Post # 1
I’m frightened that i’ve been waiting for so long that it’s killed off the excitement about getting engaged/married now that the event is finally approaching. Help! SO and I have been together for 6 years and living together for 3. I have been waiting for about 5 years. 5 years!!! I’m really, really tired of it. I’m 26 and SO is 29. I have endometriosis and my doctor has been telling me since age 23 that I need to have a baby ASAP as I may have fertility issues. Also, SO is Jewish and I’d like to convert, which means we need an engagement of at least a year or so. I was ready to get engaged in the first year of being with SO as we both knew we wanted to marry each other. I felt ready to be actually married when I was about 24. But here I am, rapidly approaching 27 and still waiting.
The ‘honeymoon period’ of our relationship is over, but we still love each other. I think this demonstrates the health of our relationship, and I’m glad we’ve lived together first and know we work well as a team, but I feel a knawing sense of regret that we didn’t just get engaged and have a small wedding in the ‘honeymoon’ phase.
When we had been living together for a year I was definitely ready to get engaged. My friends started getting married and i started talking about weddings, a ring, and our plans. One day SO told me he definitely wanted to marry me but thought we were too young and did not like me talking about weddings, so I stopped.
This year I have started to feel really sick of waiting. I feel like I have waited for too long! I’m worried this is making me resentful towards SO, which I do not want to happen. I am basically his wife. I support him in everything, cook, clean etc, and he even calls me his ‘wife.’ I’m ultimately happy to have this role and I want it made official, but this year I’ve started getting really bitter about it. “Why am I going to all this trouble when I don’t even have a ring?” I find myself thinking. Argh.
So finally the time has come. He wants to go ring shopping with me, and said he’d like to get married next year. I am not jumping up and down with joy like I thought. Instead, I’m thinking “it’s about ****ing time!” and “finally!” Help, bees, what can I do to reclaim the excitement and joy that I would have felt if he’d proposed in the second year we were together? I love him more every day, but I feel like he’s just kept me waiting too long and I guess I must feel a bit hurt about it and angry with him at some level.
Post # 3
OMG I feel the SAME way!! Been with BF for 5 years, lived with him for 3.5 yrs. I feel Im starting to resent BF too (everytime someone else gets engaged I feel so distant). It definitely sucks. Like when it finally does happen everyone (including myself) is gonna be like “Finally what took so damn loong!!!” LOL..it def kills the mood. Sorry I dont have any advice for you..were in the same boat dear!
Post # 4
I felt like that a bit too, but we didn’t live together and were only together 2 years when we got engaged.
However, when he did? AMAZING!
It’s something sacred and special. When he does, your heart will tell you it was worth the wait!
Just remember, the pre-engagement glow phase is wonderful! You get all the excitement and romance without any of the worry of wedding planning!
Enjoy this special time b/c it can bring you much closer together! Much love 🙂
Post # 5
I can completely relate. I was with my FI for over 6yrs and living together for just over 3 before he proposed. Just like you, I was ready to get married after just a yr. I was in the same spot, getting bitter and angry and resenting him. I too felt like we had passed the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our relationship. We really fell into our routine and each other. And yes I did love him more and more everyday and knew he was ‘the one’ but a part inside just pissed me off to no end that he hadnt proposed. He was dead set on waiting until the EXACT moment he was ready to ask me… and looking back, I’m glad he did.
Now that we are engaged, I feel like our love has grown even stronger. And I feel like every day we get closer and closer. I know how frustrating it can be, but I think some men are just stubborn as **** and want to wait til the exact minute they want to do it. I hope for your sanity it happens soon. I know I probably would have went crazy if I had to wait another day. And I really think once it happens youll see how it takes your relationship to a new level.
Best of luck to you. I wish you all the happiness in the world 🙂
Post # 6
We have been together for almost 10 years and living together for almost 9. Yes, the honeymoon period is over, but since getting officially engaged, it has started to come back. Just reach out to him. Remember the little things that you used to do in the beginning of your relationship. I put notes in FI’s lunch and leave post it notes in places that I know he will see them. I also make sure to give him little gifts now and then. They don’t have to be expensive. Have candlelight dinners at home and then add a special desert. Arrange a date night. Go to a movie or take a walk in the park. Hold hands when you go out. Sit down and make a list of little things, so you can remember what you both liked to do in the beginning. You can give him a booklet of homemade coupons redeemable for something you know he would like to do or have. The more you do to bring it back the sooner he will start recipricating.
Post # 7
@ls18 – I am in the same boat. We have been together 6 years, but don’t live together. I am already harboring resentment and hurt feelings and wondering why it’s taking him so long and I am concerned that I won’t have that special feeling of excitement when it happens. I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to assure you that you are not alone. Hopefully, the feelings will change like all the pp’s have mentioned. Hang in there!
Post # 8
Kinda the same boat here too…Been together almost 7 years, living together for about 2…we had the “talk” a little while ago, and he flat out told me that “it’s too soon” to think about getting married. Which, I kind of agree with since I have quite a bit of school left, but it’s just so frustrating because I cook, clean, do his laundry, make his lunch, fix things for him, etc. and do EVERYTHING a wife would do, and yet I feel kinda pissed that I have nothing to make it official. I don’t care even care if we would have to have a 4 year engagement at this point…I just want that acknowledgement of the next step already so I feel like I’m “worth it” to him and we’re not just playing house, you know?
So I guess that all I can tell you is to try to relax and just enjoy your day to day life both with your SO and what’s important to YOU! Eventually he’ll come around…right? ^_^;
Post # 9
Thanks guys, it’s so good to know I’m not alone and thanks for letting me vent to you!
@pharmy, caligirl and fuschia, it’s tough isn’t it? I really don’t want waiting to affect our relationship but it’s really been getting to me these past few months. I’m just so sick of it. I never thought I’d be waiting this long. Like so many other bees on here, it seems that lots of friends/acquaintances/colleagues etc around my age are getting engaged or married at the moment, which always rubs it in a bit.
I try not to nag SO about it at all and instead I bottle it all up inside. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him about it more, but in the past when I’ve talked about engagements it hasn’t been great – I think he perceives it as dissatisfaction/pressure/nagging. For mother’s day I have made the card, bought flowers, shopped for and prepared a salad to take to dinner at his sister’s, and am going to spend all these hours at dinner with his family. I wish I could just say to him that I’m feelining annoyed that I go to all this effort for his family and we’re still just ‘dating.’ Like pharmy said, it’s that formal acknowledgment which would be meaningful to me. I do so much for him and am happy to do it, but I want some recognition. Ah it’s good to vent!
@ bellena, noritake and Mrs Smith, thanks for giving me hope that the excitement will return! Great advice about keeping busy and focusing on the relationship, not an engagement. Will keep you all posted and good luck to the others in the same boat, at least we’re in it together.
Post # 10
@ls18: bottling it all up inside = bad.
I vent in the shower. (I don’t live with my guy.) Because I definitely catch myself feeling resentful. Like, do you think you get 27 shots at this? Don’t you realize how wonderful our love is? Do you think this kind of relationship comes around everyday? Why don’t you WANT to propose to me, want it so intensely that you just have to ask me just to make sure that I say yes? Why do I seem to want this more than you?
And then of course usually right after the vent sessions, he says or does something incredibly sweet and thoughtful that makes me feel like a dumba$$ and a shrew.
Luckily, he has no idea of my shrewish dumba$$ery.
Post # 11
i kn what u mean. i’ve been with SO for 3.4 yrs.that may not seem that long but when u kn a ring has been purchased almost 2yrs if not 2 ago u start getting tired of waiting.he keeps saying he is planning somthing big.i’m kinda tired of all the let down dates.he says it soon(like i havnt heard tha before) lol.am giving till the end of the yr which i dont think it will take that long.if it does i might turn into a monster cause this would just be fullish.
i kn its hard but when the time actually comes especially if he makes it special i think u;ll still feel giddy.at least i hope.best of luck
Post # 12
I totally totally know what you mean. My SO and I have only been together dating for 11 months.. but we have been good friends for going on 9 years. We have talked about engagement and weddings since 2 months into dating.. and I am so sick and tired of this waiting game.. but I know I want to marry him. I at one point was going to propose to him.. and when I brought it up that one of my friends did it, he told me he would tell me no if I did, and then tell me I have to wait until he asks. I understand why but my goodness this waiting thing sucks.
Post # 13
Oh you poor dear! I know how you feel. Whilst I do my best to give credit to guys who want to make something special I also think that there is special and then there is just plain cruel and taking someones love for granted. I think you should stop acting so wifey to him until it happens. Be selfish, but not in a mean way, just in a way that might make him realize he better make you feel special after all this waiting because you are not gonna make him the center of your universe until he delivers.
I am in the waiting game too now but I must admit I did not think I’d be waiting so long either and if soon isn’t as soon as I hope (say a month or two) I am going to start to feel very resentful and hurt myself. I will try to fight it but I did decide that I’m gonna pull away a bit if it doesn’t happen in what I consider a reasonable soon. This is not a manipulation tactic but instead a way of making myself feel less vulnerable and more powerful. We love our men, all of us, but we also love ourselves and need to protect ourselves from feeling hurt and being caught in a waiting cycle limbo that can be hell. Obviously if this stuff were up to us we’d be way ahead of our men so its only fair that if they are gonna hold our dreams hostage longer than we’d like, we can take back some of ourselves until they decide they want to come through.
I hope he gives you a beautiful amazing proposal and makes you feel as special as I’m sure you are. In the meantime you have us and yourself and he doesn’t get you anymore unless he gets on it!
Post # 14
I completely get what you’re saying and felt like that a little too. In some of his emails he’d refer to me as his FI (to others not to me, he just would pass them along). I’m like dude, that’s sweet and all, but you’re kinda killing it since we’re not actually engaged.
But, I have to say once we were engaged the annoyance really left. He probably didn’t propose at the exact ideal time but whatever, it worked and we’ve really been in this romantic haze since. I donno, it just solidified our relationship so much and we got engaged about a year ago and it’s still going strong in our romantic haze. So don’t worry to much it will still be romantical.
Post # 15
I don’t live with my SO (yet) but he has brought that up recently. I haven’t really decided if I want to do that w/o a ring or at least the marriage discussion. We haven’t come out and said it – and I don’t want to because I want it to be 100% his idea and I want a surprise. No ring shopping for me – just want the surprise.
Anyway, I know exactly what you’re all referring to. You get a little antsy and irritated. Then, they are sweet and wonderful and you feel guilty for thinking ill thoughts. I even think about his HORRIFIC, mean, mooching, pathetic ex-wife. I think “okay, you married her like within a year” and she was a terror and me…we have this wonderful unique love and you won’t freakin’ propose.
It’s only 1 year and 8 months, so I’m hanging tight. Doing the “not mentioning it” theory of Mr. Bees. But, at times I feel hints at it.
in the meantime, I shall enjoy!!!
Hope you get your proposal real soon.