- 5 months ago
My ex-fiance and I got engaged on our second anniversary. Our relationship was absolutely perfect. I was the happiest I’ve ever been and everything was a dream. He’s ten years older but the age difference always helped us- he had perspectives on things in my life that were so helpful. I always felt like his equal. We were partners. We’d lived together for almost a year and I had just been offered my dream job in the city his aging parents lived in. We were planning a wedding, planning a move, planning our lives together.
As we were driving to our future city of residence on Tuesday to look at apartments, a 5 hour car ride, we were joking about how much fun it would be to get married surrounded by dogs and he gave me his phone to Google about how we could make that happen.
As I was googling, an email popped up, it was something from a woman with a fetishy title. I was confused, so I opened it. From there I found out that he was into something I still don’t understand. He gives money to girls for no reason, wire transfers cash, gift cards, expensive gifts. He pays them to do their college homework, he wants to be dominated by them. I saw that he bought someone a Michael Kors bag the day before my birthday when we were on vacation together. He didn’t give me a gift because money was tight so we split the vacation instead. The weekend we spent away for our anniversary when he proposed he talked to these girls, did assignments for them, and bought them things.
As I was seeing all of this he kept trying to take the phone away and I kept refusing. I kept asking what more will I find? What else is there to hide now?? He said nothing, he just didn’t want me to get overwhelmed with all of it.
Then I found them. In his sent folder. Tons of pictures of middle school girls in bikinis with their friends, some poor girls trying to pose sexy, that were screenshot off Instagram. I freaked. Eventually, after I calmed down, he told me that he’s only been in contact with underage girls twice and only on the internet. He said he “gets stuck” in his mind and feels like he’s 13 again and wants those girls but it could never happen in person because he can’t forget who he is. He said the rest of the photos he would find on the fetish accounts he follows and go to their Instagrams.
By this point, he had pulled over so I could just get out of the car and think for a minute. After an hour or so of processing, I ended it. He was angry. He said that he always wanted to tell me but he knew he’d lose me. He said he wants help and our love should be strong enough to stay through this. We stayed in a hotel room that night because we were too distraught to drive. I sobbed all night long and he said he would comfort me if I would take him back. I kept saying we could have worked through the fetish stuff, the money stuff, but never ever ever children. He says it’s just a fantasy and not real life. But it IS real life for those girls!!!!
The next morning we drove home and I left for my parent’s house. I couldn’t be in the beautiful home we created together after all of that.
Now, I have to go home. Tomorrow I will see him, be back in our home, and have to sort through our things and figure out what to do next. I need help. He is so disgusting, so repulsive, but I still love him with everything and that makes me just as sick as he is. It doesn’t feel real yet. How could it all be so perfect one moment and the very next I’m discovering everything?
I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating. Last night we talked on the phone for five hours. I had horrible self esteem when I met him, but with his love and the therapy he insisted I get, I was feeling a bit better. I felt like if someone as beautiful and wonderful as him could love me so fully, I must have some worth. Now that’s all gone and I don’t even feel human. I’m some lesser breed who can never deserve love or honesty or anything real. I’m so broken.
If you have any advice, any suggestions, please tell me. I feel so hopeless and worthless right now. Nothing is helping numb the pain. I can’t believe I can ever feel as happy as I did with him, because everything about our relationship was a lie.