I found out on Tuesday that my (now ex) fiance is a pedophile. I need help.

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
6347 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Well, first I would call the police and let them know that he is in possession of child pornography and has had contact with minors on the internet. 

Second – who he is and what he had done had nothing to do with your self-worth. But I would absolutely schedule some therapy sessions to help you work through all of this.

Post # 3
Member
1438 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Wow. I’m sorry you had to find out like that. I’m sorry he wasn’t who you thought he was. You really are better off without him. It’ll hurt for a long time though and that’s OK. You might want to talk a professional and try to make sure your self esteem isn’t routed in him. You don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to be lied to like that.

I also understand if you can’t bring yourself to do it but ideally I think you need to contact the police. If he’s smart he’ll have deleted everything but there’s usually something left behind. As you said these are real kids and they need protection.

Post # 4
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

dachmomma :  That is awful, I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation.  It hurts and will take time for your to process, but this is seriously the kind of sh*t you see on ‘To Catch A Predator’.  It’s horrible that your whole life has been flipped upside down like this, but you do not need someone like this in your life.  He needs professional help – something you can’t give him – and it’s best to completely cut ties.

Also, what PP said about reporting him.

Post # 5
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I am so sorry bee.

 

I agree with pp about contacting the police.

Right now, you’re in shock. You’re doing the right thing by leaving so absolutely keep up with that.

Other than leaving and contacting the police, you need to give yourself time to let this sink in. Reach out to friends and family for help to sort through your feelings. 

Post # 6
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Wow. That’s really terrible, but I’m glad that you were able to find out before your married the guy. And good on you for being strong and breaking it off immediately.

Love is like a drug addiction, you can’t just turn it off, so please don’t feel like you are disgusting for still loving him. You still love the man you thought he was and you shouldn’t feel bad for that. Eventually those feelings will fade and you will move on.

Stop talking to him about anything more than the logistics of you leaving. There is no more explanation needed. He has no reasonable excuse for what he’s done. Take someone with you when you go to get your stuff for support. I would also consider reporting him to the police if he’s been chatting with underage girls online and getting inappropriate photos. 

Stay strong, you will get through this. 

Post # 7
Member
5795 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I think you are right to end it–you are spot on: this is real life for those girls. 

That said.. I don’t think everything about your relationship was a lie.  He helped you improve your self esteem, he helped you go to therapy, those are great things, and very real things, and I really hope you don’t let them regress.  It’s very unfortunate that the part of him you got to know was so wonderful: it must make accepting that there’s a part of him that’s unforgivable so much worse.

You really should go to your therapist and talk through this with him/her, as much as you need to.  You have a lot to process, and she/he will be able to help you way more than strangers on the net.

 

Post # 8
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

This is when you rip that bandaid right off. You don’t love him honey, you love who you THOUGHT he was. And he just turned out to be completely different then you thought. The first thing you need to do is tell your family and the police. Why? Because this is something that NEEDS to be reported, and you need you family or friends there to support you. He may not ever be charged but you couldn’t live with yourself if you later found out there was more going on—and I suspect there was. 

 

You also need to get yourself tested at the doctor’s office if he was with other women. Don’t even question it, don’t make excuses, just go in and ask for a full STD/safety panel. 

 

You don’t deserve to be lied to. You are allowed to mourn the future you thought you had, you are allowed to be devastated that this happened, but don’t mourn losing HIM because he’s clearly not the person he pretended to be. 

Post # 9
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

First, you have self-esteem and confidence because you are leaving him. There is always a news story about women staying with men who hurt and exploit children. You are not one of them. Second, it’s better that you know this now before marriage and children. Third, and this is hard for me to say, but you need to speak with law enforcement. If he says he was in contact with underage girls and has photos, someone has to check this out. If he didn’t do anything illegal there should be no problem. Fourth, you need to speak with someone that can help you get through this very hard time. I really do feel for you. 

Post # 10
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

You are so strong! You are worthy of the life you thought you had and you are worthy of love. A greater love than this. You made he best decision for your life by leaving. But being with him wasn’t pointless, it helped you to find who you are and become the strong woman that was able to walk away. After an hour! Others would’ve come here asking for help for what to do after finding out but you, this amazing strong woman, left on your own and are coming here to ask for guidance on how to feel better. 

Please see how strong you are. And please see your therapist. There is a lot to work through here before you will be able to trust again, but you can, and will be okay. Better than okay. We are here for you, Bee. Pm me if you need to. 

Post # 11
Member
571 posts
Busy bee

dachmomma :  CALL THE POLICE. He should not be in contact with these children, EVER. He is sick in the head and needs professional help. They ALWAYS start out by saying they will never meet up with a child, and their desires eventually get the best of them and they do. Can you really live with the thought of him touching a child and knowing you could have prevented it???

You need to get into therapy ASAP for this. You were lied to and maniputaled by psychopathic pedophile, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are worthy of love, BUT this wasnt love, this was manipulation and him pretending to be the guy you deserve. You can’t go from 100 to 0 when you truly thought you loved someone. That does not make you sick like him, but you KNOW the right thing to do and it does make it disturbing if you dont do it. Listen to your head, not your heart. Broken hearts heal with time, but a child’s life could be ruined forever. 

Post # 12
Member
1033 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry, bee. It is really SO SO SO terrible to find out that someone you thought you knew/trusted is actually a terrible person. I am so glad you dumped him immediatly. Stay strong, bring someone with you if you need to (you never know, he might get violent, even if he’s never been violent before).

Post # 13
Member
2737 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

dachmomma :  I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what a horrible shock this must have been. Can you bring someone with you for support when you go back to the house to get your things? A family member or friend?

Post # 14
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You are amazing for leaving him on the spot, you have your self confidence that you are taking with you from the relationship. This incident hasnt and wont take that from you!

I’m sorry for what you are going through, but you will get through it! 

Post # 15
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee

I would first gather your bearings. That’s quite a shock. This does not reflect on you, he’s the perv. You are so strong. You saw what it was and without hesitation you did the right thing. There’s just one more right thing you need to do, you need to call the police. You need to report him because his behavior will likely only escalate. 

You then need to see if you can have the police they’re when you get your stuff. That will help. Then have a lawyer deal with the property and you can be free of him. 

I’m so so so sorry this happened. It’s heartbreaking in a strange way. But now after contacting the police, you need to take care of you. This was quite a blow so you deserve some time to find your place in your world again. You can do this. Hugs. 

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