I feel so guilty for not wanting to support my boyfriend…

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Ruthiefreefalling:  He can take any job he gets until he finds the right fit! Also just because he has student loan debt doesn’t mean he shouldn’t still contribute once he has a job. He can enroll in the income based loan repayment plan which would lower his payments. Also if he doesn’t get a job right away he can defer his loans. Is he asking you to support him and assuming himself he won’t get a job? I can honestly see not wanting to move back in with your parents after school. Plus 3 1/2 years is a long time and maybe he is just ready to be with you more often, not take a step backwards in life to move in with his parents. I know it’s not a great job market, but there are always jobs of some kind out there.

Post # 3
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You are being smart. You live cheap so you don’t have to stress. Moving into a bigger place and being the sole earner will add stress. Have the frank money talk with him. 

With family living in the area he should go there. This not so ideal living situation may light a fire under his butt to find a job. I would wait to move in until he can fully contribute to half the deposit and half the rent.

Post # 4
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You’re being super smart. Tons of people leave college and have student loans and yet don’t become 100% financially dependent on their SOs.

Plus, you don’t sound 100% sure of the relationship you have with your SO, and that is totally fine, but definitely not what you want to feel when inviting someone to become financially dependent on you.

The situation is not as bad as it could be. At least he has family in the area! It would be tougher if he didn’t have anyone but you, but still wanted to move close to you. Anyway, if I were you, I would stay in my rental room situation and tell my BF I am just not able to rent a whole apartment now on my current salary alone. I would suggest he move in with family while he is looking for a job, and as soon as he finds one you guys can pool your income and find an apartment for the both of you. Not wanting to live with family will be an incentive fpr your BF to find a good job faster, too – added bonus!

Post # 5
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Ruthiefreefalling:  He’s your SO, not your son. If supporting him financially makes you feel uneasy then don’t do it. If he had a good job and was laid off that would be one thing, but he’s fresh out of school and his field  is not in high demand. That’s his mistake, not your burden to bear. If you need to live separately so be it until you both have some savings. 

Post # 6
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ruthiefreefalling:  Just because he can’t find a job in his field right away, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be contributing. He could work anywhere as long as it’s bringing in money. I understand if he ends up working hard at a low-pay job, you may have to pay a little more for things because he is unable to, but I would NEVER spend a cent on a guy who was just sitting around.

Post # 7
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m surprised to see people making it seem like she shouldn’t support him. I mean, I definitely think he needs to be putting 100% of his efforts into finding a job, but my FI and I are a team. We are each others family afte 3 1/2 years of dating, and we too were in a LDR at the beginning of our relationship and now live together, and moved in with job uncertainty, but have always stepped up to take care of each other when the other hit a rough patch. That is what relationships are like. Now this is just MY opinion because I don’t know the full story of OP’s relationship, but if I wasn’t willing to be the bread winner for a bit to help out my FI I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship, since relationships are rarely equal. It’s give an take for sure, and if it were me, I would look at this as my turn to give.

Post # 8
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MissPhish: FI isnt the same as SO. 

Ruthiefreefalling: airplane principle — make sure your O2 mask is on first before you help your neighbor. 

You shouldn’t take on more than you can handle by yourself if he can’t contribute. Period. If you both want to move in together, you can if it’s an apartment that the person who makes less can afford on his or her own. This protects you both in case the worst happens.

if you don’t want to move in yet, this whole discussion is a moot point. if you do, how does he feel about the house budget?

Post # 9
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

bitsybee:  Yeah, but we have been together the same amount of time, are just recently engaged, and have helped each other through hard times long before our engagement.

 

Post # 10
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

MissPhish:  +1 

I guess it really depends on how she sees her relationship. DH and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged, at any point beyond the 3rd year mark, I would have supported my DH if it had ever become necessary. I knew and trusted him to have every intention to get a job and get his life on track, so that would not have been a concern. 

OP, it’s up to you, but perhaps discuss this with him further. Maybe give him some more time to see if he can get a job. Is there any way that you two could rent a smaller place? If you don’t see this relationship heading toward marriage (not saying you have to pull the trigger now) after 3+ years of dating…maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Post # 11
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MissPhish: that’s great for you and your relationship. I’m glad you’re engaged to someone you’d go to those lengths for and vice versa.

My FI and I got engaged after a year of dating. I dated others for longer but would not have done for them what I do for FI. He’s my FI for a reason!

There’s a reason FI is FI and SO is SO. If OP isn’t ready to take her relationship to the next level, that’s ok. Don’t make her feel guilty for not moving at your relationship’s pace. She can live as her own honest, authentic self. Her relationship moves at its pace.

Post # 12
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

MissPhish:  I agree with what you’re saying, but I also understand the OP. It’s a tricky situation, especially if she doesn’t have a full control over it. My FI has supported me financially since I am currently at school and I am SOOO thankful for that. But, I was not 100% sure if I could do the same before we actually got engaged. For me, personally, it was a reassurance that he is for real and it motivated me to step up and take care of him (financially) if needed, because that’s when I really saw us being a team, rather than me and him seperately. Maybe the OP is the same. Or maybe she just doesn’t see a future with this person. In any case, although I think it’ll be extremely cruel to not support her SO, it might be the better decision. OP do you see yourself with that person in the future? I think that’s the question you should ask yourself. If yes – then you should for sure have his back. If not (which is my observation, by the way), then let him know the truth in time.

In either case, listen to your heart! (mind can sometimes play tricks on us 😉 ) Good luck!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  cinderella2.
Post # 13
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

As someone on the other side of this situation, I can only tell you one thing: It sucks. When FI and I lived together, we both had good jobs and could help with rent and everything. Once I lost mine, we both had to uproot and move back in with our parents. Now, he’s got an even better job, but my new one is completely worthless. He’s recently stated that while he could afford to support us both, he’s not comfortable with moving out of our parents’ houses and in with each other until I find something better and have been there for a while.

Is it smart? Absolutely. Do I blame him for feeling that way? Not at all. But it does suck. I’m already depressed and stressed that my dream job isn’t cutting it, about having to find a new one in this market, trying to afford the cost of living, and I can’t even go home to my FI and vent or cry or wallow. I need his support and there are times where I simply don’t have it because he’s frustrated, too. While the logical side of me knows he resents the situation, the emotional side feels like he resents me. I don’t sit around all day and do nothing. I work, go to school, look for a new job. Sometimes it feels like my best just isn’t good enough. It just sucks.

If he had his own place and refused to let me move in with him because of that, I’d be distraught. I would feel like even more of a failure than I already do. Thankfully, that’s neither our nor your situation. I agree with FI that we aren’t at a place to find a new place for us both to live. I think you’re right in not wanting to get an apartment just yet. I think y’all need to have a discussion about this whole thing. He needs to explain to you his plan, his backup plan, his feelings about the whole situation. You need to do the same and work it out. Also, while you can’t support him financially, don’t stop supporting him emotionally. Listen to him, be there for him, lift him out of the dumps. 

Post # 14
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

OP, I think it’s normal to be experiencing these doubts. Your relationship has alot of gray area at the moment. 

It sounds a bit as though you wouldn’t be that torn apart if you two broke up, or maybe I’m reading too much into your post. But you need to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you see a future together. 

Frankly, if you were 100% on board with sticking with him, I suspect you wouldn’t think twice (once yes) about supporting him. And it’s ok if you’re not 100%. But asking yourself the hard questions will be necessary before you make these upcoming big decisions.

Then it’s time for the big talk with your man.

Post # 15
Member
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

MissPhish: I agree with what you’re saying and my S/O is not my FI (yet) but I would support him if it came to it – as it is we’re both pretty poor right now and supporting each other. BUT part of being an adult in an adult relationship is making smart financial choices, even if they aren’t ideal. Graduating with a ton of debt and no job offers and expecting to move in with your SO is not a smart choice. If you’re living together, seriously committed to each other (which doesn’t necessarily mean engaged but it doesn’t sound like the OP feels seriously committed either), and you hit a rough patch then you should of course support your SO. But to purposefully put yourself into that rough patch and expect your SO to give you a free ride when you have smarter albeit less desirable choices (eg moving in with your parents)? That’s just immature. 

OP, my recommendation would be to talk to him and let him know you’re not sure you feel prepared to pay higher rent on your own and support him. Suggest he moves in with his parents or finds a cheap room to rent on his own until he has a job secure and then you can figure out what you BOTH can afford and move in together in a few months. 

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