Post # 1
So I have three bridesmaids. One was actually my closet friend in college. Since we graduated, we’ve barely spoken or hung out. When this was a pretty recent scenario, I asked her if she’d be my one of my bridesmaids and she seemed really excited. She went on to get a job and I went to grad school (a year and a half ago). Now I feel like we only speak if I contact her and we only make plans if I initiate them. I feel frustrated and hurt because the phone goes both ways and I don’t feel anymore like she is interested in being my friend. I understand that life happens and people get busy, but it really hurts my feelings that she can’t even seem to think, “hm, I’m a bridesmaid in this friend’s wedding. We haven’t talked in like, 3 months. I wonder if she’s alive. Maybe I’ll take 30 seconds to send a text.” I almost want to ask her if she is even willing to be a bridesmaid anymore. It’s not like I expect her to do anything other than show up to the wedding related events (she lives less than a mile from me so it’s not like she’d have to travel and I’m not making them buy an expensive dress).
What do you bees think of the situation?
Post # 3
Some people are not good at keeping in touch. One of my best friends rarely initiates calls or texts to me. Every time I talk to her she’ll have a ton of things she’s “been meaning to tell me” and she works months on crafty presents for Christmas and my birthday. She’s just not into phone contact, that’s just the way she is.
Maybe your friend is just really busy and is worried she won’t be much help with the wedding. I would start by getting back in touch with her on a friendly basis which means no wedding talk. Why don’t you two go out for a girl’s night?
Post # 4
I’d feel the same way if I were in your shoes. It kinda feels like the friendship is all one-sided or that she only really wants to hang out if it’s convenient for her.
I dunno. I feel for you though. I’m not quite sure you could ask her to step down as a bridesmaid because that would be the final nail in the coffin for the friendship.
But I think it would be a good thing to take her aside, go for a coffee and tell her how you’ve felt lately. That you’re coming up to a big milestone event in your life and that you feel you’ve been drifting apart and that you’d really love to be in touch more? In a non-confrontational way.
Post # 5
@AlwaysSunny: Thanks for responding- I really appreciate it. I’ve tried to initiate girls nights that are entirely not wedding related. I don’t think that the wedding is what is deterring her, but I don’t know. Maybe she just really isn’t good at maintaining contact like you said.
Post # 6
@Vitana: Yeah, I agree that asking her to step down as a bridesmaid is probably the final nail in the coffin. I may bring it up to her, but I worry she’ll just be defensive and like “Well I work. I’m busy!” Which is true. I just finished school a month ago and am looking for work. But the thing is, when I was in school I was extremely busy- not on a 9-5 schedule, but I’d be in class all day and then working from 10pm-3am on schoolwork. I think if people really care they can make it work. I still reached out when I was in academic hell. It just hurts my feelings, ya know? Thanks for the suggestion. I really appreciate it!
Post # 7
@DuckEBee: I know all too well how you feel. The exact same thing happened to me… and it didn’t end well. I did ask my bridesmaid to step down (well, she had no choice.. she didn’t order her dress on time and would have needed to pay late fees). Didn’t talk to her for months after this until before the wedding when she called asking if I still wanted her there – I invited her. I said yes, of course. Well, she didnt’ come… It crushed me, to say the least. I texted her telling her I understood and she never replied. So I guess we’re done.
You could try asking her if she really wants to be in the wedding and maybe she’d give you a straight up answer. Tell her that you’re confused about her lack of communication, and are just wondering if this is still something she wants to be a part of.
Post # 8
I go months without talking to my good friends pretty frequently!
We’re all super busy–It happens! Then once a year or so we manage to be in the same place at the same time, and have a blast! And then talk 2-4 months later when something exciting happens.
Post # 9
@DuckEBee: I”m terrible at keeping in touch with people, like really really awful. One of my BMs and I have been friends for about 17 years, I moved away 12 years ago. at first we were decent about keeping in touch, and I went home with some frequency, but as time went on we now only call/text on Birthdays or to say Merry Christmas/Happy New Year. It makes me sad, but with a 1.5 hour time difference and our schedules, it’s tough.
She was super excited when I asked her to be a BM, we’ve hardly been in touch unless it’s wedding related since I asked her (I have sent her a couple emails/texts asking about personal stuff and don’t usually get much of an answer – she always answers wedding emails promptly).
Some people just suck at keeping in touch, it doesn’t mean they don’t value the friendship. I know my BM would be there for me in a hearbeat, I can not talk to her for a year, but if I called her and needed her – she’d be there.
Post # 10
When you make plans with her, you said that they were not wedding related but do you talk about the wedding while you’re together? Some people tire of hearing about the wedding planning and your wedding will never be as important to anyone as it is to you. She may also be thinking that planning the wedding is taking up all of your time. That said, I would ask her to coffee or lunch and ask her how she’s doing and say that you miss hearing from her. Maybe she’s got stuff going on that you’re not aware of. Just be a friend. Do NOT mention the wedding and certainly DON’T ask her to step down.
This is an excellent example of why brides should wait until much closer to the wedding to ask BMs to stand up with them. Two years before the wedding was way too far out. You never know where people will be or who will be your nearest and dearest then. Life happens and things change.
Post # 11
@DuckEBee: My BFF and MOH is THE WORST phone perosn! I am the one who initates the phone calls and let her know i will be around town. She just went back to school so it has been worst lately but im not worried life happens if your friend is under a year at her company she is trying to prove her self and you will have to do the same it sucks and it happens. Me and my BFF have drifted apart before and usually it just takes one of us to just be like “hey lets stop sucking at being friends” (yup exact words) i would just be honest and speak up that you need her in your life a little more even if its via email while shes at work.
Post # 12
My MOH lives about 20 minutes away from me, but we talk maybe once month to once every 1.5 months. It happens because people have lives and you get so busy with the everyday stuff.
I wouldn’t take it too personally that your MOH is phone-silent. Unless you have a dynamic friendship where she used to call you all the time and this behavior is completely off-base, I would just leave it alone and let her know the next time you guys chat how much you miss having regular contact with her. But just know that you yourself will become busy, and it’s going to get worse after you’re married so if anything, your friend might feel a bit “left out” of your life and that you’re too busy to chat/hang-out with her the way you used to when you were both single.
Post # 13
I’m probably a great person to respond to this question because I am a TERRIBLE phone person. I am notorious for texting vs calling because I spend my very busy work days (nurse) dealing wtih people, their people (family), hospital people/politics, and any down time I have at work is spent charting at the desk which means answering the unit phone if nobody else is available. When I get home, I really just want to decompress. I work a weird mid shift so when I get home, it’s already 7:30PM and my FI waits to eat with me so we’re cooking/eating if he cooked the moment I walk in. After that, we’ve got so much wedding planning stuff to do or I just want to watch mindless TV or read to decompress. On the weekends, we getu p early and go do stuff so I’m not able to sit on the phone. Some people just aren’t phone people and that doesn’t mean they don’t love you or cherish your friendship.
Actually, part of what makes me such a GOOD friend is that hwen we’re in person, I give you my 100% attention. I’m not texting or distracted. I’m with you. Another part of this is that I used to work evenings/weekends so I had zero social life with my FI, family, or friends the past two years. I would get home at 1AM and he was asleep and he would leave before I got up the next day. It was horrible. So, I take advantage of my ability to now interact face to face and make plans.
That being said, I do make an effort to text my friends to let them know I’m thinking of them or if I see something funny that reminds me of them. It can be really hard at our age (I’m guessing 20’s or 30’s) to spend the amount of time on our friendships daily that we did in college/high school/the time after hs. When you think about it, college was about 50/50 school work and growing socially/networking. There’s a sharp drop off when you’re thrust into the “working full time” and trying to maintain a home/relationship. But please don’t feel liek your friends care less or don’t want to be there for you at your wedding– I’m guessing this isn’t the case.
Maybe try texting them weekly and just asking for an update? I do this with some of my friends so I at least know what they’re going through/working on and I can support them to the best of my ability. I DO make time for friends on the phone when I know they’re having a really hard time so it’s always good to know when someone needs a little bit more from me.
Post # 14
@Karmagirl: I actually don’t even like to discuss the wedding with people because it is a huge source of stress. However, I will need to discuss with her soon ceratain wedding related festivities and dates as they come up in the next few months. I won’t ask her to step down, but I’d like to find a way to make it clear that if it isn’t something she wants to do anymore she doesn’t have to.
Post # 15
@Shina: Sorry if my post wasn’t super clear! She’s not my maid of honor actually. Just a very good friend (or used to to be!)
Post # 16
@CharleighT: I really appreciate your perspective on the situation. It just starts to really bother me when I’m the only one sending those texts to be like “hey! how they hell are ya?” It’s good to know that it isn’t always a personal thing.