I flipped out and I feel bad. Am I wrong or should I be suspicious?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5192 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Sounds like he did everything he could to assure you.  If he was doing anything fishy I think he would have put it back on you saying that he  can’t believe you are asking to look at hisphone and you don’t trust him.

I think it’s ok.  When you are in a more calm state of mind, ask him about the pictures.  It’s pretty normal for people inrelatinoships to still enjoy porn/erotica/etc, you two just have to come to an understanding about what’s ok and what’s not.

Post # 3
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I kinda feel like you over reacted. I know people feel differently, but I honestly couldn’t care less if my SO looks at pronograpgy. And if working late is a thing he does with fair frequency than you shouldnt worry. Checking his phone records and Facebook seems overbearing to me

Post # 4
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

I think you over reacted. I don’t see what he did wrong? Maybe you just were so tired that you weren’t thinking clearly.

Post # 5
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think you overreacted, but I can understand that you’re upset about the pictures, especially when it sounds like he has been less interested in sex. That part of it isn’t ok, but I’m not sure why you flipped out on him so badly when he was home (not out like you first suspected when you woke up), and he so readily handed all of his information over to you. He even immediately told you that he wouldn’t look at the girls anymore if it bothers you. 

It’s completely ok to be against him looking at things like that (you can’t help what makes you uncomfortable), but it seems like you were looking for something to “get” him for. I think you owe him an apology, and you two should have a talk about what makes you uncomfortable.

Post # 6
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

LadyGoBlue:  So what time did he actually get home?  I understand the uneasy-ness with the pictures of other girls, but I wouldn’t let it get to you too much.  Men are visual creatures (let’s be honest, they’re pigs lol) and I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything.  

Sounds like a big misunderstanding, but if you have deep rooted feelings or any distrust based on your past, maybe you should both seek therapy.  I was damaged by a bad relationship and I unfairly took that out on my FI in the begining, so I have an idea of how you’re feeling.  

Post # 8
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

LadyGoBlue:  I think you definitely overreacted. It seems like he came home at a “normal” time and happened to be in the bathroom when you woke up. Do you know how long he’d been home?

You should’ve dropped it after looking at his work phone. It doesn’t seem he was acting suspicious at all. All of his “huhs” were probably because it was 1:30 AM and he was confused why you were so upset.

Regarding the photos…they likely have nothing to do with you. Many men view porno girls as ones they’d fantasize about banging but wouldn’t date/marry. I wouldn’t worry too much about that.

Cut your guy some slack 🙂

Post # 9
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

LadyGoBlue:  I feel you overreacted.

If you are not comfortable with him looking at pictures of girls (some people are, some people aren’t and that OK) then you guys need to talk about that as a separate issue.

Asking him questions like that and accusing him is not helping anyone. He handed over everything without question and had a legitimate excuse. I understand you have had some issues in the past to cause your mind to wander, but if these suspicians continue – it will stress your relationship. 

Post # 10
Member
326 posts
Helper bee

You sound traumatized. He sounds understanding. Men like to look, whether it be porn or a picture. they weren’t pictures that were sent specifically to him so I don’t really see concern here. Trust him. 

Post # 11
Hostess
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

i think you probably over-reacted, and it sounds like your DH is understanding of your issues (which you say are mutual) and he did everything to reassure you that nothing’s going on.

I understand you being concerned about the ‘porn’ but I wouldn’t worry to much.  As long as he’s only with you, does it really matter if sometimes he likes a little ‘inspiration’?

I would mention the pictures to your therapist and she what s/he says.

Post # 12
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

It sounds like you already suspect you overreacted, so I don’t feel too harsh saying I agree. However, I say that as someone who has never been cheated on before (to my knowledge) so maybe I am just not able to sympathize. In this case, I’m thinking you overreacted due to being disoriented from waking up with a start and then triggered by the “working late” line that used to mean something very different in your previous relationship.

That said, I think it’s really wise you’re going to therapy! Individual and couples. We did couples therapy for marriage prep and I have been in individual therapy for almost 10 years now (with few breaks here and there) just to maintain good mental health. It makes a huge difference in life and relationships in my opinion. In your case, I would really work on how to process your feelings about your past relationship, the cheating, and being secure, because I do believe that reacting that way over something like this is a surefire way to eventually alienate your partner.

It appears he was pretty patient (maybe having been cheated on himself, he can understand) but if my husband demanded (or even just asked) to see every account and device I own to prove to him I was telling the truth I would be VERY offended when I had not actually done anything to warrant the demands. Your ex and current fiance are apples and oranges — one’s behavior has NO impact on the liklihood of the other to behave a certain way.

I had one extremely insecure ex. I am talking wouldnt go to the bathroom when we were out at a bar because he just couldnt STAND to come back and see another man talking to me. He was just convinced I could and would leave him for someone better at any given time. He was too prideful to ever admit he was insecure due to his own issues and to get help for them, and instead chalked it up to “loving me so much.” Eventually it drove me away and that’s the primary reason I left.

I am NOT SAYING this would ever happen with you guys or that you do this type of thing to your husband to this extreme — I am just pointing out that not being able to trust your partner can be very damaging to a relationship and it would be really wise to nip this in the bud in therapy before you get married.

Sounds like you have a devoted man that is committed to you and making your relationship work 🙂

Post # 14
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are over-reacting.  This, coming from a woman whose first marriage ended because my husband cheated.  You can’t let your past experiences taint your future happiness.  Your DH is NOT your Ex, and you should not be suspicious of him because of your ex’s mistakes.

Post # 15
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

LadyGoBlue:  Try to put yourself in his place, how would you feel if he reacted the same way?  I think you must have been tired and allowed the stress to get to you.  I’d be upset if I woke up and my husband wasn’t home that late at night, or I thought he wasn’t, but I think I’d calm down quickly and not go to the extreme lengths that you did.  Be aware that when you treat someone like a cheater even if they’re not it makes the chance of their future cheating go up and not down.

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