I feel like my MIL is doing WAY TOO MUCH!!! Advice please..

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6279 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

DH should clear it with you first and you should agree on your plans together.

Post # 4
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I have a feeling that one day I could be in the same boat. Although me and my SO have pretty much lived together since we started dating we have yet spent any actually holidays together other then government holidays. This year it looking like it’ll be our first I doubt we’ll have any guest for thanksgiving but I wouldn’t be surprise if his mother makes the trip. My advice is make sure that you and husband set ground rules on how long guest can stay and under what circumstances they can stay ( rather coming in from out of town or if they live in the same town). The most we allow is a week if we had one spare room. And while we were in school no guest during finals time. 

Post # 5
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This is not normal.  My brother lives across the country so when my parents go to visit they stay in a hotel.  They don’t impose on him and his GF.  10 days?  INSANE

Post # 6
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

well i see that it’s a bit much that she is inviting herself for a long-ish period of time but…

 @Galang_Gyal:  I just don’t know how to get it across to DH without being a witch and sounding  like I hate his mother…

that’s what it sounds like from this! what’s the big problem that she wants family to stay family? i don’t have issues when my FILs used to stay with us for a few days several times over a year… because i like them. why does it bother you that she wants to visit if you do like her? (aside from a 10-day stint)

Post # 10
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t have any advice, but wanted to send hugs! I can imagine how you’d feel. Hopefully DH realises that this is your time as newlyweds.

Post # 11
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Galang_Gyal:  awe man this is the story of my life….I havent experienced the coming to our house by the IL’s yet because we basically live less then 5 min away….BUT we are building a house that will be ready a few months after the wedding…and theres been talk of them coming for “sleepovers” on weekends because 15-20 min drive to their house will now be too far?? um excuse me?? are you guys fucking crazy?

i dont care HOW BIG the house will be the fact is I dont want them staying in our house because the time will be expected to be TOGETHER… so its not like i will be able to get away…

I feel your pain hun I feel your pain. i’ve polled more then 20 people in my life and they ahve all said this is strange behavior/not normal request (I mean at least your MIL has an excuse traveling 10 hours….min it takes longer for us to get to the mall) Im trying to figure out how to explain this to FI without starting a fight.

Post # 12
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

its weird that you say that your husband has no problem with it–isn’t it really just your problem then?maybe he actually wants to see his mom.

I mean, I personally would not be happy with a 10-day visit either (it is kind of ridiculous). at the same time, your husband is half the marriage. she’s not truly imposing on you guys if he wants her there.

Post # 13
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@Galang_Gyal:  I see this as my future! My future in laws think they need to see us ALL THE TIME. I mean, they need us there for every obscure holiday or event that happens. Right now, they live 5-10 min away, but we plan on moving soon and I can see them pulling something like this. They are even the type to just show up with bags packed and expect us to drop all plans for the week so they can stay and visit.

I really don’t have much advice, though. All I can say is get on the same page with your husband. It’s early in your marriage and if you don’t figure things out now, this will be the expected norm from now on. Maybe explain to him that while you’d love to see his mom, such long stays are a bit much. If she wants to stay for so long, she can book a room in a nearby hotel. Unless it’s a major holiday where family gatherings are expected, there is no reason for her to just impose herself on you guys for a week and a half. That’s a long time for ANY houseguest, much less one that you didn’t even invite. Does she realize her birthday only lasts ONE day? And seriously, most parents get a dinner out, not an entire birthday vacation.

But, good luck with all of this because I haven’t figured this out on my end yet. I’ve talked about the similar issues we have with SO’s parents and in the moment, he agrees. Then they bully or beg to get their way.

I hope you guys can figure something out!

Post # 14
Member
1164 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@shanbp:  Sleepovers?!?! Seriously?!? I thought my SO’s parents were bad always wanting us to stay over in his old room if it got late, but inviting themselves to spend the night when the drive is 15-20 min is crazy!

Post # 15
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Im kind of on the opposite end of the spectrum here… I, like your fiance have family that live 10+ hours away and honestly if my parents said they were coming to visit for 10 days I would be so thrilled! My fiance might not be as excited but he understands its a long expensive trip not worth making unless staying a while. I just think we have our whole lives to be married and intimate without family around, and parents unfortunately won’t be around as long as our marriage. i think you might wanna cut your MIL some slack, and think how your hubby really feels about this visit. The way I see it, it’s not like you guys can’t retreat to your bedroom and have privacy if you need it, you’re married! Of course, I feel its important to set boundaries in terms of her opinions on your personal matters, etc. Just my 2 cents, I have a soft spot for far away family as I’ve been away from my family for years and miss them dearly. I’d give anything for them to visit 10 days!

Post # 16
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

IDK, it’s not like she showed up on your doorstep unannounced. Do you and DH work? If so you’ll be out of the house most of the time. It would be unfair if she expected you to come home and take her out every night or bring her sight seeing every day or babysit your nephews the entire time. Plan a couple of special things to do when she’s there, offer to watch the boys one night so DH and his mom can spend some time together, and let her know when you’ll be available and when she’ll need to make her own plans. Find something for her and your nephews to do one night so you and DH can have some alone time. 

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