I feel like I really screwed up. Advice, support? (Long!)

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
2243 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Well… there are TONS of ladies on here that time BD well & still don’t get pregnant. As for thinking you pressured him, it seems more like a nudge in the right direction. I don’t think he will resent your child because he wouldn’t have stopped being careful if that was part of his thinking.

I think this is a good thing for you guys. Don’t feel guilty! I know this kid’s going to get all the love it needs!!! Totally understand the 2nd thoughts though… The 2 cycles we were TTC I couldn’t help wondering if I had made the right decision.

Post # 4
Member
1449 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Well. Did you tell DH that if he didn’t pull out things could happen? When we were TTA we would only use condoms in my FW. And if DH got too frisky he’d ask if it was ok or not. I let him make the decision. Did your DH know it was possible? If so I think you are blaming yourself for nothing. It takes two to tango. I’d take it one day at a time at this point. You only have a 20% chance if EVERYTHING is working any given month so. And in the grand scheme of things, if something does happen, 6 months isn’t a huge difference. We aren’t talking years. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
3756 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

FI and I were NTNP for a few months with the thinking that I’m not getting any younger, why not go for it. But we definitely had our “we’re not ready” moments. It was getting close to the window where I didn’t want to get pregnant anymore due to the wedding coming up, and I told FI that I was thinking about changing our tactic. TTA instead of TTC. Little did I know, I was already pregnant. Once you get that BFP nothing else matters. Now IS the right time. But if you by chance don’t get it this month, then have the conversation about when you want to start trying again and agree that you are both on the same page. Good luck to you!!

Post # 6
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

What! I don’t think you screwed up at ALL! You brought up trying this month, he said okay, he admitted that he was still nervous!

It really doesn’t sound like you browbeat him or anything!

You probably won’t get a BFP after only once cycle, but if you do, I’m sure you will BOTH be ecstatic!

Post # 7
Member
1973 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Mrs.LemonDrop:  I don’t think you need to feel bad lady! Was he aware that you could get pregnant? Did he make the choice on his own not to pull out? If he was aware of what time of the month it was and decided not to pull out that is on him. You did all that you could between keeping him in the loop about your cycle and telling him you were ok with waiting. Even with perfect timing there is a good chance of not being pg anyways, and in the long run, unless he flat out decides he doesn’t want kids I am sure that years down the road it won’t be so important to him exactly when your kids were conceived, but rather that you have them.

Post # 8
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Mrs.LemonDrop:  i don’t think you need to beat yourself up over this. it sounds like he knew it was your FW and he chose not to pull out.

to answer your questions- Any freakouts after “pulling the trigger?”  this is our 4th cycle TTC and i still have a freak out moment every month thinking “omg are we making the right decision??”.

And any experiences of timing BD so well and still not getting a BFP? we’ve timed BD perfectly and still no BFP.

i know it’s easier said than done, but don’t worry about anything until you know if you’re KU. i think it’ll all work out and if you get a BFP, your DH is going to be excited not resentful.

Post # 9
Member
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. DH has always been nervous about starting a family. We talked about our timeline constantly and there were always reasons to wait. But, at the same time, we were doing it without protection for almost a year. Nothing had happened so far but I think I was subconciously TTA. It’s hard to say really because we were long distance for a little bit because of work and then my cycles are so whacked out. 

Anyway, I got a really good handle of tracking and what not by January. Then in Feb, around our anniversary, I knew I was entering into my fertile window. I warned DH multiple times. He knew the risks but we still did it. Then, immediately after, I got a new job that would force us to be long distance again for a good 5 months…. so of course, I got a BFP. 

This pregnancy is probably the worst timing EVER. But, DH is surprisingly ok with it. He said we just had to close our eyes and pull the trigger. If we had kept waiting until he was “comfortable”, it would have NEVER happened. He’s still nervous as hell and completely stressed out about the timing of everything – but he’s excited. He’s going to be a daddy!

So  maybe that is what is sort of swirling around in the back of your DH’s head. He’s still nervous because it’s a big change, and life will always throw things at you to screw with the timing, but he’s still willing to go for it. Sometimes you just have to take that leap. 

Post # 11
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If by chance you do end up pregnant (and it looks like you might), just move on. There is nothing we can do to change the past. You will both be happier and in the grand scheme of things it will all work out. What’s 6 months going to change? He wants to be there for it all? If it happens, do the skype thing and remind him he’s actually a lucky guy to get to miss the first bit of morning sickness, gas and moodiness. You can even do the skype thing from your phone when you get ultra sounds if you would like.

I know it’s not ideal but if you are PG, just make the best of the situation and forget about the past.

Post # 12
Member
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you pushed him at all. He could have pulled out as normal but he decided not to. DH and I sort of had something like this where we were planning to try later and in May, he decided he wanted to forgo protection. After we decided to just let go and see what happens, I kind of freaked out and stopped us from BDing on better days within the window. But that apparently didn’t matter because now I’m pregnant. My DH doesn’t think I pushed him into it because we were planning to TTC soon and it was his decision, not mine, to stop using protection. Once he saw the positive, he was excited and happy! 

Post # 13
Member
4867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It doesn’t sound like either of you screwed up, it actually just sounds like both of you were trying really hard to put what the other person wants first! Worked out a bit strange, but that’s okay =)

 

If you do end up pregnant this month I’m sure, like he said, he’ll be excited about it though there may be some initial shock. I know how that feels – DH and I pulled the goalie a few months before we originally planned because we figured it would take a while and I was so anxious to start trying, the next day he had a ‘maybe I’m not ready’ freakout, then the next day he was fine again…and two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test! And after saying holy shit about 20 times each, we were both super excited!

Post # 14
Hostess
8725 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think you screwed up at all! You said he’d be thrilled if it happened this month, that means that you are both on the same page. Maybe a little off on the paragraphs, but you are working together and talking it out!  I think that if you are KU this month, he’s going to be more than thrilled.  🙂

I’m trying not to push my DH into anything either, and mine seems to be much more defensive and hard to talk to about it, whereas yours is willing, which automatically tells me that he’s okay with this.  🙂

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