I feel so guilty

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

This may be an instance of “the grass is greener on the other side.”  You may be looking for faults, a sort of self-sabotage, because you are crushing on the trainer so much. Keep that in the back of your mind 🙂

Post # 3
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

idontknow: Think it through to yourself:

1) He reminds me of my ex, how would he feel if we were in a relationship and he knew that? Is that fair to him?

2) Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who I am constantly comparing to someone else? Would he ever live up to the memory of the person I’m comparing him to?

3) I’m getting annoyed with everyday minor irritations while in a relationship plateau. Wouldn’t the same thing happen in another relationship? Doesn’t that happen in all relationships?

I think crushes are normal in long term relationships, especially wih cowrkers. What I think is important is to remind yourself of what is fantasy and what is reality. I would also limit contact with the person(hard while your training I realize). Don’t start having contact with him that is anything other than work related. Also, plan some alone time with your FI and do something special. Remind yourself why you are marrying him.

Good luck OP 

Post # 4
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

idontknow:  Definitely seems like you are looking for faults in your FI- simply because this other guy reminds you of your ex.  

Ask yousefl this:  if you left FI and started dating this other guy- and things didn’t work out with this other guy after a short amount of time…..would you find yourself hoping to get back together with you FI?  If you answer no to this, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship with your FI.  If you answered yes to this- you likely need to realize this is just a passing feeling.

This new guy isn’t your old BF.  In fact, outside of work, he could be an entirely different guy.

 

If you can say you’d have no hesitations looking back if you could leave FI and NOT date this new guy…..again, time to re-evalute.  

 

Otherwise, this guy is just a reminder of someone whom you miss dearly.

Post # 5
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

idontknow: 

I agree with memorieslff – it sounds like a case of “the grass is greener…” This doesn’t have anything to do with your fiance; I think it would happen in any relationship you are in. Remember that the new guy is just a fantasy for you – you don’t have to pick up his dirty socks or see him in a bad mood, etc. You only see him at his best. I’m sure he’s got just as many annoying habits as your fiance – everyone does! Try to remember what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Seriously, make a list! If you like his smile, his sense of humor, how he comforts you when you’re upset, blah blah blah.

I also agree with Bridey77 that you should definitely limit contact with your crush (as much as it’s possible). Getting lunch alone with him, happy hour, etc – bad idea! Also a bad idea to call/text/email about non-work related stuff.

Sending good vibes your way, OP! What a crappy situation you’re in!

Post # 6
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Every relationship goes through up’s and down’s.  To me it sounds like you need to seriously talk to your FI, tell him you feel like he needs to put in more effort.  You are marrying him for a reason, this crush reminds you of your ex but is NOT the same man.  

I’m sorry to here about your ex’s passing but you need to move on, talk with your FI and be open. My FI and I have an agreement to always bring stuff like this forward, being in love with someone doesn’t mean you’ll never have crushes but you need to deal with them as a passing feeling, you have something much deeper with your FI, don’t let it go.

PS. it may be hard and i’m not sure about your financial/career situation but I would never let a job jeopardize my relationship, maybe you need to consider finding something else if this feeling isn’t something you can deal with.

Post # 7
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. However, I feel like the fact that you lost your ex tragically and suddenly may have a lot to do with your infatuation for this guy. It may not be that your relationship with your ex would have been “better” than your current relationship had it continued. Maybe you guys would have eventually drifted apart; who knows. I guess my point is just that the “romance” aspect of getting a 2nd chance with a lost love is fantasy and it’s going to be hard for your current relationship to compete unless you really wrap your head around the fact that this guy is NOT your ex, and that you can’t let yourself continue daydreaming or crushing on him. If you’re not willing to leave your ex, then please try to minimize contact with this other guy. 

Post # 9
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

I’m around the same age as you and while I can only speak for myself, I think we have all been in your situation. I personally don’t think it is abnormal. Your circumstances (your ex passing) just make it more extreme.

Post # 10
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

First, I think it’s pretty normal to have crushes on other people in a long term relationship. There’s no reason to feel guilty for feelings of attractions. Being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you quit being attracted to other people. It just means that you don’t act on those attractions. So don’t cheat, and you’re all good! 

Second, any issues that you have with your fiance are totally separate from this coworker and from your ex. If you’re truly unhappy with your fiance, obviously, you should make real considerations about the engagement and marriage.

Third, if this is just a case of a crush and fond memories of a past relationship and you want to stay with your fiance then I’m going to suggest funneling this attraction for your coworked into your relationship with your fiance. Horny after work? Jump your fiance for a quickly when you get home. Worried about crushing on your coworker at work? Screw your fiance senseless before work! Turn those guilty feelinings into a way to build your relationship with your fiance. I also think your faince would support this plan…

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