. I hope everything works out for you!

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