Weddingbee boards

I know that there have been others who have written on this suject.  I read their words in past years here yesterday.

Yet I feel so distraught over this suject, I need my own post.  Please tell me your feelings and reply.  I need support and I just absolutely do not want anyone in my family or our friends to find out about my reaction because they would either be mortified by it OR (even worse to me) they would have a bad image of the man I know is the love of my life !!!

I was married for seven years and had two children to another man long ago.  We were together (dating and mariage) for a total of ten years.  We separated ten years ago, at least nearly (it will be ten exactly in January 2012).

I never had difficulty finding men who were attracted to me.  I just didnt find a man that I fell totally in love with or who I thought was a good man.  My family was even getting a bit worried, and my father even once said that perhaps I was too demanding or unrealistic in a future relationship.

I am so happy today that I stuck to my own instincts and principals.  I met the man I know is the love of my life.  It was natural and clear to me from Day 1.

If I was so focused on the purpose of remarrying or even focused on finding someone wealthy, I had my chances and more than one time.  One man drove 6 hours MONTHS AFTER WE HAD BROKEN UP to announce to me that I was the one and he just had to marry me.  He was head of a company.  I cared for him, and it hurt me to say no.  I also even dated on and off a millionaire for three years.  He was a good friend when we weren't dating.  I could have walked out of that relationship with tons of jewelry and presents... all I ever accepted was some local tidbit food from a country he had visited or a cd that he had wanted to share with me.  I didn;t feel right accepting expensive gifts from a guy that I was just dating.

My future husband, well I didn't even have a slight idea of how much money he makes for at least six months or more into our relationship... and this because he was complaning about not receiving a certain bonus.  I couldn't have given a hoot how much he makes... As long as we can live with a roof over our heads and comfortably that is what counts.  For the rest, I would not hesitate to offer him a very expensive gift... the car he has always dreamed of for example..

Last winter I learned that he was checking out rings.  I was thrilled, and flattered.  We went on vacation somewhere and planned together to buy a ring during that vacation, yet we never did.  That was nearly a year ago.  After much discussion, he finally told me that he was having money problems.  He had recently divorced before meeting me and he was endetted over it all.  He didn't ask for a dime, yet had to pay for many bills that she refused to pay for and just to end the mariage quickly, not have any disputes and to get as far away from the lady as possible he decided to just pay for everything himself and leave it at that.  He needed out.

I felt so badly that during all that time I had been dreaming ring ring ring when he didn't even kknow it, and I told him one evening "Look, you don't need to buy me a diamond ring right now... I was even showing you at first the rubies and the sapphires, but you had wanted it to be diamond and special.. why don't you just buy me a ruby or sapphire ring and then in the future when you do have the money, even after we get married, buy me that diamond when you can"  I just later expressed my worry that he would NEVER buy me a diamond in the future, nt seeing the point because we would already be married.  He said that he would if it would be in one year's time or five... but he wanted to offer me that.

Then this summer he received a huge check from work... HUGE.  He equalled out his bank stuff from years before AND he had enough to buy me a ring he had wanted.  He began to bring me shopping for rings (by the way as an added detail he receives fine enough salary per month to live comfortably).

I was so excited !!!! I cannot count how many rings I looked at.  I looked at so many rings, because I wanted this to be special.  I had always dreamed of a typical and expensive engagement ring.. I dreamed of it but it was not the essential in life (see above what I already wrote about that).

We looked together and I decided that the cost of the diamonds had become just too expensive and rather than look at huge I looked at what was pretty big anyway and the perfect dream think - one carat.

We looked at different styles and we both wanted something simple, not yelow gold, but modern (a touch of originality).  I was getting frustrated because despite how many rings I saw nothing felt me.

Then one day we walked by a jeweler's and he was tired of looking at rings all the time and didn't want to go in.  He waited outside, had a coffee and spoe to a colleague on the phone while I looked.  I found the best ring I had seen up to date.  I went outside excited and he really didn't want to go in.  So I was disappointed but I gave him the card of the lady who had noted down the name and makes of the ring and diamond.

Perhaps a week later we were in the town where he was born visiting his family and it was alovely afternoon.  I felt good and really enjoying the week-end.  I even met his grandmother who is a thousand years old and a surprising character.. so little and pretty but with all her spirits.  We walked by a jewelry shop and went in.  He was interested and in the mood.  WOOOOOOOOOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unexpectantly we saw two ring, THAT WERE EXATLY THE STYLE WE WERE SEARCHING FOR !!!! One he liked better, but the carat was 0,40 and he asked the man if it was possible to replace it with a one carat.  He took down the guy's name and we left, and I was certain that we had finally found that ring.  It would be one or the other in my mind.

Then no ring.  I was spending weeks waiting for that special moment and I kept trying to second guess. I kept thinking that he was keeping secrets and joking with me.  He likes to tease me.

Then three weeks after that week-end he brought me into a jewelry shop near my place.  I was confused.  At first I thought that it was a ruse to confuse me (that would be typical of him).  Yet as we were looking at rings and he was talking, I was getting more and more confused.  He liked a ring that I admit was beautiful, yet it was so flashy to me.  I liked it, and probably I would have liked it the most if I hadnt seen the other rings.  I felt kind of depressed or I don't know the feeling.  In a bad mood.  Other rings I looked at the jeweler would say "so ?" and I was silent and my love would pipe in a laugh that the diamond was too small and I would nod. 

For months he liked to joke with me and call me Kate Hudson (from bridal wars) which he thought was hilarious.  When I would answer embarrassed and mutter "I can't help it, I don't know why I am so focused" he said that he kind of liked having discovered this in me.  He thought it was cute in a way.  For as much as I am not obsessed with money, he found what was so important to me "materially"

Yet beyond the material dream of that diamond ring, it wasn't that.  It was symbolic to me.  I wanted to everytime I or anyone else look at that ring to see how perfect and pure our love for each other is.  I wanted it to represent our love for each other.  If I could measure our love by a friggin diamond well the diamond would be fifty carats or more, so it wasnt' the weight... but just finding what was a perfect fit for me, for us.

Then he gave me the ring and proposed.  I was so excited by the proposal I broke down crying at the beauty and joy of our commitment, and just didn't even think to ask "where is the ring"  He proposed thinking that I would ask for it, and in his teasing way did it that way.  He had a romantic answer and way he would give it to me afterwards, yet I still didn't even think of the ring.  Only fifteen minutes later I began to realise that he was hinting well, don't you think it is time for you to have that ring ?"

I opened the box that I hadnt seen.  I was surprised.  Just a second of surprise.  It was not the style or ring that we had looked at, none of the three or four we had focused on.  Yet it was a classy choice..   I shrugged the feeling naturally off becuase despite the surprise all that mattered was that it was at least not a style that was too detached from what I had seen.  It was night and we were in the dark and I didn't really see it all that clearly.

Then the next day I was hesitant.  I thought that the diamond looked awfully small.  I wasn't at first entirely disappointed about this, but I was a bt cnfused, but I was so happy that he had offered me an engagement ring... and I was thinking of our engagement.

Yet by the end of the day it was really bugging me.  I still nevertheless grew to love the mounting style he had chosen.  I sent a picture of it to my family and eveyone thought it was great.  Yet everyone assumed it was a carat or just under... noone has really seen the thing and the photo well you can't see that well.

I will try to speed up this story now.. by the next day I brought the subject up.  I wanted at least to hear him explain why and perhaps say that he had opted for the best quality and a lesser size.  What I heard him say was that he didn't know that the carat was so important to me.  OMG  It had been a year that I had told him and we had repeatedly spoen about minimum one carat.  I gave him another option if it wasn't possible financially and we even joked and laughed so many times over this.

Then when i mentioned the ring in his home town he said that he thought I didn't like that one.  Girls, I am really confused and hurt.  I mentioned that ring a thousand times... I even asked him for the guy to send us a picture of it by email.  I even thought that one day he had driven all the way back there to get it when he was halfway there to pick up his daughter one week-end.

He finally said that if it was important, well we would go back and have a one carat diamond put in the same ring replacing the original one.  I told him right away that I couldn't do that.  I couldn't llok at the ring and think that it wasn't the one that he had picked out for me to ask me to marry him.  He told me to think about it seriously.

I felt like cr--.  I felt how could I have hurt him so ? How could I do that without this being a sad story ?  I wondered what was best... to tell him that the ring was what he had chosen for the occasion and so I would keep it and then when I dlook at it years later I would just remember that I loved him and was able to do this for him... and that it represented an amazingly akward mistake and look back at all those years and see how we have grown to be a couple that understands each other so much more.

Yet I was also confused.  If it was so easy for him to just exchange, then why did he pick that one out in the first place ?

I am not talking about 0,75 carats versus one carat... THE DIAMOND IS 0,40 carat !!!!!!!

WE NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT NOR CONSIDERED A DIAMOND THAT WAS LESS THAN 0,80 and even then HE would just as often as I would KNOW that it was not that minimum carat and so say it, or ask the person if there was something bigger.

I just am so hurt that the whole issue turned out to be "misunderstanding" about the importance of the choice.  He new enough to choose a diamond that was the best quality on many aspects, yet he was able to consider bigger diamonds with great quality as well.

I am so hurt, I am so hurt that he is probably hurt as well.

I am so hurt and I so regret that I told him that wewoud look together but to conserve some romanticism he should go back alone and buy it.  It turns out in the end that it would have been a thousand times more romantic to have ordered the darn thing side by side then to be faced with a ring that will forever remind me of this terrible moment.

How are we going to get over such a terrible and devastating hurt for both of us ?

How could he have even handed me the thing without in a touching way saying "it isnt what we looked at but I got this because..."  How the heck did he end up buying that one ?

I think the first thing I need is an explanation, what was going through his mind.  Did he get sold to by some shop keeper ? Did he panic about money ?  I don't get it.

PS  He just loves watches, and what he does not know is that I have exactly 7000 dollars in my savings account and I was going to offer him a 7000 dollar Brietling watch that he just thought was the most beautiful thing in the world.

To me, one shoud be wise with money and not endebt oneself over frivilous objects that we do not need yet something so special as marriage or just buying what someone has always dreamed of is worth the investment as long as the money can be found.  I had no hesitation in my mind when deciding I would purchase that watch for him and give it to him right before the wedding.  I would have to cut corners on other things during the time being, but it was important to me to offer something to him meaningful and what HE has always dreamed of even if I absolutely do not understand why a watch would cost so much (it isn't coated in rubies for goodness sakes).  Yet I never even had the thought of "geez why would he want such an expensive thing in life ?"  All that mattered from the day I realised how much he dreams of having that is how I can get him that.

@hana.schmitt:

Dearest Hana,

I completely understand your situation and I am sorry if some of the responses you have recieved have been snarky.  If the women telling you that size doesnt matter are doing it just to defend the size of their own rings, the advice is not coming from the right place.

I got engaged three weeks ago to the man with a heart of gold (and he looks like a movie star:)  I have never been so happy.  Anyway...Mr. Genuine bought me a ring that was absolutely absurd, I wear it everyday because it is beautiful and I absolutely love it but my georgeous ring is somewhat not suitable to wear in public.  The last thing I want is to be caught walking around at night in it.

My solution...I ordered another ring that is much more appropriate and I will wear one of the two rings at any given time.  I wear the larger ring with lingere and champagne, I wear the more modest ring while running errands.

My advice to you...dont spend all of your savings on his watch.  Would he even realize if you upgraded your diamond, you are still wearing his engagment ring and Im sure it will not remove any intended sentiment.  You have an amzaing, kind, and generous fiance.  One of lifes facts are that boys have a hard time choosing rings sometimes.  Our responsibility is to love them above all (which you clearly do) and take care of ourselves also.  If this situation is going to negatively affect your wonderful engagement just change the diamond yourself and every time you look at your ring think about how you and your fiance worked together to get you a ring that you love.  

Dont let it hurt your relationship; its just a diamond.  Fix it if you choose but the most important thing is you wear it with happiness (and maybe even a little champagne).

CONGRATULATIONS!!

@saby:

In a way, I can certainly understand your frustration, however, at the same time, I think perhaps he chose the ring he thought was perfect for you.  Perhaps, a 1+ carat isn't.

I have to say I am disappointed when I see posts like this because it isn't about the ring.  This is a man who wants you to love him for the rest of his life and who wants to love you for the rest of his. 

Anniversaries are for upgrades.  If you want an upgrade in the future @ a milestone point, go for it.

Look, my fiance and I have been struggling financially for years!! We had to get creative for our e-ring.  We took my grandma's diamond and removed it from that old European gold, put it in a new mount and then added some side baguettes!  Do you think I was disappointed I didn't get a Tiffany or whatever blood diamond brand is out there?  No, I was floored that he proposed!

I know you claim you are not shallow and materialistic, but your post does come off as you are... there are more to diamonds then size, there is quality and clarifty and colour!

I think you need to think about what is really bugging you.

@winerygirl: Love your response :)

@MidwestBride2012:  your ring sounds gorg!  Can you post a pic??? I love saphs!!!

@rosworms:  Your fiance is awesome - love his POV!

I have to add that when it comes to getting engaged and e-rings, it is like so:

a) let the guy surprise you with the ring and he will choose the ring that he things reflects you the most (over bling is NOT flattering no matter who you are)

or b) go shopping together, and work out a design that really reflects what you both want, not only ring wise, but financially too!