Post # 1
I finally got up the nerve to ask BF what his “plan” was (aka a timeline). (If you’ve read my other posts, you’ll already know that I’ve been avoiding it like the plague for fear of scaring him off)
We’ve been dating for over a year so I thought it was a good time to find out what he had in mind. He said that he wants to live together for a year before he even thinks of proposing. We moved in together back in March so that means in 9 months I can start getting excited!
The only problem is that we will also either have to renew our lease or move to a new place in March 2012. Am I selfish or wrong to want a ring before I do either of those? The whole point of moving in together was to make sure we could live with each other before we got married. Isn’t a year enough time to find that out? I am anxious that we will move in March and then he will start thinking “what’s one more year? I’ve already got her locked in anyway.” He’s a BIG procrastinator (Backstory: we decided to move in together in June, we didn’t move until the following March)
It is very important to me that we get married if we are going to keep living together. Eventually, the conversation is going to come up about what to do when our lease ends. I don’t want to give him a “marry me or I’ll find my own place” ultimatum but I really don’t want to be locked into another year lease without a commitment.
P.S. I know that I’m lucky he even gave me a timeline and that other women have waited MUCH longer than I will. It’s just that I’ve known he was “The One” since our third date. And back then he wanted everything to move quickly too. But now that we live together, everything seems to be on hold. It’s like that ‘When Harry Met Sally’ quote: When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. That’s exactly how I feel and he doesn’t seem to get it. His exact words were “what’s the difference if we get engaged and wait 2 years to get married or wait a year to get engaged and then wait another year to get married? It’s the same thing.” But it isn’t to me.
Post # 3
I wish I could give some advice but I know EXACTLY how you are feeling!
I moved in with my SO in November…but for a long time I said I wasnt moving in with him until we were engaged and he said he wasnt proposing until we lived together first. LOL But it made sense to move in together since both of our leases were up at the same time and I thought that would make it come sooner. Still waiting though!!
I also have a big procrastinator so I totally sympathize!
Hoping your proposal comes soon 🙂 🙂 🙂
Post # 4
I’m in sort of the same situation. We moved into an apartment that’s super cheap rent so we are staying here to save money before we BUY a home. But I won’t sign ANYTHING until I have a ring on my hand. I think apartment leases are ok.
You aren’t actually purchasing something. And I have seen many couples that live together and he’s actually got the ring in hand, but is feeling too much pressure to propose right away, cause he wants it to be perfect.
I would say stay living with him. Have you been together for about a year and a half? You still have plenty of time! =)
I have a friend who live with her man for 3.5 years before she got a ring!
Post # 5
@Black-Eyed-Susan: I think there is nothing wrong with your thought process. And there is nothing wrong with straight up telling him that once your lease together is up you will be moving out if you aren’t engaged. Let him know that you respected his wishes enough to allow the both of you to live together to test out your compatibility and once that is over he needs to respect your desire to not get caught up in a lease with someone who isn’t your fiance. Let him know you understand that life happens and things get delayed. But if you arent engaged or there aren’t very serious plans for it to happen soon you will move out.
I mean. Say it nicely of course. 🙂 But there is nothing wrong with that plan so long as you don’t make it sound like a malicious ultimatum.
Post # 6
I think a year is definitely enough time. I will say that if no proposal by the end of the lease. Move. That’s my opinion. There is no reason why you can’t still be together and live seperately. Just inform him that you feel like he’s had enough time “to make sure we could live with each other before we got married”. Now the lease is up you don’t feel comfortable with signing another one until you are at least engaged. Just like you have to be understanding to his feelings he needs to be understanding to yours. I’m saying this from experience and I wish I would have done it. SO and I have lived together for 2 1/2 years. Together almost 4 (our 4 year anniversary is in August) and if we aren’t engaged by then we are definitely going to be living seperately. Period. It’s a hard thing to do when you’ve gotten into a rhythm of living together but it may make you feel better in the end. Don’t give ultimatiums, no pressure. Just know what you want to do and do it. I wouldn’t say anything else about it for a while. Then maybe 60+ days before lease expiration you should let him know your intentions and thoroughly explain why.
Post # 7
Tell him what you told us.
Post # 8
Um yeah… what about what you want? Timelines come and go for a lot of ladies, so don’t get swept up in counting down the days. Sometimes guys like to say something to quell the engagement talk, and that’s probably not such a bad thing, but does it have to be exactly a year? Will he know in 9 months if it’s meant to be? Personally, I think so. I feel like the roles that you will each have will fall into place pretty readily and that you’ll know if it’s working or not. I have been in a situation where it truly didn’t work out, and I’m glad that I had that trial period to learn that it wasn’t meant to be. With my boyfriend of two years, I have lived with him for almost the entire time and I know that it works. We have everything worked out, there is give and take and we pay all of our bills together and have a life and puppies and have bought furniture and all.
Post # 9
Thank you all so much for your advice! I am going to keep quiet about it for now and then when the topic comes up of what we should do at the end of the lease, I’ll tell him my thoughts. No point in bringing it up before it’s really a problem. And who knows, maybe he’ll change his mind and propose early!
Post # 10
@Black-Eyed-Susan: “His exact words were “what’s the difference if we get engaged and wait 2 years to get married or wait a year to get engaged and then wait another year to get married? It’s the same thing.” But it isn’t to me.”
Maybe you should try explaining this to him. If it really is all the same to him, why would it be such a big deal to propose? If he really knows how you feel, he should at least try to compromise.