I got a TTC timeline…but I don't know if it's right for us!

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@victorianghost:  a few months aren’t going to make or break you as far as a timeline goes. Life happens and it doesn’t alway follow our planned timeline so it’s important to be flexible. I would simply wait and see what the next few months bring and reevaluate when March comes. Ultimately you need to do what you are comfortable with whether or not that fits into the neat timeline you have planned. 

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

I know a lot of people won’t agree with me, but when it comes to having a baby and you’re already married, you know you want children, and there aren’t any terrible things happening or about to happen, the best thing to do is just have sex sans birth control and let nature take it’s course. 

That’s all, just let nature take it’s course. I understand wanting to have the right jobs and trying to see what time is right, but because no one ever really knows what will happen in the next few months or years, the right time is now. Children are too important and fertility too fleeting to do all of this worrying about this and that. 

If that just doesn’t seem right to you, then I also suggest writing down the things that you and your husband think are an absolute must before conceiving, writing down a general date by which you would like to have these things done, and then working toward meeting those goals. If the goals you made are met before the stated date, go ahead and try to conceive. If the date comes or is on its way, and those goals haven’t been met, go ahead and try to conceive. Sometimes you just have to go ahead and do something even though the situation you’re in isn’t ideal. 

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I understand exactly how you feel. DH and I had originally planned to start ttc around our one year anniversary….but we ended up getting new jobs and moving, and since my job is a contract (with a 99 per cent guarantee it will become permanant), we agreed to wait until it does. I’m 27, and wanted two kids before 30, but clearly that isn’t happening.

I don’t really have a lot of advice because I get antsy about it sometimes….I’ve been putting a lot of energy into setting up our new home and my new job…we also planned a few trips which was a good distraction.  Just try to focus on enjoying married life (everyone keeps saying how much I’ll miss this time!). You know deep down that waiting is the right thing…you want to give your child every opportunity,  and you both need jobs for that!

Post # 6
Member
3721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

As a person who has TONS of friends in academia, the job market sucks (especially in English fields). Plus some insurances count pregnancy as a pre existing condition (stupid but true). 

I would really wait until one of you has a full time job with benefits before trying. 

Post # 7
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think you are worrying about way too many what-ifs. You are overthinking and overanalyzing all of this. I also agree with @Rhopalocera: I believe in just having normal sex and letting it happen. I don’t understand all the planning and pressure and specific baby-making instances of sex for people who don’t have fertility issues.  Talk to your husband some more.

 

Post # 8
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@victorianghost:  I like your current timeline! So even if one of you gets work an not the other, there will be someone home with the baby.

And you might not get pregnant right away, anyway!

Post # 11
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@victorianghost:  Lol that wouldn’t be an “accident”, just nature taking it’s course and doing what it’s meant to do. 

I hope everything works out well. Just a bit more advice: try to cut down on the planning and over-thinking, like Mrs. W mentioned. Just have sex, normal sex, seeing as how you’re basically doing that anyway. I think the half-way TTC/planning on waiting by pulling out, but not using birth control, will just make things more difficult for you and your husband, because it’s like half way committing to something. It’s like planning for something not to happen because you don’t think it’s the right time, but doing nearly everything that makes that very thing happen. 

Do what’s right for you of course, I’m just making suggestions. I hope everything goes well. Good luck! 

 

Post # 12
Member
3210 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@victorianghost:  Hey, my FI and I are dual PhDs too! Currently in grad school still.

I felt like, reading your post, that I could have written it myself. We’ll be almost the exact same ages when I finish my PhD, and I, too, am so ready to TTC, but know that I need to wait. (I am a few years behind you.)

I think your March timeline makes PERFECT sense, and that knowing more about later-stage interviews will help you know then if the time is right. Also, keep in mind that your DH would have plenty of time to find an alternative job if the TT job doesn’t work out. And the chances of it not working out for EITHER of you is probably pretty low.

You don’t need to worry about pregnancy as a pre-existing condition anymore–yay ACA!

And moving while pregnant–well, it won’t be the easiest, but moving is always already (English PhD joke, lol) horrible, so I would try not to worry about it.

If another perspective helps, we’re planning on TTC while I’m dissertating, lol, as my FI will be done with his PhD and hopefully in a halfway decent job by then. So, yeah, no time is going to be perfect!

 

Post # 13
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@victorianghost: I am the same as you, a planner who thinks everything out to the nth degree. I have been struggling with the same kinds of questions regarding TTC, and I have finally come to the following conclusion:

If I wait for the perfect job with the perfect benefits and the perfect schedule, in the perfect house in the perfect town with the perfect budget, so I can have the perfect baby with perfect timing… I will never have a baby, lol. Maybe a decade or so ago it was a more reasonable assumption to think both you/husband can find full-time jobs with benefits and mat/pat leave. But these things just aren’t guarantees anymore, and I think our generation just has to find new ways to make raising a family work.

If you want to have a baby, have a baby. You are organized and responsible enough that even if you can’t find a way to address all of your concerns now, you will find ways to do so during the nine months of waiting. 🙂

Post # 14
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I think you are way overthinking this.  I am a super type A planner myself so I get where all of the worries and concerns come from but at the end of the day, if you wait too long, it could be too late.  Also, you may never be in that perfect position to have kids; so are you willing to not have kids at all if it’s not the perfect moment?

My FI and I absolutely want kids and while we are on hold right now due to the wedding I have gotten news that may affect my fertility so that we may not be able to have kids.  I am 29 and he is 28 so we’re not much younger than you.  I got diagnosed with cervical cancer and had a LEEP back in May.  It’s not a huge deal on it’s own but I just had my followup and it came back with cancer cells again.  I’m hoping and my mom is praying that it’s just a fluke but I may need another LEEP or to have my cervix removed.  As soon as we get clearance from my doctor, we’re TTC ASAP even though we aren’t exactly where we would like to be financially or job-wise because we are afraid of waiting any longer.

Take the job issues off the table and consider whether you want kids now or to gamble that you might not be able to get pregnant later.

Post # 15
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@victorianghost:  I totally get it, so am I! There’s never going to be a good time to have kids (though some times are more ideal than others). You never know what life will bring tomorrow or next year, so just follow your intuition. 

Post # 16
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@victorianghost:  I know this is a few days old now, but I just stumbled upon it and wanted to mention that as a recently married 30 year old academic I totally get where you’re coming from on this 🙂  I am on the job market right now but I hope to be TTC within a year.  I absolutely get where you’re coming from on wanting one of you to have a job with benefits (aka health insurance!) before you TTC.

As for having a baby in June and teaching in August, I don’t see why you think that would be a problem…8 wks is pretty standard here in the US and seems to work for most people.  I even know someone who gave birth in early August and started a TT job in late August!  Not ideal though 🙂

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