Post # 1
My future in laws are paying for the rehearsal dinner, but not the wedding. The wedding is being paid for by my mother and myself. Still, I have overheard conversations between Future Mother-In-Law and my Fiance that sort of bother me. Here is an example:
Future Mother-In-Law: Are you inviting all of your friends from X program?
Fiance: No. Jackndiane says that we don’t have any room on the guest list to invite them and that we are already at our max.
Future Mother-In-Law: You really need to invite them. Maybe just don’t send them the save the dates. Jackndiane is going to be surprised at how many peoople RSVP “no” after the save the dates go out. You can put them on your “B” list and invite them then.
So, then Fiance comes back to me and says that Future Mother-In-Law thinks these people should be invited and that he won’t send save the dates but if a low number of “yes’ come in, then he wants to send them invites. I don’t like creating a “b” list and I also don’t like this strategy because I have calculated our maximum as being 80% of the amount already invited. In other words, there really is no room for a “B” list.
I want honesty: am I overreacting?
Post # 3
No, you aren’t overreacting. It’s your wedding, and you and your mother are paying for it. If your Future Mother-In-Law wants these people there so badly, then she should pay for them to be there.
Post # 4
@jackndiane: No, you’re not over-reacting. I would have a chat with Fiance though, so that he is not saying “jackndiane” says this, but “we” have decided this., or “we” are at our max.
Post # 5
No. And no explaination needed either. Next time Future Mother-In-Law asks, tell your Fiance not to pin it on you either. It should be a joint decision and he should her in a way that makes it clear that both you and he decided that there will be no B list and you have invited everyone you both want to already.
Post # 6
@pinkshoes: @creativeplannertobee: Thanks. I didn’t even stop to think about it, but you’re right- he did not use the word “we.” I guess I do feel like I am being pinned as the bad guy
Post # 7
@jackndiane: He may have not thought about it either, but if he starts now with “we” it will be more helpful to you should anything else come up that she is less than happy about. lol.
Post # 8
Tell your fiance to pay for them.
Post # 9
I don’t think you are over reacting, but I’m curious how you came about your guest list. Did you assign everyone a number of people they can invite? If you did, just ask them who they would like to take off to make room.
Post # 10
@KH: The guest list has been expanded multiple times. It is now around 185 people. Fiance family invited about 10 more people than my mom and Fiance has invited 30 more “friends” than I have (that is not counting our mutual friends and acquaintances. It is people he is friends with who I have never met.). So, it is not an “even split” but the split already favors Fiance and FI’s parents. That said, I hate thinking of it in terms of FI’s list versus my list. But, really, he already wants to invite everyone he has ever met!
ETA: I tried assigning everyone a number, but that blew up in my face. There was a lot of “but I HAVE to invite all of these people.” So, I was psyched when I thought it was settled around 185.
Post # 11
No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or overreacting, and it seems like you have a really good handle on your finances. It’s also silly to invite more people or do more at your wedding than you can afford.
I see the possible bigger issue as the “”Jackndiane” versus “we” versus comment by your Fiance. If he isn’t clear on the budget and all the particulars about it, I think it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about it and why it is where it is and the importance of keeping costs within the budget responsibly. And even if he isn’t clear about why things are happening, going about things as a united front is still going to save you both some headaches (and fights!) in the long run. I have a difficult mom, and whenEVER she mentions anything about the wedding, Fiance and I try to make sure we always appear on the same side (even if we’re thinking in our heads…”wtf, when / why did he / she decide that??). It’s saved us a lot of trouble so far.
Post # 12
@kate02121: I think the bigger problem is that he seems to think that my mother is not being generous enough and that my mother could easily afford to feed more people. I don’t know. The whole situation aggravates me and I get upset every time it comes up. But, yes, you are right. We do need to sit down and discuss it
Post # 13
I don’t think you’re overreacting when you feel annoyed at this whole situation. I HATE it when I have a certain plan and other people try to change my plan.
However, you could just let him make a B-list just to make him and his mom feel better and then nothing will happen when, after you get your RSVPs back, you’re already maxed out. At least Future Mother-In-Law isn’t FORCING you to invite those people like…right NOW. So it’s kind of like both sides winning. Future Mother-In-Law thinks that she’s getting her way because those guests are on a “B-list” and you still win because you know that in all likeliness, you won’t have to invite them because you’ll already be at capacity!
Post # 14
@jackndiane: It sounds like FI is taking advantage of your mother’s generosity. She doesn’t HAVE to pay for anybody. If it is that important to him he should pay for it.
Post # 15
I completely get it! We paid for our own wedding, my Darling Husband and his family had 144 people attend (about 90% had to travel) and I had 48 (only 12 of which traveled). To his parents, it was a status thing, they had to have a big, elaborate wedding, even if they weren’t paying for it. We even have to have a second reception with another 120 people to appease his mom (she paid for that one, but the morning after demanded all of the gifts as compensation).
The guest list is the hardest part of planning, and only you know what situation will work best (who pays and if it is acceptable to even tell his family to pay for their guests).
Just remember, that you are being as generous as you possibly can be (and i hope not going into debt!). You should feel very proud of yourself that you are contributing so much to your wedding! You must work very hard for your paycheck, and your FS is very lucky to have such a self reliant and kind hearted fiance.
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
I have never replied to a Save the Date aside from maybe writing a note in the online guestbook that was on the wedding website.
I agree with PPs about the united front. 🙂