Post # 1
FI and I got engaged last March, moved across the country in June, and are now over halfway through the wedding planning. However, I feel like I have made almost every single decision by myself and I have not had hardly ANY help from FI. FMIL, my mom and a few others have stepped in to help with some things, but every time I try to bring up aspects of wedding planning to FI he comes across as not caring less. And he swears it is because I don’t ask him at the right times and don’t remind him enough. I will ask him to do something and then two weeks later it is still not done, and with everything that I am dealing with myself for the wedding it really makes me angry. When I mention that he acts disinterested, he says that I need to come to him prepared, with all of the different options laid out, so that we can look at them and pick one together. That is fine, but that means that I have to put in tons of effort researching and writing this whole dissertation about our options and he barely has to lift a finger to pick one!! I know that I am over-exaggerating, but all of these little things adding up really makes me angry and we have been fighting WAY more than normal lately about this. We hardly ever have fights, but on the way to work this morning we had a big one about this and we had another one over the weekend and I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be appreciated…or if you are going through something similar and feel the need, vent away!
Post # 2
blushblossom91: I have a few suggestions if you haven’t tried these already-
I found that giving my DH options was helpful, but not quite the way you described. Instead of me going out and researching all the options like mad, laying them out in front of him, explaining each option, and having him just choose one, I would involve him in the “research” process. I would ask him his preferences, which would then help *me* narrow down my research. Example: when looking at venues, I started big: “indoor wedding or outdoor?” and asked him to choose which he would like best and we would discuss/come to a compromise. Then I narrowed by location – “In x state near my family, or in x state near your family, or in x state where we currently live?”, then by amount of work we would need to do “All inclusive or DIY affair?” etc etc etc. From there, I could find options that fit within those constraints, come up with like 3 final options, and we discussed them together and chose one. This works for everything – colors, flowers, decor, etc. It helped my DH understand the process a bit and appreciate all the work that goes into wedding planning, and helped him feel included from the very beginning.
Also, try delegating small, specific tasks and set a clear “due date”. Giving your FI something big like “figure out flowers” is totally overwhelming, but something like “send the florist the deposit by xx date” is much easier. I used an app on my phone and could share to-do lists with my DH. I made sure that when we both got home from work, I would let him know that I added things to the to-do list, and quickly explain them. I could also see when he checked things off the list. Also, before we left in the morning, I would ask him to do one or two things that day: “Honey, could you order your groomsmen’s ties and send out the deposit for the rental chairs? Thanks!!”
And I will shamelesly admit that I “trained” my DH with sex. Sometimes when he had been helpful planning (and in the beginning, I had to start small with my expectations), I would reward him lol. “DH, I REALLY appreciate you helping me deal with centerpieces today, its so nice that you help me plan our wedding, etc…” and then… well you get the idea. It definitely made him more interested in helping out, that’s for sure! 😀