Post # 1
I’ve been consistently used and cheated on in relationships since I started dating forever ago. Being used to that kind of treatment always makes me go to the “bad place” any time my current (amazing) boyfriend acts a little weird.
So today I asked him why he gets weird when I ask to use his phone or tablet. He handled it very well and wiped away my unjustified tears and told me there was nothing to worry about. This is the second time he’s had to do this. He then texted me later and said it bothered him that I think he’s being shady. Ajd rightfully so. I feel horrible for even bringing it up.
So my question is… how do I stop myself fearing the worst? He’s never given me a reason to doubt him and I don’t want to lose him over my fears.
Post # 2
pixelninja: ugh!!! I went through this when I first started dating DH. He was super patient with me. It took a lot of reassuring and one day I just stopped with the BS. I just basically kicked myself in the ass and realized that I could loose the best thing I have and ever will have, so I better cut the shit.
If you have no reason to doubt him, then you need to start catching yourself when you are about to have a “moment of insecurity” Bite your tongue when you are about to say something that will doubt him. (Not literally lol)
Post # 3
pixelninja: I think this is fairly common in those who have been hurt in the past. Healing this wound is really just going to take time and effort on your part. Maybe you could work on some of these issues with a therapist. It sounds like you have a supporting and caring SO, so when you start to worry, tell yourself that your fears are irrational and that they are only hurting you in the long run. There is no quick fix, you will need to work on your whole outlook to let yourself trust again.
Post # 4
Communicating more with him is a good start. Acknowledge and share with him when you’re having your feelings of insecurity. Instead of asking him why he gets “weird” when you ask to see his ipad (which makes the discussion about him and his behavior), explain that you sometimes have irrational, distrustful feelings (which makes the discussion about you and your behavior) and that the ipad privacy is a trigger. Going to see a therapist might be useful, too, because he needs to know that you trust him fully, and if you can’t feel that way or can’t communicate your feelings, it can hurt the relationship.
Post # 5
From someone who was cheated on and lied to for 4 years of marriage with ex-DH I completely understand what you feel. I agree with PP, try to work on some of these issues with a therapist. It did wonders for me and I will be forever grateful to myself for doing that. It takes time and patience. Hugs
Post # 6
Thank you all for the words of wisdom. I have been in counseling before and while I didn’t use the advice at the time, I did realize later I needed to get out and moved several states away when the opportunity arose. I will see what my insurance covers in the way of therapy and take advantage.
He really is an amazing man and I really have no idea why he wants to be with me.
Post # 7
Oh sweetie…he wants to be with you because you’re a wonderful woman! Allow your boyfriend to love you.
I remember a session with my therapist where I told her I had trouble depending on my husband and accepting his doting gestures. She said something that made me think: “After all of the abuse you have suffered, don’t you think you deserve it?”
I know how it feels to have trust issues. I am very cynical about human nature and it is hard to let my husband in sometimes. Thank God he loves me enough to gently nudge my emotional walls and show me even more love when I protect myself out of fear. My husband understands PTSD very well and I have a complex case of it due to multiple traumas.
Think about returning to counseling. It might help raise your self esteem.
Post # 8
This hits so close to home it’s like I have a second profile and wrote it myself! My ex cheated on me for the duration of our 3.5 year relationship and even now that I’m engaged I still have major trust issues even though they are completely unfounded. I have all my fiance’s passwords and have snooped and found nothing (I know, I know, I totally shouldn’t snoop, but it made me feel better!). One thing that has helped is that I used to always ask him “why do you love me?” or “how could you possibly know if you love me?” and it really hurt him. After a massive fight, I came up with a new tactic. Now, every time I’m feeling insecure in the relationship I’ll text him or tell him “I know you love me because…” and fill in with a reason. This lets him know his actions are appreciated and it reminds me that he (obviously) does love me!
As for the distrust, I think that begins to fade over time as you settle into your relationship, but there’s definitely no easy cure. Sometimes I have to talk myself down from the ledge as well!
Post # 9
I could have written this myself a few years ago – in fact, I basically did. I wrote in to this advice column, and I thought the reply I got was actually really helpful. Here it is, in hopes that it will be helpful for you, too!
The footnote to that is that I eventually did get over my insecurity. It took some time, and a lot of effort, but I knew it was worth it. And that amazing boyfriend is now my husband. 🙂 Also, feeling so insecure for me was in part a symptom of depression. It really began to improve when I got back on an anti-depressant. If that’s something that you’ve struggled with before, it might be time to think about whether that’s a factor in your feelings here.
Post # 10
That seems to be the thing I have the most trouble with; allowing someone to love me. I never knew what it was like to be in a healthy relationship so I usually push people away. I do not want this to be the case with him.
I do think counseling is a good option. I need a place to actually be forced to get my words out instead of bottling them up and misdirecting them at the one I care about the most.
As far as snooping, I think we have all done it a time or two when we knew there was no reason for it. Whether we found anything or not, we felt wretched about it. I’m trying not to go there now. It’s hard though.
I was on anti-depressants before and those just made me unable to feel anything. I never cried. Now I can’t seem to get through the month without one good crying jag. It’s getting better. At least I can feel. But I quit those because I found out that I have another medical condition that was causing the depression/anxiety. I’m on the right meds now, but the swings in either direction are still bad.
Thank you again to you that shared your experiences with this. It really means a lot to me that you are all in a better place mentally despite going through the same shit experiences I did. It means there’s hope for me yet.
I plan to talk to him when he gets home from work. I know he’s forgiven my little outburst, but I want to smooth things over and let him know that it really is ME, not him.
Post # 11
KatieBklyn: That response… WOW. Fears are wants. It makes sense… and I need to nip this in the bud right quick! Thank you for sharing that.
Post # 12
pixelninja: I do the same thing too. You just have to catch yourself and not let it slip out. Its hard but you just have to keep it in mind.
Post # 13
Counseling really helped for me. Both individual and pre-marital. Ihad some really deep rooted issues that triggered those feelings and it wasn’t until I worked through them that I realized how much they affect how I think and act today.
Post # 14
Thank you both! I will definitely look into counseling again. I am still having doubts even after the reassurance. There’s no reason for me to be thinking this way! I just want to move past my self consciousness and have a happy life with the man I love. 🙁
Post # 15
thankfully my husband lets me snoop any time I want and vice versa. We have an open password open technology rule that plays well but I’m fully open and so is he if we are snooping and we just laugh it off
when we do snoop, we try to find the triggers that led to the snooping and address those, I don’t think councelling is always needed as this works very well for DH and I. I haven’t snooped in ages and the last time I did was only because we were arguing a lot. Sometimes “snooping” is justified and both DH and I are aware of this and what everything online