I feel like the novelty of a wedding is over in my friend group : (

posted 1 week ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 31
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I totally relate! Im 32 and probably won’t be getting married until I’m 33. Three of my closest friends are currently pregnant or trying. My best friend already warned me that she would be trying for baby number 2 soon and asked me to get married this year if I wanted her to be a part of the wedding. This is the same girl who made me attend multiple engagement parties and showers for her wedding. It sucks. I totally get your frustration. 

Post # 32
Member
2259 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t get it. I’m sorry but you getting married doesn’t make you anyone else’s priority. If you bending over backwards for them was done for any reason other than because you wanted to, then you did it for the wrong reasons.

I was less than two weeks shy of 35 when I got married. My friends, while they would occasionally ask how planning was going, were not interested in the details. My wedding was not the most important thing happening in their lives.They were all happy and excited for me on the day and we all had a great time. I didn’t need them to make me a priority to know that they loved and cared about me. 

Full disclosure, I didn’t have a bachelorette party or bridal shower because they just aren’t my thing. You act as if them coming to see you commit your life to your FI is somehow an  inefficient amount of support, and I guess I don’t understand that mentality.

Post # 33
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I have zero sympathy. I’m also one of the last of a group of friends to get married and many of my friends and family have kids already. Honestly, I was waaaay more excited about a friends new baby than my own wedding*. A wedding is a party. A baby is a life. Your friends have different priorities now and that’s life. They will be plenty excited on the day of, and it doesn’t mean they care about you any less. 

*wedding, as in the party part. Obviously I was pretty excited about the marriage part. 😉

Post # 34
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I think its rude of the ones who plan on going to your bachelorette to be making comments about how hard it is on them. What purpose does that serve if they’re going anyway? To make you feel bad? Good friends don’t try to make each other feel bad. If they can’t bear to be away from their children they should decline and leave it at that. If they’re going I really don’t understand the purpose of pre-souring the event by making negative comments. 

You deserve to be excited about this special time in your life! And to want the people you love most to share in your joy!

I also want to add that the reason the OP probably keeps mentioning money spent in these friendships is bc money is easy to quantify. Its easy to see from her original post that its their attitudes that are disappointing her the most… and that sucks 🙁

Post # 35
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I think friends should be excited for each other. I’ve been to plenty of weddings and when my best friend got married I didn’t feel even the slightest bit of ‘been there, done that”. It was completely different, more exciting, more important than other weddings because she is someone extremely close. 

Wining about leaving kids for a single night is ridiculous. Yes, people’s lives change but it’s either you choose to attend or not attend. Complaining and putting a damper on the event is unnecessary and rude. I’d question the friendship for sure. Your friends should definitely be thinking about how life-changing this particular time is for you and should be enthusiastic to celebrate it with you. They seem self-absorbed. 

 

Post # 36
Member
45 posts
Newbee

Oh and I do think it’s silly to expect people to act like your wedding is the most important thing happening in their lives but expecting your friends to at least have it on the list of important things is not unreasonable at all. They aren’t random people. They are supposed to be your friends. It should matter to them. Even if they’ve attended 1000 weddings. Pretty sure saying “oh Jonny is turning 3? Been to one kids party been to them all, right? Hardly needs to be a priority in my life because I mean there are millions of kids turning older everyday. What’s the biggie?” Friends don’t do that.  

Post # 37
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I totally understand where you are coming from.  Not because I’m in a similar situation but because it just isn’t cool!

Money is complicated and children change people’s lives, but it’s still disappointing that they can’t muster the enthusiasm for their friend that is in a different place than they are. 

Why are you the one who has to understand that they are in a different place in their life? Why can’t they understand that about you?

And so what if you expect recriprocation, that’s not a bad thing. Guess what, that is literally what friendships are about. You became friends and built a relationship in the first place because you both reciprocated with time, energy, sharing confidences, and affectation. 

Your feelings are 100% justfied. Unfortunately people are imperfect and you can’t make them behave how you want them to behave and how they should behave. Friends can disappoint us. You need to accept them as flawed individuals if you want to keep these longtime and likely valuable friends in your life.

It sounds like all in all they are good friends which is why you are upset about this. I am confident that you will feel their love on your wedding day and in your daily life in the future. That is what matters.

Post # 38
Member
21 posts
Newbee

It sounds a bit like you’re mad that you aren’t getting the return on your investment (money, time, enthusiasm) that you expected. Unfortunately, weddings and friendships aren’t a 401k. If anything, it’s like paying into Social Security for 50 years only to realize there’s nothing left for you when you retire. 

Post # 39
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee

I never understand why threads like this get so much hate. To everyone slamming the OP for being bummed that her friends don’t seem excited for her wedding – what is so hard to understand about OP’s feelings? Have you ever had a friend that you considered extremely close, who you’d literally move worlds to be by her side, only to suddenly realize because of something she did or didn’t do that maybe she didn’t value you as much as you valued her? Yes it’s “life” – yes, shit happens, friendships change, bla bla bla, but that feeling is still gut wrenching! It majorly sucks.

It doesn’t mean OP’s friends are assholes…and in fact maybe OP is being overly sensitive here (again, something that is relatable – because let’s be real who ISN’T overly sensitive from time to time when planning a wedding??)… but I just don’t get why people are so quick to shriek “I HAVE NO SYMPATHY!” in threads like this. Can no one relate? Really?

In a nutshell, the OP is feeling like she’s more invested in these friendships than her friends are. Whether she’s justified in that feeling, we don’t know, but regardless, that’s a shitty feeling. Why is it so hard muster up an ounce of compassion in these threads rather then berating bees on a wedding forum for daring to be bummed that their best friends don’t seem to care much about their wedding?

Post # 40
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee

poppinbottles :  “And so what if you expect recriprocation, that’s not a bad thing. Guess what, that is literally what friendships are about. You became friends and built a relationship in the first place because you both reciprocated with time, energy, sharing confidences, and affectation.”

+10000000

Friendships don’t need to be tit for tat but, as with any relationship, there needs to be a basic mutual respect and mutual prioritizing of one another (in general) or else the relationship will eventually deteriorate. 

Post # 41
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Why don’t you gently confront them? I know a lot of bees here are suggesting you just deal with it, but IMO that’s a load of crap. C’mon, these people are your CLOSE FRIENDS and clearly you all have gone through many life stages together, of course you can’t force anything down their throats or dictate their spendings (not implying that you are or that you would) but I think gently explaining how you’re feeling is a totally reasonable thing to do. Perhaps they just don’t realize how they’re acting towards you.

Maybe I feel this way because I can kind of relate. My sister became engaged awhile back, and I all but had an entire Pinterest board dedicated to HER future wedding, and she even blatantly told me to do things for her, at the time, I didn’t mind so much because I was excited, she would’ve been the first in the family to get married. Her wedding got put on hold later for life reasons, so the wedding plans we kinda swept to the wayside… Not long after, I became engaged, and was super excited thinking my sister would be one of my main people, I made her my MOH… Hardly even a few months into engagement/planning, she found out she was pregnant, and literally stopped caring about anything NOT baby or pregnancy related. I tried to be understanding, etc, literally all I wanted from her was her opinion on things, but the more time progressed, the more I realized she literally did not care about my wedding, which really hurt. I thought she would be supportive and happy for me, considering the fact too that she knew how long I had been waiting and what it meant for me to finally be getting married. But no, it didn’t matter anymore. And I would’ve been the first to get married in the family. I ended up rescinding the MOH title (she kept hinting that her due date was going to be around my wedding date, and that she probably wouldn’t be able to come anyway) and the worst part is that I think she was glad about it once she had her ‘out’. I am now expecting MY first child, and you know what? I’m still not going to vomit baby talk on anyone, and when my sister has HER wedding, I’ll be mentally and physically available whether I’m pregnant or with a child, or both. It makes me so angry when people are self-absorbed because new life stage or not, you shouldn’t lose all sense of empathy/ability to care about others. 

Post # 42
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Change your expectations, or you are going to be very sad throughout this whole process. 

When I was in college basically my whole sorority helped one girl plan her wedding. We were all SO EXCITED someone was getting married! It was a huge deal. Fast forward a few years, and after a couple weddings (plus my own), I am not nearly as giddy and excited as I was a couple years ago. Does it mean I am a shit friend or I don’t care? Not at all. I just have more important things I need to spend my time and money on, instead of all buying matching bikinis for a bachelorette week in Miami. I have a serious job, a mortgage, aging parents, the list goes on. I’m not the same single, 22 year old, party girl I used to be. I undoubtedly spent more time and money on my first friends wedding than I do on weddings now. 

I absolutely would prioritize re-doing my kitchen instead of buying a $500 bachelorette dress and going on a weekend trip. Sorry, but I only have so much money, and lavish nights out and expensive dresses just aren’t in the budget. I also don’t have oodles of free time like I used to. I work long hours, take care of my house, assist my parents and spend time growing my relationship with my husband.

it is silly to expect your friends to make the types of sacrifices for you now that they could 5 years ago. Life changes a lot between 22-32, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. It doesn’t make them bad friends, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. 

Also- attending a 3 year old birthday party and playing princess is not the same as an out of town, overnight bachelorette party. 

Post # 43
Member
6794 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

weddinggirl2009 :  Sure it sucks, but that is how life is. Life isn’t fair.  I got married at 37, while not the last of my friends but I also became a mother that year.  I can tell you having a child changes your world completely.  While yes I would try to come to a friends wedding without my child (which we did last year) but only because we were able to have my parents watch our child.  Your friends may not have someone to watch their child or may not feel comfortable leaving their child yet with someone over night.  By the way before last year when our child was 4, I had only left my child with someone overnight once before.  

As for the friend who renovated her kitchen, you have no clue where the money came from.  You do not know her complete financial history or what not.  

I would just move on and try to enjoy getting married to the person who you love, which is what should really matter in the long run. 

Post # 44
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Hello OP,

I am about the same age as you, I’ll be a fresh 34 years old when I get married this October. In my circle of friends engagement parties, bachelorette parties and bridal parties were never a thing. I have been to very few weddings and even though I always wanted to be a bridesmaid I have never had the chance 🙁

I chose very early on in the planning process to forgo the various pre-wedding parties completely.

However, I do understand why you would be disappointed because you feel like you have always been there for your friends…and they ought to be there for you. I would also feel a sense of loss if the celebrations included in friends’ weddings were not in mine.

That being said, the thirties are undeniably a different decade than the one that proceeded it.  As others noted we have to be more conservative in how we spend our time and money. Even if we aren’t married and/or have children our obligations to our families, homes, jobs tend to be a lot deeper. Life obligations like children and parents can be intense. What we found fun or a good use of our time in our 20’s often doesn’t mesh well with what we prefer in our thirties. 

My best suggestion is to downsize, localize and combine your wedding parties if at all possible. I will be only having two or three bridesmaids and have decided to work their dresses into our wedding budget. Might that be possible for you? I think taking the financial and travel stress of your bridesmaids might just be the solution that works for everyone. 

Post # 45
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

weddinggirl2009 :  chill. This is life. Things get more tolerable when you understand that everyone has different priorities, and when you do something for others, you do it without expecting anything in return. 

I will be the first to get married. However, only two of my friends have expressed interest ever since we got engaged. Both of them also happen to be in Australia and cannot guarantee their presence on my wedding, let alone any help or parties. The girls who are local (four of them) never expressed any interest in wanting to be a bridesmaid or help with my wedding. I am not even 100% sure if they will show up or drop out for some reason. Even though I am the first, it feels like I’m the last. No one seems excited even though it’s a novelty. Maybe because all of them are single and are still in the school phase.

They may not be able to help much. They may not even be able to attend my wedding. I may end up with zero bridesmaids if all of them happen to drop out with legit or lame excuses. But, I’m trying to not let this affect my wedding and my friendships with them. I will even consider being their bridesmaids even if they are not in mine…because that’s what friends are for. You do it because you genuinely love them, even if they can’t or won’t reciprocate. I’m pissed at them sometimes and don’t exactly have a big heart, but you gotta take a deep breath, let it go and make the best out of what (or who) you do have, and that’s primarily the friends who care, your family and your fiance 🙂 

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