I feel like FH is shutting me out

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@leenh78:  Sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way. I think that most relationships have their ups and downs, no relationship is always fabulous all the time. Maybe there’s something that you could do to spice things up a bit?! Surprise him with a fancy homemade meal by candlelight, or take him out one night. But the best advice of all is to simply talk to him! Tell him how you’re feeling. 

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@leenh78:  so sorry you guys are in a tough spot. my bf’s husband is trying to make partner at his law firm within the next few years and is in a similar work schedule. she’s told me that they schedule small “rendezvous” time with each other (which sounds totally unromantic), like when he comes home, they will immediately go for a walk together for half an hour and they even arrange for intimate time beforehand. i know it sounds bonkers, but if it’s something they know they’re going to do ahead of time, then it’s easier to make sure they find the time for it. they also go out together one night during the week and then also save a chunk of an afternoon or evening for each other during the weekend.

i would talk to him about it, too. if it’s really a problem i guess you could both discuss what all these extra hours are really providing for you as a couple. is the financial security worth it, what will it give you 5, 10 years from now? hope things get easier!

Post # 7
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I feel like you are writing about my SO! He has a very demanding job and a job that if he makes a mistake, people could lose their lives. He puts in so many hours and is so stressed. It was causing issues and I felt like you, I felt like he was distant and shutting me out. I mentioned it here and there and he was upset because he felt bad but was just so stressed. I decided that I could support him and let him know that I understand and just be positive about it. It has helped so much. I understand that sometimes he will be exhausted and need to do a 60 hour week but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me and when I am supportive, he makes a bigger effort to get more done so we can spend more time together. I would try to talk to him, not accuse him or yell at him, just let him know you understand he is exhausted but you miss him and ask what you can do. Maybe making his lunch one day a week or like PP said, making a wonderful dinner would be nice. 

It took a lot for me to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me when he is stressed and exhausted with work but I can help a lot by just listening to him when he needs to vent and telling him I appreciate all he does and am proud of him – and I know that because we talked and he told me. 

It will work itself out – like PP said, just talk to him. : )

Post # 8
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@leenh78:  i can understand working a lot (even at home) because i did it.  i’m sure he just wants to get ahead in his career.

what i think the two of you need is a scheduled date night once a week.  it doesn’t have to be the same day every week or even too long.  it can be dinner, a movie or just a walk through the park with some ice cream.  the point is to set aside some time for one another without interuptions.  a time where the two of you can talk.

Post # 11
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

For the sake of your relationship, perhaps you could learn to be “the type” to initiate intimacy? After working all day I’m sure he’s tired emotionally, mentally, physically and he would probably appreciate you initiating something. Listen to what he’s telling you – he likes the peace and quiet – so maybe just snuggling up to him on the couch, not trying to initate a serious conversation, and giving him a back rub, rubbing his leg, scratching his head, etc. would get him to open up physically to you? 

Post # 13
Member
1491 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you and your husband need to start scheduling a date night, date afternoon, just some you and him “couple” time, where work will not intrude.  Even if its just like, go out, grab a drink and some appetizers.  Even maybe go do an activity that both of you enjoy, or that he enjoys.  Something to shake him a bit out of the work rut and give you both some you and him time… so its not just talking, but actively enjoying each others company.  Just bring it up to him like “I miss hanging out with you doing other stuff, and I think its important to our relationship that we continue to connect…what do you think about spending X afternoon doing B and Z?”  

Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee

@leenh78:  I totally don’t think you are being selfish at all by saying that. I felt the same way and when I said it, I was not given a great response either. I think it was because he felt I was saying I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t doing something. I have learned it is all in the way you word things. Certain words set my SO off or make him feel guilty.

I am really bad about setting date nights and SO is not a planner. It actually makes him super anxious and causes him stress (does the opposite for me but whatever lol). I just try to make sure he knows that I appreciate all his hard work and am so proud of him. Maybe make his favorite meal or find something that you both love to do together and plan for that. I found that when I tell him I feel like we aren’t talking much or I tell him I need some romance, it makes things worse – as hard as it is, I try to show him some romance and talk to him and let him vent. Just this morning he told me that he has a project due Friday so he may be a little more distant this week but not to worry and because I know that, I will try my best not to get all “girl” as we like to call it, and freak out. My SO is also obsessed with this (and I can’t believe I am saying – well writing this out loud) card came called Magic. I think it is stupid but I see why he loves it and I have noticed that if he plays a little over the weekend he does better during the week so I sucked it up last weekend and asked him to play. He looked like a kid on christmas morning. He was so excited and we played and spent that time together. Yes, not doing something I love – but doing something he loves and so he kind of got to de-stress and play his game but also spend time with me and I was happy because we may or may not have turned the last round into strip Magic. : )

Like PP said, relationships have ups and downs and this is just one of those times. Talking about it and finding a way for your both to be happy as individuals and together during tough times will help in the future so when work gets rough, you won’t feel like he is shutting you out ya know? 

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