I feel like I've been waiting forever…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 I am very proud of you for not rushing to Arizona with him without a job, I’ve had a few friends follow their men across the country and all but 1 ended in disaster 🙁

That said, 3.5 years is a long time to wait, especially now that you two are in your 30’s… honestly I would stop beating around the bush and just be blunt with him. He is wasting your beautiful youth, he KNOWS by now if you’re the one he wants to marry or not.

 

Post # 5
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@wannabebee123:  maybe it is time to have the serious talk nobody wants to. I would do it on one of those weekends face to face and let him know that this is recent thing coming up within you because you are feeling anxiety about uprooting without a commitment. im not saying engagement or you won’t move but if he loves you he will/should be able to talk more openly about it . Ie. I don’t see it in near future or yes I plan in the next year (or whatever). I know people are reluctant to bring it up  in serious discussions because they don’t wanna pressure but you need to let him know where you’re at- and him too! Then it really doesn’t matter WHAT his vision is because you can make an informed decision without being anxious. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

It’s not nagging, it’s your life.  You have a right to know what your future holds.  I don’t think you should move anywhere unless you’re engaged.

 

Post # 7
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Maybe he is waiting until you’re together to propose. 

Post # 8
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

@prahajess:  I don’t think it’s very wise for the OP to uproot her life for a “maybe.”

@wannabebee123:  First, you have to decide if you really do want marriage or if you’d be ok continuing your life with him if he never wanted to marry you.  If you’re too scared to bring it up with him by having an adult discussion about it, you’re not ready to be married.  I don’t think all guys open to marrying their girlfriends will bring up “marriage” per se, but does he talk about the future as if you’ll be in it in 10, 20, 30 years?  That matters more. Some guys equate “marriage” with just the party and if they love their girl enough and see how much it means to her, will marry her. Making sure he is ready for marriage is the first step.  And you’ve confirmed that.  Now you just need to be sure it’s YOU he wants to marry.

 

I can sympathize with you because I’m about  your age and I’ve been with my guy about the same amount of time, never married, no kids, etc.  I told him early on that marriage was important to me.  I don’t “nag” him but I let him know I do need the commitment of marriage if we’re going to be together long-term.

Post # 9
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

@NYMango:  If that was the agreement, that was the agreement. He could be waiting for that reason.  But I agree it’s worth OP rethinking whether she wants to take that risk or not.

Post # 10
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee

@wannabebee123:  Why can’t you find a job out there?  Have you considered settling for something entry level just to get your foot in the door?  Even something that is NOT in your field but temporary and a paycheck so that the two of you can be together?  Do you have money in savings for this?

The deal breaker for me would be if I’m moving out there to LIVE/move in with my SO or not.  If you are moving out there and getting your own place…time to move on.  

Post # 11
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@wannabebee123: 

I moved across the world to be with my SO after we’d been together 3-4 years. However at the time we were only about 24/25 so I didn’t feel the urgency towards engagement that you do (he took another 5/6 years to propose after that, but that is a whole other story!). At any rate, I’ve been in your situation and I really don’t recommend you do what I did, which is go out there without clearly communicating your life plan to your SO and getting some reassurances.

I would tell him something like this: “X, you know I love you and I am so excited to move to be with you. However being in a committed relationship is very important to me, and before I uproot my life to follow you I want to make sure we share the same long-term goals. If I come out there and everything works out, I would like to be engaged within a year, and be married about Y months after that. As you know, women have a limited window of fertility and if you want to have kids in the future we should probably start trying before I reach 35. I think it is important to have the security of marriage in case something happens to one of us, and so that any children we might have are raised in a family that has made that life-long commitment.

Is this something you can see in our future? Please be honest, because I don’t think it is a good idea that we take this step if we have different future goals.”

Then listen and see what he has to say. You can give him a week or two to think about it, but don’t let him equivocate too long. He needs to agree to engagement within a year before you go out there, and if he doesn’t come through with that, then leave at the end of that year (and don’t nag in the mean time). You do have a limited window in which to have kids (fertility declines and birth defects go way up after 35), so you shouldn’t waste too much time following someone who can’t give you that commitment.

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