I found out he met with his ex girlfriend 3 year ago…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@sfigu16:  If you weren’t together, it’s really none of your business what he did during the “break.” However, if you were trying to figure out your relationships and he was having a side relationship without telling you (which is a lie by omission) then that is disgusting behaviour. Obviously he wasn’t invested in fixing things with you if he had a backup plan. Chances are, she never knew about you either.

Post # 5
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

@sfigu16:  Honestly, if someone asked me questions about something that was really none of their business, I would probably not be forthright with them either, particularly if the answer would upset them.

Let it go.  It’s ancient history. He’s with you now.

 

Post # 6
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It doesn’t involve you. You two were broken up, what he did with her was his business. Whether or not he was in love with her, or slept with her, or flew her to paris on the back of a pegasus, it doesn’t involve you and it isn’t any of your business. Not even if he has lied to you in the past.

This was three years ago. You need to just let it be dust in the wind. Even if you found out he did meet with her more than once, so what? You were broken up. It was three years ago, and you absolutely cannot change what you think happened or didn’t happen.

Post # 7
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds like he met up with her again after they got back together though? 

Post # 8
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ugh, it’s easy for people to say get over it when they aren’t emotionally involved. I understand why you are upset. If he truly only saw her when you were broken up I’d encourage you to let that part of it go. As for lying about who she was, I would try to forgive bc he wasn’t doing anything wrong at the time and probably just didn’t want to hurt you. However, if he saw her while you were back together and didn’t tell you I think he owes you an explanation and you need to figure out if you can trust him. I’m sorry OP. That sucks.

Post # 9
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Ok, if I read this right (OP you might want to confirm, cause it looks like I am not the only Bee who is confused about the facts)

You two were dating.

You broke up for aprox 8 months (for whatever reason)

During THAT TIMEFRAME he began dating her.  He says it was for aprox 3 months, and he never slept with her.  Altho they did go to Florida together on vacation, which you have since found out about (photos, videos).

Then you two work on getting back together (he is still seeing her, but doesn’t tell you)

Then you two do get back together.

And ONLY NOW you discover that once you two were back together he at one point did see her “I thought we were supposed to see each other today?”… which was a planned meet up with her, although he was seeing you.

(Not totally clear WHERE the quoted statement comes from… is it something you said, she said, a text ?)

But anyhow that is the crux of your problem.

Three Years later, you and him are still together and you discover that he was actually for awhile in your getting back together early days… still seeing her (or at least one time)

Right… Did I understand all that, and get the details right ??

— — —

If so, ya it sucks he lied to you, twisted the truth.  He may have done so because he wanted so desperately to get back together with you (afterall it sounds like the 8 month break up was your idea and not his… altho you haven’t told us WHY you guys broke up to begin with… that may or may not shed some light on this issue)

IF you broke up with him, chances are he didn’t want to p!ss you off / risk not reconciling with you if you were open to it… by telling you he was seeing someone else in the interim

8 Months is a long time… and by all accounts you guys were over and done with.  So he had every right to move on with his social life (truly the healthy thing to do).  You cannot hold THAT against him.  Whether he saw her for 1 day, 3 months, or 7 months and 29 Days… that is HIS BUSINESS and not yours.

So you need to FORGET the whole Florida thing… which seems to bother you the most here in your post (probably because there is “evidence” of his being happy with her in pictures / video…).  In reality the guy didn’t have to be a MONK / SAINT just cause you weren’t in the picture any longer (pun intended).  YOU WERE GONE.  Period.  He had every right to enjoy his life and be happy.

(sorry)

Now if he met up with her after you two got back together… whole other issue.  To finally break it off in person… (ie early days) then that would be OK.  2 or 3 months down the road for a rendez-vous… Ummm, NO NOT OK

Getting together then would for me at least… would be out-of-bounds.  But then I am very clear in my relationships about boundaries.  My men (man) doesn’t have one-on-one meet-ups / friendships with other women … and certainly not Exes.

So ya, that might consitute in the very least… EMOTIONAL CHEATING in my book.

ONLY HE can tell you what went down in those days when the two of you were back together and he was meeting up with her

All that aside,

It has been 3 years now.  Unless he is still seeing her in some way, I cannot see where this needs to be such a HUGE issue in your life any more.  He is with you now… either as your SO, Fiance or Husband.

Sooo, unless he is fooling around on the side, I don’t think there is any element here for not trusting him…

You need to let this all go, it will be the best for you, him, and the relationship that you have together

(( HUGS ))

I hope this helps,

 

Post # 10
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I understand that you might be hurt and upset, but you two were broken up and technically there is nothing you can do about it now. I would just put it behind me! 

Post # 11
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I totally understand that you are upset he lied to you- I get upset if FI lies to me even if it’s about something that doesn’t matter….I don’t like lies. But really, it wasn’t your business and probably felt uncomfortable talking to you about it. 

I would drop it

Post # 12
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It sounds like they met up once after he and OP got back together. But still, unless he was leading a double life for some time, I would let it go. It’s been three years.

Post # 13
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

@This Time Round:  thanks for this recap, I had a hard time understanding the post.

OP, I can see where you felt that because this was being covered up, or he didn’t tell you, that you might be wondering if he’s lying to you about something else. 

It’s ok for him to have dated someone else in that time period of not dating and kind of dating, and it doesn’t sound like he was truly cheating on you. 

I’d be just as pissed as you, and hurt. I think right now- the best thing to do is keep yourself away from him, and take time to calm down for a day. Gather your thoughts. Write them down. 

Then, call your sweetheart and say, “I’d like to talk tonight around 9pm about how I am feeling.’ The reasoning behind this is so that he can gather his thoughts too.

When it comes for that time, remember to use “I feel” and “I am upset about” and “I wonder”. This helps keep the discussion more at a civil level so that way you guys are less likely to start screaming at each other and getting nowhere.

I hope this helps!

Post # 14
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My question would be, why did he meet up with her after the two of you are working on getting back together? Was he telling her that he could no longer see her anymore? If thats the case, then id let it go. if he was breaking things off with her, he was at least trying to be decent about it. If he was seeing her as a date or something to that effect, then id be infuriated whether it was 3 yrs ago or not. id attempt to get the details on this or you will be wondering about this forever.

Post # 15
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We took a break. He went out with someone else during that time. I never would’ve known, except a gossipy mutual friend told me. I’m saying this to show that I understand your situation.

i didn’t like it. But what he did while we were broken up was NOT my business. I knew that. And I didn’t hold it over his head or use it to make him feel bad because that would’ve been irrational and wrong. At first he was so tight lipped about it that you could’ve called it deceit… but when he realized that I wasn’t going to use it against him, he felt safe and was honest about it.

He even told me some of her shortcomings that made him realize he wanted to be with me And we joked about it. He never would’ve done that if he’d been afraid i’d blow up at him. We talked really honestly, and it brought us closer.

my advice is this: don’t use it against him. Be calm and accepting. It sucks to know that he dated someone else for a while, but don’t alienate him now.  Calm acceptance of the past (you can’t change it, after all!) is the best way to encourage honesty. 

Post # 16
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@sfigu16:  I don’t get a lot of these posts. Whilst I agree that what he did with her when you weren’t together is none of your business, I however do not think that it is ok to lie to you and base the start of your relationship on a lie.

He obviously knew that if he told you the truth that you would not continue to date him so he essentially tricked you into being with him.

You cannot trust him because of this so I don’t think talking to him will help as he is just as likely to lie again so as to not upset/lose you. He obviously doesn’t want to lose you but he should be truthful to you and hope that you accept it and forgive him rather than lie to you and keep stuff from you…

I am really, really sorry that you are going through this but maybe its a good thing in a way as I am sure that there is someone more deserving of you out there. I hope you manage to figure it out but I wouldn’t trust what he say’s as he’ll only say what you want to hear. sorry

 

 

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