Post # 1
I’ll preface this by saying I’m just venting and there isn’t much I can do about the situation without upsetting people and it just isn’t worth it. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m upset. Sorry it’s so long.
Some backstory: My mom hasn’t really been involved much with helping me with wedding planning. She did drive over for the first time I looked at dresses about 10 months ago. She lives about 5 hours from me, so I didn’t expect much from her. She offered to contribute $5K to the wedding because it is tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding. I told her it was unnecessary and that we could pay for the wedding ourselves, but she insisted and would have been offended if I’d said no.
She wanted to make payments of $500/month over the next 10 months up to the wedding. I ended up cashing the first few checks she sent. The third one bounced. The fourth one she asked me not to cash because she was in the middle of buying a house. I felt bad about the money after this and just stopped cashing the checks that her bank was auto sending me. I figured we didn’t need the money and she was struggling with things. She’s never been very good with money so she never realized that I stopped cashing the checks. In total FI and I have spent about $25K on the wedding with $1K from my mother.
Last weekend (3 weeks before the wedding) my mom drives over for my final dress fitting so she can learn how to lace it and bustle it. She started asking questions about the decorations, the ceremony, the reception, the tables, the caterer’s dishes. She got really upset about everything I’ve done up to this point. She said my decorations were bad and that she would be embarrassed to attend the wedding I had planned as the mother of the bride. She said I was being cheap and it was making her look bad since the family of the bride pays for weddings. She said she had a lot of money invested into this wedding and that she didn’t get a single thing she wanted. Not that she ever mentioned that she wanted anything till last weekend. I told her if I knew that she wanted me to spend the money on certain things that I would have, but she never told me that any of this stuff was important to her.
I’ve been working really hard to plan a wedding over the last 9-10 months and to have her tell me the whole thing was awful was really hurtful.
She was so mad that she left on Saturday instead of Sunday like she had planned. She asked for her money back so that she could “fix” my wedding. I mailed her a check for $1.5K, more than she had even given me, so she could buy the decorations she wanted. But she is mad that it isn’t the full $5K.
I didn’t have much of a problem with her doing the decorations, but now she is calling all my vendors and taking things over. I don’t know why she would need to talk to my DJ to figure out decorations? I just feel like it isn’t even my wedding anymore. Not that it matters because apparently my wedding was awful anyways.
The kicker is that the only reason we are having the bigger wedding is to make our families happy. And now both my family and FI’s family are upset about several aspects of this wedding. I just… am ready for it to be over with.
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2015 - The Old Courthouse in Cleveland
I’m sorry you are dealing this before your wedding. I’m sure you have plenty of other things to deal with. It sounds like you have really taken the high road, good for you!
I am confused why she wanted the whole 5K when you did not actually recieve the full 5K. Does she not realize that you hadn’t cashed those checks? I think its wonderful how nice you have been, but I feel like at this point you have got to be really honest with her. It seems like she is just trying to help, but doesn’t know how and maybe didn’t realize that you had not cashed those checks.
I hope you figure it all out, and try to remember that even though it’s frustrating, she thinks she is helping, it seems like she really wants the wedding to be the best it can be- she just doesn’t realize that her way isn’t the best necessarily.
Post # 3
bananacar: Thank you for the kind words. I tried to tell her that I hadn’t cashed all the checks, but she side eyed me like she didn’t believe me. Her payments to me were set up on auto pay through her bank account. Her bank was mailing me checks monthly, so she wasn’t personally sending them to me. I get the feeling like she doesn’t really check her bank account that often to know if I’d been cashing them or not.
I know she means well. To be fair she has helped with a lot of stuff. She likes to DIY and her and my step dad are making the wedding favors. We just are such different people. I’m worried that it’s going to turn into the wedding that she wants instead of the wedding that I want. She is very into big and pink and fluffy and over decorating. I like simple clean stuff much better. One of the reasons she didn’t like what I currently have.
I’m just stressed I guess. I wish she would have voiced her concerns earlier than 3 weeks before the wedding. It is all very overwhelming. I just have to keep reminding myself that she isn’t trying to hurt my feelings.
Post # 4
Ok, so her checks didnt even come through, and you still had to financially fund the wedding. So at what point does her opinion carry any weight? He who holds the money bag has the final say…
Post # 5
I am amazed you gave her contact information for all of your vendors when it sounds like you had things the way you wanted them. She didn’t pay, she doesn’t get a say. I am sorry you’re bummed out but take control of your day girl!
Post # 6
You need to call your vendors and tell them that any decisions will come from YOU and your FI… No one else!
Post # 7
This is exactly why I eloped. Not saying that you should as well, just sharing how I handled my mother’s bullying.
Parents often become controlling about weddings as a way to handle their sadness of “losing” their son or daughter.
Tell your mother that while you appreciate her opinions, you are the bride and you are paying for your event, which means that only you decide what is best for your wedding.
I am planning a vow renewal next year with many wedding elements…I see why we eloped the first time! Holy shit what a pain in the ass!
Post # 8
MechEBee: If she doesn’t realise that $500 isn’t coming out of her account every month then no, she isn’t good with her money!
To be honest, I think you pandering to her is making things worse. I get that you don’t want to upset her but she seems to have no issue whatsoever upsetting you so maybe you should be a little more selfish and tell her no, it’s your wedding and things will be done your way.
You may think it’s easier to just keep quiet but if you’re old enough to get married you’re old enough to stand up for yourself. It’s your day, not hers and if you let this go you may find that you start to resent her for making the day about her and not you and your FI.
Post # 9
Miss_E_xx: I understand what you are saying. But the wedding is 2 weeks away now. And I don’t want to ruin our relationship over deocorations and money.
She has always been a little disappointed in my lack of caring about stuff like this. I don’t really care that the cups and plates are plastic and not glass. Or that I don’t have place settings since it’s a buffet style dinner. To her, it’s the worst thing in the world. She is all about appearances. She’s got the bleach blond hair, does her makeup and hair every morning, wears coordnating clothing and shoes, she throws big parties where she entertains every other month or so. I don’t wear make up or do my hair. I wear steel toe boots to work. We don’t exactly see eye to eye. But making her mad just makes things worse most of the time.
I’m 26 now (this whole blow up actually happend on my birthday, super awesome). My FI and I have been together a little over 4 years. I’ve lived away from home since I was 16, so it’s not a matter of not being old enough. It’s more of a matter of picking my battles.
Post # 11
My mom was being super controlling when she was contributing money, and saying she had a right as MOB to act in this manor. I finally asked her why she would ever want to control my wedding…as her daughter, doesn’t she want me to be happy?
As hard as it is, you may just have to put your foot down. Tell your mom- you’re invited but you’re not planning. If you continue to act in this manner, you will not be invited. End of story. She will be upset, garanteed and I’m sure you want her there, but right now she’s basically walking right over you.
Post # 12
Some moms won’t even accept it when their daughter’s set boundaries.
My mom was trying to take over my wedding as the MOB. No amount of discussions or firm boundaries helped.
I am so glad that she calmed down after the elopement. Some people need a slap in the face to see when their behavior is out of line.
Post # 13
Your mother sounds like mine-vain and overly concerned with appearances.
If overbearing parents are allowed to control weddings, they will also try to control the marriage.
Post # 14
PositiveThinking: The funny part is that she’s never been too concerned with my relationship with FI. I think because she is too far away. She just cares more about appearances at the wedding. Which is one of the reasons I don’t want to confront her. I don’t want to strain our relationship over plastic vs. glass cups and plates and uplighting. We generally get along fine outside of wedding planning.
Post # 15
Glad you get along with your mom most of the time.
If you’re are close, the type of cups you use will not strain the relationship.