I feel so conflicted

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
30284 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LadyBlackheart:  I haven’t dealt with this, but I just wanted to poke my head in and say it sounds like you’ve got a good strong head on your shoulders and you and your FI can get through it together! 🙂 All the best to you both!

Post # 4
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

You’re a WAY tougher chick than me–if my family would have been disappointed in me, I’m not sure that I would be okay with your SO’s timeline!

Post # 5
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is not what you want to hear, but postponing living together is an option until you get closer to an engagement. You say you need to just get over your inner conflict and put your SO’s needs before everyone elses, but it is too soon to put his needs before your own! It’s not weakness to want to avoid family conflict if it’s going to cause you pain.

Post # 6
523 posts
Busy bee

Have you explained all of this to your SO. What if you have a tiny tiny wedding and then a much larger bash as a “Vows renewal”? Are you willing to skimp on the wedding of your dreams to have an actual wedding that’s maybe just much smaller than you hoped for? However, that’s assuming the ONLY reason he wants to wait a few years is to have a nice wedding.

I’m just trying to think of possible solutions. I think it’s important that he compromises on this too. You are going to give up a LOT (in terms of your family’s disappointment) for this man. What about moving in as an engaged couple? Surely that will count for something, right?

Huge hugs, I know how hard it must be for you!!

Post # 7
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I know you’ve had roommate issues, but if you land this job, could you afford your own place? That way you have the sort of privacy and freedom that would allow your S/O to visit often, but without the family fallout. Plus, living completely on your own is cool. No one to hog the bathroom, no one to share fridge space with, no one hog the TV, no one to annoy you with their quirks, no one to answer to. Sometimes I miss it.

Post # 8
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

You’re really at a cross roads in your life right now. You have to decide if your families reaction  is more important than moving in with your boyfriend. I know you don’t want to hear that you have to take control, but you do. It’s your life and not your families, they don’t own you. I would not try to pressure your boyfriend into an earlier wedding just to keep your family happy. That’s the wrong reasons to start a marriage. 

I hope it works out for you in the end. 

Post # 9
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@LadyBlackheart:  Is it possible that your SO would propose before you move in together, but then you’d agree on a 2 year engagement? I’m wondering if your family might be easier about everything if you two get engaged before moving in together, even if it’s still a long time before the weddding.

Post # 10
3077 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@LittleByLittle:  I was thinking this too, what if you move in as an engaged couple? I can’t fathom being in your family, my family is NOTHING like that but shutting out your family & feeling like you don’t want to even be a part of your family anymore sucks. Trust me. I don’t think you have to just “suck it up and do what YOU want” actually. I think there HAS to be a compromise somewhere??

Post # 11
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Have you explained this to your SO? Perhaps a modest engagent ring or a fancy promise ring might to much to smooth things over with the family.

Post # 12
2317 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Are you officially engaged yet or is it serious conversation?

To be honest, I think you are in a difficult position…especially since you say you are worried about what your family will say/think and you are still insisting on moving in with him in January.

I guess you need to decide what is more important to you – living with SO or getting on with your family. And, would the rude remarks and being made to feel like the black sheep of the family continue once you are married or will they stop once you are in an ‘acceptable’ relationship? 

At the end of the day, no one can make you feel good about this…only you can. You just need to decide what you want – speak to your SO and explain your confliction. 

Post # 13
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Ehhh…I’m with the parents. I’m not a fan of the “living together” thing. If you want to wake up in the morning and see my face, if you want me to do your laundry and you want my cooking and all the other goodies that come along with getting a wife then YOU. NEED. TO. MARRY. ME. I don’t want to be placated with a ring (that I could have bought mySELF) that I need to wear around for 2-3 YEARS and give back when you change your mind AFTER having had all my goddies for years…YOU. NEED. TO. MARRY. ME. FIRST. I’ve raised my daughters the same way. I think the oldest moved in about 2-3 months before her wedding and that was fine, but that’s about the limit of acceptability in my opinion.

Yeah, people do it these days and if that’s what works for them, I am all for it, just not for me and not for my kids. You sound as if it really isn’t for you either but you’re willing to do it because HE wants to. Why wouldn’t he? Give it a lot of thought. Sounds like he’s not really ready to get married but he wants a trial run. I’d be so insulted by that. I do not care if you move right next door to each other, until the cake was paid for, I wouldn’t even consider it. We give these guys sooooooo much these days!

Post # 15
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I totally feel you on this one. My dad is a pastor and I was raised the same way. I had and still have the same confliction. One thing to mention is my guy and me talked about the timeline thing really early on to know if we would be on the same page. He told me date for a year live together for a year and then get engaged and married within a year. I just want to tell you that we are getting married next year…so it will be 6 years…a completely different timeline than what he originally told me. It did cause some relationship issues because I had to (and still have to) live with the “living in sin” and family disappointment. I think if I had to do it again I would have waited till I was engaged to live together. My concern for you is that he gives you this timeline, which is already different than yours, but then what if that timeline more than doubles like mine did? Would you be ok with that? Could you handle living with the confliction with double the time? I’m not trying to talk you out of it. I just wanted to give you something to think about. Guys get comfortable with living with a girl sometimes to the point of not feeling the need to get married because they have everything they want already without making that huge step. Then there can be so much more pressure to get engaged and married, and trust me – its not the beautiful experience it is supposed to be. I think if I didn’t live with my fiancé we may have gotten engaged sooner to be honest. And the confliction feelings never went away for me. 

I’m not trying to make you feel bad or change your mind. I just wish these were things I thought about before moving in. Best of luck to you. I really do feel for you because I do understand. It really makes you feel torn. I hope everything works out for you.

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