- 4 years ago
- Wedding: January 2012
Hi ladies… I know it’s been a while since I was a regular around here, but I know you’re all always wonderful, and I could really use some support right now. I’ve been going through some tough stuff, and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’ve just been bottling everything up, and I think I might just explode on the next person to so much as look at me. I would love some support and/or YouTube links to adorable animal videos to cheer me up.
This is going to be long, but I’ll try and highlight the important stuff for those of you who want to tl;dr it.
1. I’m very sick right now, and it’s causing me to be in almost constant pain. The doctors (and oh my God, there are so many of them… I didn’t even know that so many different types of specialists existed, but I’m seeing ALL OF THEM) don’t know exactly what’s going on, but it’s suspected that I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (I’ve posted about it here before) and some sort of associated autoimmune disease. What that all means is that random joints keep feeling like they’re being ripped apart. On one particularly bad episode a little over a month ago, I sobbed and sobbed and just told DH I wanted to die because it would be better than the pain… and that was AFTER meds. I’ve missed on average a day of work every two weeks for a few months now just because there are days when it’s just too frickin’ painful for me to get out of bed. I’ve tried to hide it from them, but last week, my boss caught me trying not to cry after I tweaked my wrist. At that point, I was humiliated in addition to being in pain, and I lost it. Professional, huh? I feel like the most useless employee ever. Or, at least, I would if I were able to stop concentrating on the excruciating pain in my body long enough to think about what sort of employee I am.
2. Our water heater broke yesterday and flooded half our house… forty-five minutes before DH left to fly to Florida on business. We just bought the house three months ago. The carpet is brand new. I was up late last night with a friend just trying to air vac up all the water. DH has all the insurance info, and he promised he would call first thing in the morning. I confirmed with him multiple times that he was calling the insurance company, and he said yes. Finally, at 3:30 today, he told me that he had only talked to the warranty company about the water heater itself. They have nothing to do with the rest of the stuff. So our insurance claim wasn’t opened until 4:00, and it won’t even be looked at until tomorrow. In the meantime, our house continues to be soaked. The professionals haven’t been able to come by yet, but the walls feel wet to the touch, and the carpets are still soaked despite the fact that we’ve already drawn out about 25 gallons of water. I got a rough estimate from one of the pros tonight, and it sounds like we’re looking at at least two or three thousand dollars in damage.
3. We’re super broke. We just bought a house and have had to spend a bunch of money to buy things for it like a refrigerator, furniture, etc. Our puppy was sick last month and racked up a few hundred in vet bills. Some asshole decided he didn’t want to stop at the red light I was already stopped at, and he was uninsured, so I just had to pay a $500 deductible to get my car fixed. Then there were a few other unexpected bills, and now suddenly, we’re way in the red. We can’t afford to pay thousands to fix the flooding.
4. I don’t have a ceramic studio. I know, I know, this one doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but believe me, it is. Making art is how I deal with the world. I haven’t been able to make anything with clay since we moved out of the apartment, so it’s been MONTHS. This is my form of release. I am going insane not being able to work. The plan is to convert the garage into a studio for me, but it keeps getting delayed. Two weeks ago, DH swore up and down that it would be finished this weekend. It’s not. It’s still got so far to go. The reasons it’s not done are really good – I had a particularly bad pain episode, and he was too busy nursing me back to health to work, and then he got sick – but it still isn’t, and now that we’re even deeper in the financial hole thanks to the flood, I don’t know that it will get done this month. I want to cry.
5. I’ve turned into a land whale. I’ve gained a lot of weight this summer because I’m not being particularly active, but I am eating all the food forever. I hate what I see in the mirror. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding next month, but I don’t know that I’ll fit into the dress.
6. DH desperately wants kids, and I don’t know that I can give them to him. DH is ready for children now. I’m not. That’s okay, though; that’s something we’ve discussed and that we’re okay with. But my health issues are a major problem. I don’t know that I can safely carry a baby to term. Even if I can, I’m on a whole cocktail of drugs right now to keep my body functioning, and I can’t take many of those drugs while pregnant. If I’m in as much pain as I am right now while taking them, I can only imagine how terrible it would be without them. And then, even if I can have a safe and full pregnancy with a modified cocktail of baby-safe drugs, I don’t know that it’s even ethical for me to attempt to pass on my heavily flawed genes. If I’ve got what they think I might have, it’s an autosomally dominant heritable trait. Any children of mine would have a 50% chance of getting the same disfunctional joints I’ve got (though, to be fair, they might not have it to such a strong extent). DH tells me that he loves me and that he knows marrying me was the correct choice no matter what happens, but I know he’s upset.
7. DH is moving to a new job that will require him to travel a lot. And I miss him. It will mean a very, VERY significant increase in pay, and it will be a great move for him. There are no questions about that. But I like my night cuddles, and I depend on them when I’m having a bad day. I don’t know how I’ll get by without him. He’s gone right now, and all I want in the whole world is to hug him and kiss him and hear him tell me that we’ll get through the flooding and the pain and the money problems.
8. Blah, blah, blah. Whine, whine, whine. There are lots of other, smaller things I could rant about right now, but I’m going to try and keep this short (it’s a relative term!). Consider this space to be more whining.
Basically, I feel completely out of control of my own life, and I don’t even know that it’s going to last much longer. I wonder how much longer I’ve got right now. With as sick as I am, at times, I sometimes feel like I’m going to keel over and die at any moment (even though imminent death isn’t a symptom of my illness so far as we know). During really bad pain episodes, I wish I would, just because then it wouldn’t hurt anymore. (NO, I’M NOT SUICIDAL. PAIN JUST SUCKS.) And I feel sad the rest of the time. I’m going crazy not being able to throw pots. I’m worried about the money. And I’m too tired and sore to deal with a house that’s been torn apart to fix the flooding from the water heater.
Anyway, I would really love to get some e-hugs and links to animal videos now, please. It would make me smile. Thanks for listening, ladies.