Post # 1
I love my SO deeply. We have been together three years and are very happy together. We do not live together, although I’m planning to move into his house in August 2012, after I graduate from grad school. For the first 2 years of our relationship, we were pretty in sync as far as maturity goes. I was always a bit more mature emotionally, but we both liked to go out a lot and party. We started dating at 20/21, so we spent a lot of time with our mutual group of friends going to parties/bars.
I started grad school last year and REALLY slowed down. Physically & emotionally, I’m just not in that phase anymore. I’ll go out every so often, but it’s more of a special occasion thing these days. My SO, on the other hand, has slowed down somewhat, but we’re definitely in two different modes. He still goes out most weekends and gets drunk. It hasn’t caused a problem in our relationship — I don’t go out with him most of the time because I can’t stand drunk people when I’m sober 😛 He still makes time for me and we spend a great deal of time together. He’s mature in other ways (he owns a house, holds down 2 jobs and is an all-around great guy), but now that I’m starting to envision this man as my future husband, I suppose I worry.
I’m fine with us being at different places right now, but I’m just hoping that when the time comes to become more serious, he calms down. He has slowed down since we met, just not as quickly as I seemed to.
Anyway, I’d love to hear from some Bees who’ve seen the other side of this. Have you experienced a lag time between “phases” in your life? I know that this is not a time to be getting engaged since we’re clearly not in the same place, but I’m hoping we’ll get there at some point 🙂
Post # 3
I feel like my husband and I are on some different levels when it comes to certain things. With kids – he wants to wait, I want one now, lol. He’s mature in some areas but some – like wanting to go out or play video games – he is immature. I got all the partying out of my sister in college. I’m done lol. So yeah, I understand but it can work! We both realize that we are in different areas on some things and don’t push the issues unless its something thats important.
Post # 4
@missshayona: Thanks. I’m a total worry wort and also very careful with my heart, so sometimes I get hung up on the tiniest differences between us! It doesn’t really bother me that he parties, as long as it doesn’t end up getting in the way of our relationship.
Post # 5
I was ready to get engaged about 2 years ago. I was REALLY ready about 1 year ago. He proposed 3 months ago, just before I was about to completely lose my cool entirely. So yeah, in that sense, our phases didn’t really match up. But he’s an awesome guy and I knew it would come eventually so I was mostly patient. 😛
And now I talk about kids in 3 years and he wants to push it to 6, haha. Ohhh it’s the same routine all over again!
I mean, I’m sure that couples maturing at different speeds is the norm. Couples who find themselves ready for changes in their lives at the exact same time should consider themselves lucky!!
Post # 6
“he owns a house, holds down 2 jobs and is an all-around great guy”
Sounds mature to me!
Just because someone likes to go out and drink doesn’t mean they aren’t mature. It’s just that some people outgrow this and others still find it fun even as they get older. I am a responsible 30 year old adult with a career, a house, a car, etc and I like going out and drinking on the weekends. Granted, I don’t frequent the same places as 21 year olds do, but I still do drink on the weekends.
You already said that it doesn’t interfere with your relationship, so I don’t see it as a problem.
Post # 7
@Lt.Columbo: You’re completely right. I struggled with that wording for a while and ultimately never find the right way to put it. He is very mature. We just have totally different attitudes on drinking now. Because it’s a recent change (as in.. I used to join him most of the time), I’m just adjusting to it.
Post # 8
I can definitely relate, especially since my SO is younger than me…..by 3 years! He was more eager about marriage and children earlier on before I knew he was the one. Now that I know, he has fallen back a bit and I’m the one desiring those things moreso. I hope we can get on he same pag specifically regarding engagement and kids very soon!
With regard to other things, its the same way. I’m more responsible than him and better at managing my money. He plays video games, watches sports, and drinks beer ALL the time. Luckily he has a good job and is finishing school (which btw I finished at 21 while he’ll be finished at 25). Funny enough, I go out a lot more than he does and he’s a homebody so that evens things out a bit.
I feel like in a lot of ways he keeps me young, but in other ways it’s frustrating that he’s not where I am. But I have to remind myself he is very mature in many ways, especially when it comes to relationships and communication, and the pros outweight the cons. He treats me better than any other man I’ve ever dated and I know a guy with a heart like his is hard to find. So I’ll just be patient until he does finally mature a little more (not counting on much, lol).
Post # 9
I also think this is totally normal, and I’ve gone through it with my Fiance as well – so I know how frustrating it can be, but I also know that it is (or should be) transitory. I met my Fiance in my last year of college, and we were were at pretty much the same level in term of being socially active and partying. Then I started law school, and I slowed way down, and during that time, in his last year of college and then afterwards when he wasn’t working any particularly demanding jobs, he for some reason felt like he needed to party it up all the time. And it was weird for awhile because I was like, “Ok…who are you?” But he was taking advantage of all the freedom and personal time he had due to where he was at in life. More recently, since he has been in law school, he has been partying much less, though he still has a pretty active social life, and since starting my job I have started going out a little more because of my coworkers, and Fiance and I have been able to make more time to go out together.
So I think this is definitely normal, and as long as your Fiance makes time for you, and as long as you feel you can talk to him and he’ll respect it if you ask him to slow down occasionally and just hang with you at home, it won’t be a problem. I know it’s tempting to worry that you’re going to be married to someone who goes barhopping every weekend for the next 30 years, but I’m betting he doesn’t plan to keep this up for the rest of his life (honestly it’s just too tiring, IMO!)