Post # 1
So, I know this is going to sound overly emotional…because I am right now! It’s after midnight, my husband is sound asleep and I’m awake replaying what my next move should be over and over in my head. I don’t have insurance right now, so I can’t go see my counselor like I normally would do…please hive, I need your help!
My husband and I met 2 1/2 years ago on a dating site. One of his girl friends signed him up because she felt he needed to start dating again after being single for almost a year. She found me on the site and told him I was his perfect match…low and behold, she was right! We are perfect for each other. I truly love him and know that he loves me. But, this damn chick keeps getting in the way. She is always a ton of drama and is very insecure. Because she is so insecure she feels the need to have a nickname for every guy in the group that somehow involves her. She has her husband (actual), her boyfriend, her best, her lover, etc. It’s always bugged me because she calls my husband best and insists he call her best back. From the begginning I told him this bugged me and he said he would stop…but he didn’t. She would do it ALL the time in front of friends and several people brought it up to me that they also felt it was weird. We got in a few arguments about it and then I brought it up in our premarital counseling. He agreed it was inappropriate to call another girl his best, when he is about to marry me. He said he wouldn’t do it again.
Fast forward 2 months…We randomly start talking about her and I told him I had noticed he stopped calling her best and that really meant a lot to me that he had respected my feelings. He again said it was just something stupid that he did to make her happy, but that it was more important to make me happy.
Fast forward 3 weeks…We were on our honeymoon in a place with no cell reception. My husband was taking a shower and I was looking at pictures on his phone that we took during the trip. After those pictures were a few others and then a screen shot of a weird conversation he was having with one of his buddies. I wanted to see what else they wrote (yes I’m nosey but we both have said to each other that we don’t mind if the other reads our text messages, emails etc.) In the text is one referring to his “best.” I could tell he wasn’t talking about me and so I went and looked at his texts from his friend. Sure enough he had called her best a few times during the conversations in the last few weeks. Which means even after he had talked to me and heard how much it meant to me that he wasn’t calling some other girl his best, he was still doing it! To me that is even worse than just calling her best! Now he is lying to me about it! The thing that scares me the most is that he is so blatantly lying to me about something. Does that mean he is lying about other things that he doesn’t think are a big deal?!? We have always had very open communication in our relationship and I’m dying to talk to him about this, but I just know I’m too damn emotional to talk about it right now. Please hive, help me out! Am I being crazy?!?
Post # 3
I don’t have much to say in the way of advice or anything… but I’m sorry you are going through this. Hugs
Post # 4
No, I dont think you’re crazy. Your strong to not shake his ass up and starting asking him queations. Hopefully when you do talk to him, he will have some answers for you that can explain his actions.
Post # 5
I can understand being upset, definitely. Have you talked to him about this? From an outside perspective, it seems like he’s trying to appease both of you. Is he very close to this other woman? She very well may be his best friend, but I don’t know. Would you feel this upset if he called a male friend his best? Do they have a romantic history? If she truly is his bes friend, he may have just gotten into the habit of calling her that [old habits die hard], or his friends may not know her as anything else. I know my Fiance had nicknames for all his friends, and maybe your man did the same?
I don’t know the whole siuation, obviously, so I can’t say how I’d react. I do know that I would be upset about him lying to me, and I would definitely talk to him about it.
Post # 6
@TriciaAndDazzling: No, she is not his best friend. In fact, he talks shit on her ALL the time! It’s his best friends wife though, which he says is the only reason he puts up with her. That’s why it bugs me so much. If he truly doesn’t like this girl like he says, why would he care more about her feelings than mine? They never had a romantic history, although I KNOW she wanted him, and I have a feeling still does. She did everything in her power to break us up in the beginning. She even told me several times she thought she would end up with him…it was a very awkward conversation to say the least. And no, he doesn’t have nicknames for any of his other friends. I know it doesn’t help that I already don’t like this girl and socialize with her often anyway for his sake. But, I think this would bug me even if I liked the girl. Her calling him best doesn’t bother me at all, because I KNOW he is the best!
My biggest issue here is with the fact that he lied to me. Looked me in the eye and told me exactly what I wanted to hear. It makes me wonder how many other times he has lied to me. I always thought we had a very open relationship when it came to telling the other how we feel. And now, I’m wondering how many other times he has lied to me…the more I type the more I realize I’m just going to insist we pay the money and go see our counselor, even if it’s just once to talk through this problem…
Post # 7
I agree definitly bring it up in counseling.A lie is a lie…My fiance had a girl that was his best friend mainly because she was in love with him and he just wanted to be friends.It’s annoying.He rarely speaks to her now because he knows I was tired of her and her nonsense.you are right,her feelings are irrelevant,if u dislike the nickname he shouldn’t use it.period.
Post # 8
Honestly, I think you’re being unreasonable. Friends calling each other best is not sexual or romantic or anything, and he’s stopped doing it in front of you so that you won’t be offended by it. I’m sorry but sometimes the only thing to do when someone is unreasonable is lie to them about it, or maybe he was just feeling too much pressure from her to stop without hurting her feelings and causing problems with his friend. I say this because I’ve been in the opposite situation (my annoying friend and my controlling partner) and it sucks, it’s not so easy to just side with your partner.
Post # 9
I hate to say this, but I think it is a bit of an over-reaction. That being said, I remember when I was dating someone and a girl he was friends with always called him– daily– like I did. There were other things she did that seemed…. too much, but I used THIS as my point of contention because it was the easier to say “SHE CALLS YOU TOO DAMNED MUCH” than it was to say “She leans in when you talk and giggles too much when you tell a joke, and brushes your arm too often”. Is there perhaps more things this girl is doing, beyond this, that bothers you? It seems like she might be a major flirt.
I say that if it is just the nickname, I think he is trying to keep everyone happy by calling her “best” behind your back. Is it the best choice? Probably not, but it is what he is doing. If it is more than the nickname and a “feeling”, start really looking into that feeling. I doubt he is cheating or has a crush on her, but she certainly might have a thing for him, regardless of being married.
If she really makes you uncomfortable, I think you need to talk to HER about it too. “Sally, I know you are only friends with John, but it really makes me uncomfortable how you have a nickname with him. I know it might not seem like much to you, but it really does bother me. John agreed that he would stop, so could you as well?”
Post # 10
Make up an acronym for BEST (beginning with the “b” word) that you can associate with her and that may help. Obviously she isn’t his “best” because you’re his wife. You could talk with her and tell her to back off of your husband or you may start honing in on hers and she how she’d like that.
I can see why you’re upset. Put a stop to it. But don’t jump on your husband too hard, he’s between a rock and a hard place since she’s his best friend’s wife. He may not can stand her, though, but I doubt he takes it too seriously what she thinks. Don’t let something so stupid and petty come between you two. She would LOVE that. 😉
ETA: For example: Bitch Egotisical Stupid Trashy (haha!!)
Post # 11
Sorry, but this whole situation is just strange. If your hubby doesn’t want to call her his “best” then he needs to grow a pair and tell her she is being ridiculous and he will not call her that anymore. Keeping up this behavior after you have repeatedly told him it makes you uncomfortable is disrespectful to you, no matter if he is just doing it to “keep her happy” or not.
Post # 12
maybe this is going to sound like crazy talk, but…. why don’t you actually confront him about catching him in a lie? I mean, you have proof. If he gets on you about nosing about in his phone, remind him that he said he didn’t mind you reading his texts.
and don’t just ‘surprise’ him at couples councelling. that’s dirty and not productive at all.
Post # 13
How does HER husband feel about this? I wouldn’t like my Darling Husband calling another woman Best, but at the same time I guess it depends on the situation. Just one thing to watch out for (which might not be in your case at all, but just a headsup), sometimes I feel like when guys talk bad about someone else (specifically another woman), they are trying to get you to think they really don’t like that person when maybe there is something else there. I’m not trying to get you worked up, but I’ve just seen this happen a few times and noticed you said he talks bad about her all the time, so I thought maybe this might be the reason. Good luck, sorry you’re in this messy situation.
Post # 14
@catnip: agree with you.
OP, my ex lied to me for 2 years about something, and when I found that out, I think it was worse than finding out he cheated. I just can’t believe he could tell me he loved me and wanted tos pend the rest of his life with me, all the while lying to my face. Everyone apparently knew but me, which really pissed me off. I lost a lot of respect for a lot of people after that.
I just can’t see lying to your spouse. If it were me, I’d definitely say something about it
Post # 15
Maybe that’s the only way that friend really knows who he’s talking about? He wasn’t calling her that name to her and maybe when he said he stopped calling her that, he wasn’t thinking about a text message to one of his guy friends….ask him about it.
Post # 16
She sounds like a head case, so don’t get on her level by getting upset about this. Tell your husband that you know he still calls her that, tell him it’s creepy, and then don’t spend any more time worrying about this insecure crazy-face.