Post # 1
So, my grandparents called me last night to tell me they were giving me and FI money for our wedding. Not long into the conversation, it is revealed that they “don’t want me to feel like I can’t invite some people because we don’t have enough money, because it’s my wedding and I should be able to have who I want there.”
And then in the next breath, they start ever so slyly suggesting I add to my guestlist relatives that I was intentionally planning to not invite. As if my heart would be broken because I couldn’t invite Great Uncle Crazypants and my third cousin’s children. (Seriously. Not joking.)
I feel bad for being miffed. Most people would be really happy to accept an essentialyl bottomless monetary offer…but I find myself being annoyed by it. Why tell me that I should have who I want at my wedding, when you really just want to tell me that I should have who you want at my wedding…and then offer me money so that I have to do what you want. It seems a little manipulative to me?
I know I should be thankful, but this leaves a sour taste in my mouth. The money would make things a little easier, and it probably wouldn’t kill me to have Great Uncle Crazypants around. Our venues certainly can accomodate that number of people, so that’s not the issue…but it makes me feel like I’m being bought. And I don’t like that so much.
Post # 3
Thank them for their offer and tell them you’d like some time to consider it. You don’t need to take the money with not-so-subtle strings attached like that. Talk it over with your FI and see if having the financial help is worth letting go of some of the guest list control. If it’s not, then thank your grandparents but tell them that you’d like to decline and just enjoy their company there and maintain your small/intimate guest list.
Post # 4
@indibee: FI’s response was, “Cool.” He’s not bothered by the extra guests.
Their offer wasn’t even just to pay for extra guests. It was an “Anything you want, we’ll pay for.” offer. That makes it hard to turn down, and I know they won’t go cuckoo bananas with it all…but it’s the principle that’s hanging me up.
Post # 5
I told my parents that if they wanted me to invite their friends they’d have to pay for it. I get where your gp are comming from, but youre right its kinda strings attached thing and thats not very cool.
Post # 6
That is so sneaky of your grandparents but at least they offered to pay for their guest before they made demands of who should be invited. I agree with PP, talk this over with your SO and see if you guys are ok with the extra cash that comes with the extra guest attached.
Post # 7
oh. And you are not an arse for what you are feeling.
Post # 8
@miz fizzix: I totally hear you. (btw, you’re not an arse) Mr.ND’s folks are paying for our reception since they wanted a big one with all the family, etc, and we’d been planning a much smaller affair. It’s a bit awkward, I’m not going to lie. As long as you and the grandparents talk about the expectations clearly and lay it all out at the beginning, it might work out.
My tip: don’t wait until the $$ is already being spent to find out what they really want/expect…stuff gets messy.
Post # 9
Assuming you are stable enough without the money (even if a bit tight) I’d suggest politely decining, say you don’t need it, and then invite whoever you want.
Post # 10
If you are able to not use the money, I would just decline. You don’t want guilt and to be roped into things you don’t want just because they helped you out.
Post # 11
I don’t know. I would giggle at the little “manipulation” but I would probably appease my grandparents. That’s really sweet of them in a sneaky sort of way. It dosen’t bother your fiance and hey, just means more gifts for you!
Post # 12
I would be worried that it doesn’t stop at the guest list.
“Oh sweetie, that dress isn’t appropriate for a church ceremony! What do you mean, you don’t want a church ceremony? Just think about how much more beautiful those carnations will look like at the altar than at some hall. What do you mean, you don’t want carnations?” And so on.
Post # 13
It sounds great to have a bottomless fun but is it really worth it?
we are paying for everything ourselves which makes it so much easier to say “no sorry” not happening ppl. My mum has asked to invite a few extras and I have told her no, but she offered to pay for them so go for it. But it was for only 4 ppl and she cant add others.
You are not being an arse, if you can be honest with your grandparents tell them that your worried about losing control over your wedding if you dont pay. See what they say.
Post # 14
@miz fizzix: Then hold onto your ‘principles’ and decline their offer. Sounds simple enough to me.