Post # 1
Yesterday FI and I attended my friend’s wedding. It was beautiful and so much fun. The couple are super affectionate toward each other and you could tell that their families really got along well too. Everything was going great until we got home, when FI was acting very weird and quiet. He didn’t want to tell me details because he said he was a bit drunk, but basically was saying he was “confused” and giving me the general impression that our wedding wouldn’t be as fun as that one.
So I waited until this morning to discuss it again. I am already a bit bummed because I agree with him that our wedding will probably not be as good. For one, we don’t have the budget for it, and another is that our families have issues, not everyone gets along, and our actual families haven’t even met yet.
Then FI was telling me that he thinks we need to “work on our relationship” because we don’t show much affection in front of others. I guess I just feel bummed out because I know he is comparing us to the couple that got married yesterday. I agree we could show more affection in public, but I feel like he cares too much about what other people think about our relationship.
He also said it’s “scary” to think about getting a mortgage and being stuck in the same place for the next 20 years. He suddenly is “scared” by the thought of having kids and “having no life” for years afterward. He wants to pick up and travel the world.
Sorry this is so long. He says that he still wants to get married and it’s just that there are things we need to work on. I can’t help feeling that he’s getting cold feet. Does anyone have any advice or experiences to share? I’m just feeling bummed out in general
Post # 3
I think this is normal and each of these need to be addressed as different problems, but it is overwhelming to think of them as one- which is where he is
1) The “fun” aspect- fun is not determined by money spent. Remind him that. Ask him what he thinks will make it more fun. Maybe its something specific and you can do that.
Your wedding is still far off, can you have both parents over for a “get to know you dinner”? so they have met?
2) Public affection. Ask him if he thinks your relationship is not as strong, would he feel its stronger by more PDA? Maybe the lack of PDA to him is a symptom. Ask him specifically what he would like and try to work on it.
3) Mortgage- no one said you have to get one right away. Remind him that you will only buy when you are both comfortable
4) Kids- see marriage. Also discuss ways you two will ensure to have a “life” outside of kids when you have them. Going into it with a plan can make it a lot less scary.
Good Luck! I wouldnt see this as cold feet so much as a great time to talk about things to make your future even better and stronger.
Post # 4
@lefeymw: Thanks for making me feel a bit better 🙂 I understand that there are totally things we can work on. I guess it was just a bit shocking to me that the PDA thing was so important to him. When I found out he thinks our relationship is somewhat less because I’m not like that, it made me feel really inadequate and kinda insecure. I need to work on that.
Post # 5
I think about this scary stuff all the time! I am going to assume everyone does. I think commitment and marriage are scary concepts. But i don’t think that means he wants to call off anything.
Give him a day. Go do something fun together!
Post # 6
@Mollytov: Thanks so much, I’m literally tearing up with relief that two people have told me this is normal. I guess I need to chill out a bit. We’re leaving in about an hour for my birthday bbq…so it will hopefully provide some fun to distract us!
Post # 7
@MademoiselleL: In relationships, we have to keep telling our partners what we need. Don’t freak out, doubts are normal but listen to him. Hold his hand lots tonight! Look at him adoringly (try to look natural when you do this!) And have fun!